Rest.

It’s a funny thing to look back at a situation and realize that God’s changed your heart.

A few weeks ago God really challenged my stranglehold on the idols of my preference and plans. It was painful … I won’t lie. But, I knew that they had to go. We’ve been playing tug-of-war around these two for some time now.

I found myself living in this dangerous cycle in regards to my preferences and plans.

1) I would get all excited about a plan that I felt He’d given me.
2) Things would not go the way I thought they would with said plan.
3) I would become really disappointed and doubt His goodness.
4) Depression would follow.
5) God would look like the bad guy in the whole situation – a Father who promises good things but then withholds them from me.

For years I’ve been living in this pattern. I would hold tightly to the plans I thought He gave. In some cases, this worked really well … I was able to set my face like flint in regards to things I believed He’d called me to and no amount of logic would deter me.

But there’s also a dark side to this determination as well. My personality (I’ve read) is one that doesn’t deal with disappointment well. I’m an idealist. I dream big dreams and formulate plans that should go off without a hitch just like they do in the perfect world that exists in my head.

In the real world, though, things don’t always match up with my beautiful picture. And when they don’t, I haven’t always known how to cope.

This past week I received some news regarding school that would have sent me into a downward spiral a few months ago. My scholarship didn’t come through and I’m not getting any responses from the University. Instead of jumping on the phone and calling the advisors to find out what the hold up was, I asked God what His thoughts were.

His response was, “Rest.” He’s got it under control. If I have to cut back to six hours instead of twelve so that I don’t have to pay non-resident tuition, it’s all good.

I also started thinking that maybe I would just take a few writing courses in the Spring and study for the GRE until then. I could apply to start grad school in the Fall of 2011 and bypass the second bachelors altogether.

It’s so amazing to look back and realize that something’s shifted inside of you. And that life is much better lived in a fluid state of trusting Him and grasping His hand rather than trying to maintain a death grip on the picture you were living out in your head.

I’m finding rest there.