Am I the only one who wishes they could turn their “dreamer” off?
I was talking to my sister yesterday and she said something about me that I had to think about – “I was telling Dad that you were a dreamer, and sometimes your dreams and God’s dreams don’t always connect.” At first I had to fight that defensiveness that comes up whenever my family talks about my personality and attributes … I spent most of my youth believing their was something wrong with me … too sensitive, too rude, too lazy, too much and too little, all at the same time.
When I asked God to put this into perspective, I realized that she was right. In the place where my dreams and God’s don’t connect I’ve found most of my greatest disappointments. And I find myself sitting in the middle of the floor right now with what seems like “the space between” dreams sitting in my lap.
God spoke this whole Journalism thing over the summer, and in my mind I mapped out a plan to get me from where I am to the picture I saw in my head. Part of that plan included school, getting a solid foundation in writing and reporting. Now I’m not so sure.
I find myself wondering if this stalemate is due to the fact that admissions deadlines are looming and I haven’t studied for (let alone taken) the GRE. Add to that the fact that the prospect of failing to get into any of the highly competitive programs I’m thinking of applying for would mean that I would be back at ground zero regarding this new direction, as well as bring confirmation that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. Or maybe I just need to go back to Him and sit awhile, asking Him to clarify what path I’m to take on this new leg of the journey.
Either way, I find myself struggling a bit as I think of a year plus dodging bodies at the funeral home for the next year while I try to figure this out. I find my hope wavering and feel as though life is passing me by. I really need to see beyond today to see His big picture.
Because:
~ bottom line – I cannot fail where He has called me.
~ bottom line – He’s the one that spoke Journalism, not me.
~ bottom line – He has a plan to get me from where I am to where He wants me.
~ bottom line – because I’m submitted to Him, He will use my life to bring Him glory.
~ bottom line – even if it takes ten years for me to get to the place of having the dream He’s placed in my heart become a reality, I have to remember that He’s with me and no time with Him is wasted.
No matter how disconnected I may feel.
