Monday

Leave it to John Thurlow to make me cry. I'm beginning to wonder why I like his set so much because between him and Justin Rizzo, I’m bound to start bawling like a baby when they start singing.

This morning it started because he sang a chorus that said “it’s gonna be worth it in the end”. Seriously. All I could think is that this light and momentary affliction – this discomfort, heartache, sense of being lost and disconnected from everything familiar to me, including any “normalcy” in my walk with the Lord – is going to be worth it in the end. I have to believe that He’s working something out of or into me that required this particular process. In the midst of the work I never understand it, but hindsight has always been at last 20/20. So, this is my hope.

I’m still not sure what to do with the whole disappointment issue ... or how to move beyond my seeming inability to receive His unfailing love. Or what to do when my heart says love disappoints but His word says “love never fails”. Or how I’m supposed to keep believing for the things He’s spoken over the last year in regards to destiny and the future. Or even what I'm supposed to do with the pictures He gave me last week. There should be an easy answer, but my blind belief/heart override button seems to be malfunctioning at the moment. It makes so much sense that I struggle internally as I do in regards to scriptures like Psalm 37:4 ("Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."). It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus can raise the dead than to believe this one in my life (and consequently in the lives of others).

I can’t seem to move beyond this constant, dull ache in my chest. It really does feel like the illusion is shattered and exposed and my heart is broken. It took sheer willpower for me to sing those words this morning. I only managed it a couple times. For me, singing is tricky … because I really try to be careful that I’m not hypocritical in the midst of it, singing something that I don’t mean in worship to the Lord. This morning I felt like I was coaching myself, kind of like when I’m on a run and I have to convince myself to run that little last bit with the same energy that I’d been using for the last ½ mile. Running seems easier ... probably because you know that the burn and breathlessness will come to an end after you've walked a few feet.

So, this is how I’m starting the week. It’ll be interesting to see where we are on Friday.