I’ve been away too long.
It’s been weeks since I’ve spent any real time in the Prayer Room. A few Sundays ago I did come in for about 45 minutes one afternoon, but felt like God said to “go home”.
As I sit in the 6pm set, taking in Cory Asbury singing “Jesus, I love you. Jesus I adore You. You’re the One I want.” I can feel my heart being filled up all over again. There’s just something about this place that settles my spirit and brings me peace. Knowing that my God is real and that it’s perfectly “normal” to spend two hours worshipping Him does this body (mind and soul) good.
It’s not that things are super stressful at work or school, or that there are issues on the home front. It’s not that I’m all of a sudden feeling the loneliness that sometimes comes with being single and living far away from family. It’s not even that I haven’t been praying or reading my Bible (although I haven’t been doing that last one anywhere near as much as I should).
It’s kind of the feeling you get when you were hanging out with your bff every day for months, chatting and laughing, crying and figuring out the world together … then all of a sudden that friend moves to another state and the busyness of life sets in. All you’ve got is the telephone and email. When you get to be face to face with them again, it’s a sweet time.
That’s what I’m experiencing right now in the Prayer Room. Having face to face time with the best friend a girl could have … one that would lay down His life for her and remind her everyday that she’s beautiful and worth so much more than she knows.
How I’ve missed Him.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
It's A New Season
Hmmm ... just realized I've been neglecting the blog. Gotta work on that!
So, I came back to KC and started my new job. It's ok ... a steady paycheck is nice, and not being stuck in a building for 8 hours a day, every day is nice. Working part-time with no benefits has some perks!
First week was really about me learning about the inner workings of the sales environment at one of our locations. I had to go through a mountain of paper that has accumulated over the last 8 years and figure out what to keep, what to throw away. Later in the week I started learning about the reports I'll be working on, which is much more interesting than sorting paper. We'll see what else my supervisor throws my way to occupy the 6 hours a day he has me for.
School has been pretty interesting as well. I decided to drop all of my classes but one (SO glad I did this!!). It's a Cross-cultural Journalism & Mass Media course. My prof was a foreign correspondent for PBS for 12 years and has been teaching for 15. We share lecture time with students at MIZZOU (where I want to do my masters), which has provided some fun diversions in the form of technical difficulties.
As I sit in class I look around and can't help thinking that I used to be where these kids are once. So many of them are sure of the path that they're on, young and optimistic with ideals that have largely been unchallenged. I listen to their opinions and ideas and can't help wondering at where the future generations will find their hope and identity.
The longer that I sit and ponder this thought, the more I question what I'm doing to bring light and perspective to those He's placed in my life. Not just at school, but also at work.
It seems that relationship is still key.
So, I came back to KC and started my new job. It's ok ... a steady paycheck is nice, and not being stuck in a building for 8 hours a day, every day is nice. Working part-time with no benefits has some perks!
First week was really about me learning about the inner workings of the sales environment at one of our locations. I had to go through a mountain of paper that has accumulated over the last 8 years and figure out what to keep, what to throw away. Later in the week I started learning about the reports I'll be working on, which is much more interesting than sorting paper. We'll see what else my supervisor throws my way to occupy the 6 hours a day he has me for.
School has been pretty interesting as well. I decided to drop all of my classes but one (SO glad I did this!!). It's a Cross-cultural Journalism & Mass Media course. My prof was a foreign correspondent for PBS for 12 years and has been teaching for 15. We share lecture time with students at MIZZOU (where I want to do my masters), which has provided some fun diversions in the form of technical difficulties.
As I sit in class I look around and can't help thinking that I used to be where these kids are once. So many of them are sure of the path that they're on, young and optimistic with ideals that have largely been unchallenged. I listen to their opinions and ideas and can't help wondering at where the future generations will find their hope and identity.
The longer that I sit and ponder this thought, the more I question what I'm doing to bring light and perspective to those He's placed in my life. Not just at school, but also at work.
It seems that relationship is still key.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Good Enough
If you do any research online about IHOP you will most definitely find those who consider the things going on here to be heresy and not “of God”. There’s talk about the manifestations going on at the Awakening, the Bridegroom teachings, the cult-like practices of the base, etc.
I’ve read them, and I think there will always be room for things to move in a direction that shifts from honoring God to erring on the side of demon-influenced where man is involved. One thing I can’t deny is the fruit that comes from spending time in God’s presence here.
I grew up as one of those Christians who served God out of duty. It was what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him ... you could say that I have a really strong obedience reflex. Even when I truly believed that God loved me but didn’t really like me all that much because I constantly messed up, I served Him. He said “go” and I did. He said “speak”, “sit”, or “stand” and I did, because I thought it was pleasing to Him. I did it out of obligation and in the hopes that if I lived a life of obedience that I could somehow get Him to be pleased with me in spite of my glaring (to me) flaws.
Here and there along the way I caught glimpses of the fact that God loves me and delights in me … that I am “the apple of his eye”. But for the most part there was this striving that was constantly my companion, and my disappointments were always clear evidence of God’s disapproval. This God that “loved” me was constantly stripping, wounding and hurting me in order to teach me a lesson and bring me into true submission.
This was why He made me wait for His promises.
This was why He made me do things I didn’t want to do, that went against every fiber of my being.
This was why He created me (physically) the way He did.
He created me to struggle through life, trying to get to the place of being “good enough”.
This is who I believed He was.
I realize that I must be really determined and stubborn to make it as long as I did and do some of the things I did for Him.
While I was in South Africa God really began challenging the foundation of my walk with Him. I remember Him saying to me that He “wanted me to serve Him out of love instead of obligation”. I told Him I didn’t know how to do that. To me, my obedience and devotion were evidence of my love for Him. What a strange moment it was when I realized that my obedience and devotion were actually out of obligation instead of a deep love for my God who left His place of perfect communion with His Father to bring me to the place of relationship.
The fruit (so far) of my time at IHOP has been a more complete understanding of this God I serve. He chose me and enabled me to respond to His call. He doesn’t want my strivings and obligation … He wants me to respond to His love. Part of that response is serving. Part is sharing with others about what He has done, as well as what He desires to do in their lives. Part is just sitting still and spending time in His word. Part is telling Him what I feel and think about Him. Part of it is being open to letting Him touch me in ways that I think look foolish.
It is coming to a deeper realization of the magnitude, strength, splendor, holiness and purity of my God. It is realizing that my sin grieves His heart. In reading His word I find that what’s written there draws me nearer to Him and away from the one that would seek to destroy me. It causes me to relinquish the idols I’ve held on to for dear life. I find rest in believing that He loves me and, even when my plans change drastically or He doesn’t make sense, I look to Him instead of falling into disappointment because He loves and is still in control. I find myself moving away from selfishness and consumerism. I am at peace. I have more grace for people. I love more effectively. His mercy makes so much more sense. The strivings of my flesh to obtain His approval have ceased. I have a greater desire to pray, read His word, and fashion my life after His. I’ve grown in compassion and many of my walls have come down.
And, the secret shame that comes with not being “good enough” is gone.
I’ve read them, and I think there will always be room for things to move in a direction that shifts from honoring God to erring on the side of demon-influenced where man is involved. One thing I can’t deny is the fruit that comes from spending time in God’s presence here.
I grew up as one of those Christians who served God out of duty. It was what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him ... you could say that I have a really strong obedience reflex. Even when I truly believed that God loved me but didn’t really like me all that much because I constantly messed up, I served Him. He said “go” and I did. He said “speak”, “sit”, or “stand” and I did, because I thought it was pleasing to Him. I did it out of obligation and in the hopes that if I lived a life of obedience that I could somehow get Him to be pleased with me in spite of my glaring (to me) flaws.
Here and there along the way I caught glimpses of the fact that God loves me and delights in me … that I am “the apple of his eye”. But for the most part there was this striving that was constantly my companion, and my disappointments were always clear evidence of God’s disapproval. This God that “loved” me was constantly stripping, wounding and hurting me in order to teach me a lesson and bring me into true submission.
This was why He made me wait for His promises.
This was why He made me do things I didn’t want to do, that went against every fiber of my being.
This was why He created me (physically) the way He did.
He created me to struggle through life, trying to get to the place of being “good enough”.
This is who I believed He was.
I realize that I must be really determined and stubborn to make it as long as I did and do some of the things I did for Him.
While I was in South Africa God really began challenging the foundation of my walk with Him. I remember Him saying to me that He “wanted me to serve Him out of love instead of obligation”. I told Him I didn’t know how to do that. To me, my obedience and devotion were evidence of my love for Him. What a strange moment it was when I realized that my obedience and devotion were actually out of obligation instead of a deep love for my God who left His place of perfect communion with His Father to bring me to the place of relationship.
The fruit (so far) of my time at IHOP has been a more complete understanding of this God I serve. He chose me and enabled me to respond to His call. He doesn’t want my strivings and obligation … He wants me to respond to His love. Part of that response is serving. Part is sharing with others about what He has done, as well as what He desires to do in their lives. Part is just sitting still and spending time in His word. Part is telling Him what I feel and think about Him. Part of it is being open to letting Him touch me in ways that I think look foolish.
It is coming to a deeper realization of the magnitude, strength, splendor, holiness and purity of my God. It is realizing that my sin grieves His heart. In reading His word I find that what’s written there draws me nearer to Him and away from the one that would seek to destroy me. It causes me to relinquish the idols I’ve held on to for dear life. I find rest in believing that He loves me and, even when my plans change drastically or He doesn’t make sense, I look to Him instead of falling into disappointment because He loves and is still in control. I find myself moving away from selfishness and consumerism. I am at peace. I have more grace for people. I love more effectively. His mercy makes so much more sense. The strivings of my flesh to obtain His approval have ceased. I have a greater desire to pray, read His word, and fashion my life after His. I’ve grown in compassion and many of my walls have come down.
And, the secret shame that comes with not being “good enough” is gone.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Rest.
It’s a funny thing to look back at a situation and realize that God’s changed your heart.
A few weeks ago God really challenged my stranglehold on the idols of my preference and plans. It was painful … I won’t lie. But, I knew that they had to go. We’ve been playing tug-of-war around these two for some time now.
I found myself living in this dangerous cycle in regards to my preferences and plans.
1) I would get all excited about a plan that I felt He’d given me.
2) Things would not go the way I thought they would with said plan.
3) I would become really disappointed and doubt His goodness.
4) Depression would follow.
5) God would look like the bad guy in the whole situation – a Father who promises good things but then withholds them from me.
For years I’ve been living in this pattern. I would hold tightly to the plans I thought He gave. In some cases, this worked really well … I was able to set my face like flint in regards to things I believed He’d called me to and no amount of logic would deter me.
But there’s also a dark side to this determination as well. My personality (I’ve read) is one that doesn’t deal with disappointment well. I’m an idealist. I dream big dreams and formulate plans that should go off without a hitch just like they do in the perfect world that exists in my head.
In the real world, though, things don’t always match up with my beautiful picture. And when they don’t, I haven’t always known how to cope.
This past week I received some news regarding school that would have sent me into a downward spiral a few months ago. My scholarship didn’t come through and I’m not getting any responses from the University. Instead of jumping on the phone and calling the advisors to find out what the hold up was, I asked God what His thoughts were.
His response was, “Rest.” He’s got it under control. If I have to cut back to six hours instead of twelve so that I don’t have to pay non-resident tuition, it’s all good.
I also started thinking that maybe I would just take a few writing courses in the Spring and study for the GRE until then. I could apply to start grad school in the Fall of 2011 and bypass the second bachelors altogether.
It’s so amazing to look back and realize that something’s shifted inside of you. And that life is much better lived in a fluid state of trusting Him and grasping His hand rather than trying to maintain a death grip on the picture you were living out in your head.
I’m finding rest there.
A few weeks ago God really challenged my stranglehold on the idols of my preference and plans. It was painful … I won’t lie. But, I knew that they had to go. We’ve been playing tug-of-war around these two for some time now.
I found myself living in this dangerous cycle in regards to my preferences and plans.
1) I would get all excited about a plan that I felt He’d given me.
2) Things would not go the way I thought they would with said plan.
3) I would become really disappointed and doubt His goodness.
4) Depression would follow.
5) God would look like the bad guy in the whole situation – a Father who promises good things but then withholds them from me.
For years I’ve been living in this pattern. I would hold tightly to the plans I thought He gave. In some cases, this worked really well … I was able to set my face like flint in regards to things I believed He’d called me to and no amount of logic would deter me.
But there’s also a dark side to this determination as well. My personality (I’ve read) is one that doesn’t deal with disappointment well. I’m an idealist. I dream big dreams and formulate plans that should go off without a hitch just like they do in the perfect world that exists in my head.
In the real world, though, things don’t always match up with my beautiful picture. And when they don’t, I haven’t always known how to cope.
This past week I received some news regarding school that would have sent me into a downward spiral a few months ago. My scholarship didn’t come through and I’m not getting any responses from the University. Instead of jumping on the phone and calling the advisors to find out what the hold up was, I asked God what His thoughts were.
His response was, “Rest.” He’s got it under control. If I have to cut back to six hours instead of twelve so that I don’t have to pay non-resident tuition, it’s all good.
I also started thinking that maybe I would just take a few writing courses in the Spring and study for the GRE until then. I could apply to start grad school in the Fall of 2011 and bypass the second bachelors altogether.
It’s so amazing to look back and realize that something’s shifted inside of you. And that life is much better lived in a fluid state of trusting Him and grasping His hand rather than trying to maintain a death grip on the picture you were living out in your head.
I’m finding rest there.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Memphis
I just got back from visiting Memphis, where one of my college dorm mates got married. Three dorm-mates from the same floor got married in one year. Gotta love it.
I have to admit that I’d forgotten how GHETTO Memphis is. I think I’ve lived in suburbia too much lately, because it was definitely a culture shock to be there again. I also forgot how bad drivers there can be. I’d forgotten what an overload of Southern cooking and barbeque do to my system. And, I’d forgotten how precious the relationships that God blessed me with during my college years were.
I got to hang out with only a handful of the crew I hung out with in college. Most of them have married and moved to other parts of the U.S. and the world. Some of them I didn’t maintain as strong of a bond with, so I didn’t feel compelled to call them up to hang out. The five that I spent the most time with reminded me of what I was like back then and showed me just how much I’ve grown. They also helped bring humorous clarity to some of the craziness we did as 18-21 year olds. They also challenged me with how I live my life today.
Most of my friends from Memphis have Masters degrees in various fields and are happy with their vocational choices. They’re involved in their churches. They have solid relationships with their loved ones. They have a relationship with God and desire Him to move in their lives.
The one thing that challenged me as I spent time with them was just how content they seemed with where their lives were. Most have been through tough things over the last thirteen years. They all had things that they were believing God for. In talking with them, I realized that I am nowhere near as content as they seem. I still feel like I’m reaching for some unknown thing, wrestling with my inner self, stretching forward to some ideal that’s just out of my reach.
I find myself wondering if I had a career that I loved, were married and “on track” with the family plan, were settled into great relationships with my family, and had a solid group of friends around me … would this emptiness be filled? Somehow I doubt it. I’m beginning to think that it’s how He created me. For some reason, there will always be something that’s not quite right.
I feel like God reminded me that He’s still in control regarding my life. There is no plan B. He’s leading and He has good and perfect plans for me. This current step/situation isn’t any different from Africa or YWAM Denver or D.C. or Memphis. It all fits together to weave the tapestry of my life. The people I’ve met are significant. No matter how random it may seem to me, it’s not random to Him. He is pouring into me what is needed for the next adventure. That adventure may just be further out than I anticipated. My goal continues to be - embrace every opportunity to learn and grow in love that He places before you.
I have to admit that I’d forgotten how GHETTO Memphis is. I think I’ve lived in suburbia too much lately, because it was definitely a culture shock to be there again. I also forgot how bad drivers there can be. I’d forgotten what an overload of Southern cooking and barbeque do to my system. And, I’d forgotten how precious the relationships that God blessed me with during my college years were.
I got to hang out with only a handful of the crew I hung out with in college. Most of them have married and moved to other parts of the U.S. and the world. Some of them I didn’t maintain as strong of a bond with, so I didn’t feel compelled to call them up to hang out. The five that I spent the most time with reminded me of what I was like back then and showed me just how much I’ve grown. They also helped bring humorous clarity to some of the craziness we did as 18-21 year olds. They also challenged me with how I live my life today.
Most of my friends from Memphis have Masters degrees in various fields and are happy with their vocational choices. They’re involved in their churches. They have solid relationships with their loved ones. They have a relationship with God and desire Him to move in their lives.
The one thing that challenged me as I spent time with them was just how content they seemed with where their lives were. Most have been through tough things over the last thirteen years. They all had things that they were believing God for. In talking with them, I realized that I am nowhere near as content as they seem. I still feel like I’m reaching for some unknown thing, wrestling with my inner self, stretching forward to some ideal that’s just out of my reach.
I find myself wondering if I had a career that I loved, were married and “on track” with the family plan, were settled into great relationships with my family, and had a solid group of friends around me … would this emptiness be filled? Somehow I doubt it. I’m beginning to think that it’s how He created me. For some reason, there will always be something that’s not quite right.
I feel like God reminded me that He’s still in control regarding my life. There is no plan B. He’s leading and He has good and perfect plans for me. This current step/situation isn’t any different from Africa or YWAM Denver or D.C. or Memphis. It all fits together to weave the tapestry of my life. The people I’ve met are significant. No matter how random it may seem to me, it’s not random to Him. He is pouring into me what is needed for the next adventure. That adventure may just be further out than I anticipated. My goal continues to be - embrace every opportunity to learn and grow in love that He places before you.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Shift
It’s been a while …
Since I last wrote on here a couple things have changed. For one, I know that something shifted in the spirit two Saturdays ago. Then, on the ride down to Memphis for a college dorm-mate’s wedding I heard Him say that He was letting me have what I’ve been asking for.
I have to admit that no joy came with that last bit of information. My heart actually sank.
I’m not sure why, but it felt like He was allowing me to follow to a lesser plan. It felt like I’d bugged Him too much about things in the natural realm, so He was turning me over to the alternate plan instead of keeping me in the place of focusing on Him. I immediately felt like I’d settled.
It didn’t help that while I was in Memphis I received the bill for the Fall semester and a job offer from my old company pretty much within minutes of each other.
I won’t lie – I was hoping for something else to come my way vocationally. I was hoping for a door to open that would make everyone (myself included) look at all of the craziness of the last five months and see the hand of the Lord … I was hoping for an “Aha!” moment that validated all of the moves and fulfilled the basic desire of my heart – the first step in walking into the destiny that God has for me.
Instead I’m going back to the same company that I’ve worked for since I graduated from university (four times in all, counting this new position) out of necessity. They’re not in an industry I see myself staying in for the rest of my life. While I usually enjoy the people I work with, I find the company itself to be a little predatory in their sales practices. Yet another job … not an open door to a promising and fulfilling career.
And I find myself wondering how many more times in my life will I have to settle because of necessity.
Being an idealist pretty much sucks.
So, now I find myself studying in a field that I never would’ve chosen, at a school that I never would’ve picked, working for my old company that I didn’t want to return to, living in a city that I never would have chosen to stay in.
I continually have to remind myself that I chose to let go of my idols of preference and my plans just before all of this happened. His plans are higher than mine, and I know that He knows exactly what is best for me. He’s painting a bigger picture that I can’t even begin to imagine, because all I can see is the brush strokes in front of my nose.
I sure do hope that these two areas aren’t the only places where God is “giving me what I’ve been asking for” … there are a couple big picture petitions I’ve been putting before His throne lately that I would like to see come to pass as well. I’m not going to hold my breath for those, though. I figure I’ve got enough to deal with and adjust to already.
Since I last wrote on here a couple things have changed. For one, I know that something shifted in the spirit two Saturdays ago. Then, on the ride down to Memphis for a college dorm-mate’s wedding I heard Him say that He was letting me have what I’ve been asking for.
I have to admit that no joy came with that last bit of information. My heart actually sank.
I’m not sure why, but it felt like He was allowing me to follow to a lesser plan. It felt like I’d bugged Him too much about things in the natural realm, so He was turning me over to the alternate plan instead of keeping me in the place of focusing on Him. I immediately felt like I’d settled.
It didn’t help that while I was in Memphis I received the bill for the Fall semester and a job offer from my old company pretty much within minutes of each other.
I won’t lie – I was hoping for something else to come my way vocationally. I was hoping for a door to open that would make everyone (myself included) look at all of the craziness of the last five months and see the hand of the Lord … I was hoping for an “Aha!” moment that validated all of the moves and fulfilled the basic desire of my heart – the first step in walking into the destiny that God has for me.
Instead I’m going back to the same company that I’ve worked for since I graduated from university (four times in all, counting this new position) out of necessity. They’re not in an industry I see myself staying in for the rest of my life. While I usually enjoy the people I work with, I find the company itself to be a little predatory in their sales practices. Yet another job … not an open door to a promising and fulfilling career.
And I find myself wondering how many more times in my life will I have to settle because of necessity.
Being an idealist pretty much sucks.
So, now I find myself studying in a field that I never would’ve chosen, at a school that I never would’ve picked, working for my old company that I didn’t want to return to, living in a city that I never would have chosen to stay in.
I continually have to remind myself that I chose to let go of my idols of preference and my plans just before all of this happened. His plans are higher than mine, and I know that He knows exactly what is best for me. He’s painting a bigger picture that I can’t even begin to imagine, because all I can see is the brush strokes in front of my nose.
I sure do hope that these two areas aren’t the only places where God is “giving me what I’ve been asking for” … there are a couple big picture petitions I’ve been putting before His throne lately that I would like to see come to pass as well. I’m not going to hold my breath for those, though. I figure I’ve got enough to deal with and adjust to already.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)