Shift

It’s been a while …

Since I last wrote on here a couple things have changed. For one, I know that something shifted in the spirit two Saturdays ago. Then, on the ride down to Memphis for a college dorm-mate’s wedding I heard Him say that He was letting me have what I’ve been asking for.

I have to admit that no joy came with that last bit of information. My heart actually sank.

I’m not sure why, but it felt like He was allowing me to follow to a lesser plan. It felt like I’d bugged Him too much about things in the natural realm, so He was turning me over to the alternate plan instead of keeping me in the place of focusing on Him. I immediately felt like I’d settled.

It didn’t help that while I was in Memphis I received the bill for the Fall semester and a job offer from my old company pretty much within minutes of each other.

I won’t lie – I was hoping for something else to come my way vocationally. I was hoping for a door to open that would make everyone (myself included) look at all of the craziness of the last five months and see the hand of the Lord … I was hoping for an “Aha!” moment that validated all of the moves and fulfilled the basic desire of my heart – the first step in walking into the destiny that God has for me.

Instead I’m going back to the same company that I’ve worked for since I graduated from university (four times in all, counting this new position) out of necessity. They’re not in an industry I see myself staying in for the rest of my life. While I usually enjoy the people I work with, I find the company itself to be a little predatory in their sales practices. Yet another job … not an open door to a promising and fulfilling career.

And I find myself wondering how many more times in my life will I have to settle because of necessity.

Being an idealist pretty much sucks.

So, now I find myself studying in a field that I never would’ve chosen, at a school that I never would’ve picked, working for my old company that I didn’t want to return to, living in a city that I never would have chosen to stay in.

I continually have to remind myself that I chose to let go of my idols of preference and my plans just before all of this happened. His plans are higher than mine, and I know that He knows exactly what is best for me. He’s painting a bigger picture that I can’t even begin to imagine, because all I can see is the brush strokes in front of my nose.

I sure do hope that these two areas aren’t the only places where God is “giving me what I’ve been asking for” … there are a couple big picture petitions I’ve been putting before His throne lately that I would like to see come to pass as well. I’m not going to hold my breath for those, though. I figure I’ve got enough to deal with and adjust to already.