Good Enough

If you do any research online about IHOP you will most definitely find those who consider the things going on here to be heresy and not “of God”. There’s talk about the manifestations going on at the Awakening, the Bridegroom teachings, the cult-like practices of the base, etc.

I’ve read them, and I think there will always be room for things to move in a direction that shifts from honoring God to erring on the side of demon-influenced where man is involved. One thing I can’t deny is the fruit that comes from spending time in God’s presence here.

I grew up as one of those Christians who served God out of duty. It was what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him ... you could say that I have a really strong obedience reflex. Even when I truly believed that God loved me but didn’t really like me all that much because I constantly messed up, I served Him. He said “go” and I did. He said “speak”, “sit”, or “stand” and I did, because I thought it was pleasing to Him. I did it out of obligation and in the hopes that if I lived a life of obedience that I could somehow get Him to be pleased with me in spite of my glaring (to me) flaws.

Here and there along the way I caught glimpses of the fact that God loves me and delights in me … that I am “the apple of his eye”. But for the most part there was this striving that was constantly my companion, and my disappointments were always clear evidence of God’s disapproval. This God that “loved” me was constantly stripping, wounding and hurting me in order to teach me a lesson and bring me into true submission.

This was why He made me wait for His promises.

This was why He made me do things I didn’t want to do, that went against every fiber of my being.

This was why He created me (physically) the way He did.

He created me to struggle through life, trying to get to the place of being “good enough”.

This is who I believed He was.

I realize that I must be really determined and stubborn to make it as long as I did and do some of the things I did for Him.

While I was in South Africa God really began challenging the foundation of my walk with Him. I remember Him saying to me that He “wanted me to serve Him out of love instead of obligation”. I told Him I didn’t know how to do that. To me, my obedience and devotion were evidence of my love for Him. What a strange moment it was when I realized that my obedience and devotion were actually out of obligation instead of a deep love for my God who left His place of perfect communion with His Father to bring me to the place of relationship.

The fruit (so far) of my time at IHOP has been a more complete understanding of this God I serve. He chose me and enabled me to respond to His call. He doesn’t want my strivings and obligation … He wants me to respond to His love. Part of that response is serving. Part is sharing with others about what He has done, as well as what He desires to do in their lives. Part is just sitting still and spending time in His word. Part is telling Him what I feel and think about Him. Part of it is being open to letting Him touch me in ways that I think look foolish.

It is coming to a deeper realization of the magnitude, strength, splendor, holiness and purity of my God. It is realizing that my sin grieves His heart. In reading His word I find that what’s written there draws me nearer to Him and away from the one that would seek to destroy me. It causes me to relinquish the idols I’ve held on to for dear life. I find rest in believing that He loves me and, even when my plans change drastically or He doesn’t make sense, I look to Him instead of falling into disappointment because He loves and is still in control. I find myself moving away from selfishness and consumerism. I am at peace. I have more grace for people. I love more effectively. His mercy makes so much more sense. The strivings of my flesh to obtain His approval have ceased. I have a greater desire to pray, read His word, and fashion my life after His. I’ve grown in compassion and many of my walls have come down.

And, the secret shame that comes with not being “good enough” is gone.