Anger

I was sitting in the prayer room this morning, reading through old journal entries I'd written about insights over the last month. One of them was talking about my enneagram (personality test) results, and how I was really disappointed that I was a One. According to the internet, Ones are "notoriously hard on themselves, work hard to make the world a better place, have high standards and ethics, are often disappointed in themselves when expectations aren't met, obsess about what they should or should not have done and are prone to anger".

I had to laugh, because all of the descriptors are pretty much true about me. But, I've thought this whole time that I was alone in this because no one else in my family seems to think the way I do. Most of my friends don't seem to operate this way. So, I thought I was the only one.

Not.

I realized as I read this that I have no idea how to be angry. Growing up, anytime I got angry I was told that I didn't have a right to be. Anger was met with punishment for the most part. When I read "Be angry, yet in your anger do not sin," my first thought is that I don't know how to do the first part of that sentence.

I pretty much stuff anger. As I sat in the prayer room I closed my eyes and thought of something that makes me angry. Two things came up - being hit in the face and stupid drivers in Houston. The first brought a picture response of my doing a quick ninja-like jab to the face of the person that did it, breaking their nose. The other brought with it a string of words that I can't type on here.

I also thought back to my recent day of mourning. At the height of dealing with my emotions in regards to Wendy's death, my anger came out. It was directed toward God. It was so powerful that I had to clench my teeth, started shaking all over, and there's a good possibility that I screamed. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was one of the most emotionally intense moments I've had in a long time. I felt like I'd completely lost control of myself (one of my fears ... maintaining some sense of self-control is pretty important to that balanced image that I've worked so hard to present to the world). I really believe that God knew I was angry with Him. I also believe that He's big enough to handle it. And He loves me still.

The beautiful thing about this moment is that I feel like something inside me cracked. All of the pain that had been creating that dull ache seeped out. My chest doesn't hurt anymore. And I'm hoping that now that most (if not all) of that pent up emotion has been emptied, He can fill my heart with genuine love for Him instead. And maybe with it there will come that true abandon that is brought on by deeply loving someone.

I'm looking forward to falling deeper in love with Him and able to truly smile again.