struggle

I’ve been struggling lately. I have to admit that it’s not the fleeting struggle that normally visits me every once in a while.

It’s the “God, I’m not sure that I can live like this for much longer” kind of struggle.

The “I have to get out of this basement where caskets and dead bodies linger” kind of struggle.

The “when I cry I can’t breathe kind of struggle”.

Part of it is my job. It’s not a horrible job, but now I can feel the darkness surrounding me every day. It’s hard to feel passion for advocacy and change welling up inside of me, then have to sit at a desk for seven hours a day listening to people whose daily complaint is about “big brother watching over them” or their being “paid to sell, not learn how to use a computer”. On top of that, I can’t seem to make ends meet with the salary I’m being paid.

Financial issues would be another part of it. For the first time in my adult life, I can’t pay my bills. It didn’t happen in college (thanks to a full scholarship and part-time job). It didn’t happen post-college (when I made decent money and was living at home). Not in ministry … and not in Africa. But, at thirty-four years old I’m wandering around with a half-baked plan that I pray God is behind and am continuously spending more than I earn as I try to rebuild a life in the U.S.

And that the pit I’m living in is my fault.