stripped

Is it strange that I'm 34 years old and have never had a broken heart? Well, not the kind that comes from a guy walking away, anyway.

While I was in the prayer room today I was having yet another emotional moment before the Lord, crying out to Him to move in a particular area of my life. In the midst of it I had the most intense chest pain followed by a deep sense of loss and what felt like a void open up inside my chest. It felt like a vacuum came in and sucked all of the air out of me at once and it was trying to suck my heart out with it. All I could think was, "is this what it feels like to have your heart break? Crap, this hurts!"

This was today's experience in the Prayer Room. To say that I'm tired of crying every day is an understatement. I've never considered myself an emotional wreck, but I've come to realize that I am one. Just this week alone I've had to admit that I held bitterness towards God in my heart. I've realized that I expect to be disappointed in life and while I can usually rally myself to hope on some level, I'm plagued with doubt at every turn. I'm not sure that I know how to receive love. All of these things make hoping for things and trusting in the goodness of my God just a bit unlikely. I won't even mention being "surrounded by His unfailing love".

This is the season I'm in. This is the work He's doing. And in the midst of it all, I feel so tattered and torn (not to mention wasted, aimless and caged in). I realize that onlookers may watch during this season and be inspired or amazed at all God's doing ... I just feel stripped naked.