SOS (Song of Songs)

2:10-14

Get up, my dear friend
fair and beautiful – come to me!
Look around you: Winter is over;
the winter rains are over, gone!
Spring flowers are in blossom all over.
the whole world’s a choir – and singing!
Spring warblers are filling the forest
with sweet arpeggios.
Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,
and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.
Oh, get up, dear friend,
my fair and beautiful lover – come to me!
Come, my shy and modest dove –
leave your seclusion, come out in the open.
Let me see your face,
let me hear your voice.
For your voice is soothing
and your face is ravishing.

This is the scripture that God asked me to meditate on Sunday morning. At first, I thought, “Man! If some guy I was interested in were to say these words to me I might just turn to putty. That’s some dangerous stuff!”

Then I heard Jesus say, “I’m saying these words to you …”

Oh.

I have to admit that it’s even more potent a message when it comes from Jesus. He’s had me park in the Song of Songs quite a bit since moving to KC. I guess there’s almost no better place to truly learn just how He feels about me.

There are so many words of promise in these verses that are pertinent to where I am today. For instance, just thinking of the terms of endearment that the Lover calls his Beloved – my dear friend, fair and beautiful lover, shy and modest dove – all of these speak to me. Then there’s the words of hope in the midst of what has been one of the hardest seasons of my life – “Winter is over … Spring flowers are in blossom”. There’s the "coincidence" that I see in the fact that I pretty much wear two types of perfume (because most other scents induce headaches for me) and one is the scent of cherry blossoms, the other uses lilacs.

Then there’s the invitation – “leave your seclusion, come out in the open.” God’s been challenging me to stop hiding for the last few months and I haven’t known what that meant or what it looked like in my case to stop hiding. Here it is again. I’m still not 100% sure, but it looks like I’m about to find out.

Anger

I was sitting in the prayer room this morning, reading through old journal entries I'd written about insights over the last month. One of them was talking about my enneagram (personality test) results, and how I was really disappointed that I was a One. According to the internet, Ones are "notoriously hard on themselves, work hard to make the world a better place, have high standards and ethics, are often disappointed in themselves when expectations aren't met, obsess about what they should or should not have done and are prone to anger".

I had to laugh, because all of the descriptors are pretty much true about me. But, I've thought this whole time that I was alone in this because no one else in my family seems to think the way I do. Most of my friends don't seem to operate this way. So, I thought I was the only one.

Not.

I realized as I read this that I have no idea how to be angry. Growing up, anytime I got angry I was told that I didn't have a right to be. Anger was met with punishment for the most part. When I read "Be angry, yet in your anger do not sin," my first thought is that I don't know how to do the first part of that sentence.

I pretty much stuff anger. As I sat in the prayer room I closed my eyes and thought of something that makes me angry. Two things came up - being hit in the face and stupid drivers in Houston. The first brought a picture response of my doing a quick ninja-like jab to the face of the person that did it, breaking their nose. The other brought with it a string of words that I can't type on here.

I also thought back to my recent day of mourning. At the height of dealing with my emotions in regards to Wendy's death, my anger came out. It was directed toward God. It was so powerful that I had to clench my teeth, started shaking all over, and there's a good possibility that I screamed. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was one of the most emotionally intense moments I've had in a long time. I felt like I'd completely lost control of myself (one of my fears ... maintaining some sense of self-control is pretty important to that balanced image that I've worked so hard to present to the world). I really believe that God knew I was angry with Him. I also believe that He's big enough to handle it. And He loves me still.

The beautiful thing about this moment is that I feel like something inside me cracked. All of the pain that had been creating that dull ache seeped out. My chest doesn't hurt anymore. And I'm hoping that now that most (if not all) of that pent up emotion has been emptied, He can fill my heart with genuine love for Him instead. And maybe with it there will come that true abandon that is brought on by deeply loving someone.

I'm looking forward to falling deeper in love with Him and able to truly smile again.

Tea and Letters

I have to admit that there's nothing better than having friends who, in spite of distance and time are able to speak words of life to you in the midst of your season on turmoil. I have been blessed with several of those throughout my life. Dianne, my sister has been the most constant one ... probably because she was there when I was born. But there are others that God brought into my life at a later time that continue to reveal more of the heart of God to me.

I've been emailing with one such friend that I met in South Africa. To say that her explanations of what's been going on in her life since I left the continent have shown me that in spite of circumstances, God is good, is an understatement. Her words about God as a good Friend who you can't be angry with for long and one who gently sweeps away the residue of painful experiences have given me hope that the Lord can and will quiet the storm that's waging in me and soothe the ache. I miss sitting in her living room with a good cup of tea, chatting and laughing about what God is doing in our lives.

But now a couple thousand miles separate us. I've got to settle for an email in my inbox every few days. I can still hear her Ukrainian accent in the words she writes. I can see her hand motions, and remember the way she sits with legs folded on her overstuffed chairs. And, I remember just how blessed I am to have people that love me just as I am, in spite of the craziness that is going on in my life at the moment.

Disappointment

So, this subject matter is a little sensitive. I’ve pretty much cried through the writing of the entire entry. Just so you know …

What do you say when God says to you that He wants to expose the root of the inability to move past disappointment and bring healing that leads to freedom? My response … “Um, how painful is that gonna be, God, and do we have to do it in public?”

Of course I said okay. What else am I going to say? This dull ache in my chest and constant overshadowing of doom and gloom in my life is getting old. I realize that part of this is my personality … all of the Psych literature says that one of the biggest issues for people with my type is inability to deal with disappointment in a healthy way … we internalize it and it either goes the route of anger or depression. Anger was my outlet during my teen years. Depression won out in the end as the years wore on and the anger brought on consequences and comments like, “You have no right to be angry about anything” from my family. Besides, depression was easier to hide … so it won.

Just so you know, I chose to leave the prayer room a little early in favor of having my breakdown at home. I figured that the people at IHOP have seen enough of my face with a runny nose, bloodshot eyes and flecks of tissue stuck to it. When I got home, I found lots of things to distract me for all of fifteen minutes – put the garbage by the curb for pickup, clean up my room a bit, floss. God caught my attention and let me know that He knew that I was procrastinating. So, I sat down beside my bed … and immediately He started to speak.

Now, lots of people ask me “How does God speak to you? How do you hear Him so clearly? How are you sure it’s Him??” My answer to all of those is, “I don’t know. It’s just always been like that.” Sorry. It’s the same in this case as well.

As I closed my eyes, I saw that familiar (and really good-looking) face look at me and extend His hand. I put mine in His and almost immediately I was taken back to my childhood home, just coming home from school and needing to go to the bathroom. (Those bus rides were ridiculously long for no reason at all!!) I walked past the two bedrooms on the left to get to the bathroom at the end of the hall. In doing this, I passed my parents’ room and saw them sitting on the bed, crying. I’d never seen my dad cry before, and I remember that although I wanted to know what was going on I knew better than to interrupt the grown-ups (since my parents were of that whole era where they believed that children should be seen and not heard and had no part in serious “adult” conversation). So, I hung around their bedroom door, just out of sight … and I heard them talking about my oldest sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. She was twenty-five at the time. I was nine.

Now, as a nine year old I had no clue that life as I knew it was about to be forever changed. I just assumed that the whole business would be taken care of and things would continue on as they had been. But, as you can guess, that’s not what happened.

So next, God fast-forwarded about five years in time. I saw myself at fourteen, sitting in my closet in the dark, crying and rocking myself back and forth. This was the day I found out that my sister wasn’t coming home because she’d died in the hospital. I assumed that this visit to the ER would be like every other since her relapse … she’d be there a couple days, get treatment, then come home and I’d take care of her.

As I remembered this picture, so many thoughts came back to me from that time … I should’ve taken better care of her - it’s my fault that she’s gone and everyone’s going to blame me … God took the wrong one – He should’ve taken me and left her … I never got to say goodbye. I have to admit that the stupid things that people say at funerals to the family didn’t help the matter much. By the time that rolled around, my parents and siblings were so wrapped up in their own grief that they didn’t notice that I wasn’t dealing with mine well. (And this is not an indictment against my family … who innately knows how to grieve the loss of a loved one? They were as unprepared as I was.)

Over the years I’ve eventually grown to understand that God ending her suffering and answering her cry to let it be done was His goodness. That goodness, however, was overshadowed by immense pain and loss on my side. You have to understand – Wendy was like a second mom to me. She was sixteen years older than I was, had traveled the world with the military, was a fun/life of the party type person who’d never met a stranger, who laughed loud and had a personality I could identify with … not to mention the fact that she was the only one in my family that took the time to really know who I was as a person. She was the only one who knew that I loved peach pie and not apple, didn’t mind that I played with Barbies until I was thirteen and let me bake and decorate cakes with her. She bought me fun stuff, not just things I needed for school. She let me watch cartoons and took us (her kids and me) to the swimming pool. She cooked foods that were different (not just Trini) and wasn’t afraid of physical affection. Life with her was a direct contrast to what I had when I went home to be tortured by my two “adult” brothers (who were in their late teens, early twenties at the time).

So, today God showed me that although I’d “gotten over” her death, I’ve never truly mourned the loss. I’d cried, I’d asked the question why, been angry, and eventually come to terms with the fact that He took my sister home to be with Him, but I’d never really mourned the loss of her life and friendship. And he showed me that this is where bitterness towards Him came in.

It’s a common story, really. I was blindsided by her death, angry that the God who could’ve done something, didn’t. In this, the idea of a God who “can” move but “doesn’t” was born. You have to understand – I’ve never doubted His ability … only His willingness, and ultimately His heart of “love” for us. I can hear the accusation of my heart even now – what kind of loving Father can move on behalf of His child, but doesn’t? This question has overshadowed just about every aspect of my life. It has also been the driving force of the performance-driven nature of my relationship with Him up to this point … the drive to obedience, so that maybe, just maybe I’ll feel better about myself and perhaps win His favor and He’ll move on my behalf.

So this is where we are. Even as I read this it sounds like I’m just a spoiled brat who is upset with God because I didn’t get my way (which is how I’ve heard myself described when I’ve explained this in the past … not very helpful). As I sit here writing this out, though, He’s had to remind me that what He sees is more the fourteen year old in her closet, trying not to draw attention to herself by banging her head against the wall to make the pain in her chest stop than the eighteen year old who didn’t get the truck she wanted from her parents.

Today He’s also showed me that:

• there was nothing I could’ve done (right or wrong) to save her. Healing is His work, not mine.
• there is no such thing as a perfect world … and I can’t create one no matter how hard I try.
• no amount of good behavior or extreme obedience will change the fact that my life is in His hands.
• I have a great family.
• no matter how much I want Him to move in a situation, His timing is what will be (and it’s perfect).
• no matter how much I’m hurting, He still loves.
• no matter how caged in I feel, He still loves.
• no matter how disappointed I am, He still loves.
• no matter how much His goodness is overshadowed by pain in my life, He still loves.
• even if this ache in my chest never goes away, He still loves.
• if someone that I love dies tomorrow, He still loves.
• if the only work I can find is at Target, He still loves.
• even when disappointment creeps in with regard to how He created me, He still loves.
• when I’m angry or disappointed, He still loves.
• if none of the words of pictures He’s given me over the last year come to pass, He still loves.
• if people look at my lfie and think, “Man, what a waste! She should be doing xyz!”, He still loves.
• even when I feel like I’m missing the point (and don’t feel His love and don’t know how to receive it), He still loves.

Monday

Leave it to John Thurlow to make me cry. I'm beginning to wonder why I like his set so much because between him and Justin Rizzo, I’m bound to start bawling like a baby when they start singing.

This morning it started because he sang a chorus that said “it’s gonna be worth it in the end”. Seriously. All I could think is that this light and momentary affliction – this discomfort, heartache, sense of being lost and disconnected from everything familiar to me, including any “normalcy” in my walk with the Lord – is going to be worth it in the end. I have to believe that He’s working something out of or into me that required this particular process. In the midst of the work I never understand it, but hindsight has always been at last 20/20. So, this is my hope.

I’m still not sure what to do with the whole disappointment issue ... or how to move beyond my seeming inability to receive His unfailing love. Or what to do when my heart says love disappoints but His word says “love never fails”. Or how I’m supposed to keep believing for the things He’s spoken over the last year in regards to destiny and the future. Or even what I'm supposed to do with the pictures He gave me last week. There should be an easy answer, but my blind belief/heart override button seems to be malfunctioning at the moment. It makes so much sense that I struggle internally as I do in regards to scriptures like Psalm 37:4 ("Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."). It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus can raise the dead than to believe this one in my life (and consequently in the lives of others).

I can’t seem to move beyond this constant, dull ache in my chest. It really does feel like the illusion is shattered and exposed and my heart is broken. It took sheer willpower for me to sing those words this morning. I only managed it a couple times. For me, singing is tricky … because I really try to be careful that I’m not hypocritical in the midst of it, singing something that I don’t mean in worship to the Lord. This morning I felt like I was coaching myself, kind of like when I’m on a run and I have to convince myself to run that little last bit with the same energy that I’d been using for the last ½ mile. Running seems easier ... probably because you know that the burn and breathlessness will come to an end after you've walked a few feet.

So, this is how I’m starting the week. It’ll be interesting to see where we are on Friday.

Rest

To say that it's been an emotional week is an understatement. I spent most of yesterday at home (with the exception of a run late in the afternoon), mostly because whenever I go anywhere I tend to spend money ... which I don't have. So, in order to reign in the spending and rampant consumerism that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, I chose to stay home. I was pretty much bored out of my mind most of the day.

One diversion that I've come to love and adore is the internet. There's so much to be explored on this information highway. I've spent the good part of the last two days on hair forums and natural websites, scouring articles and blogs on how to take care of my hair in its natural state. (For those who don't know this, I've stopped relaxing my hair and am trasitioning to wearing my natural napps - walking in freedom and the original beauty God gave me!) There are some seriously crazy sistas on these sites, and people feel the freedom to share some of the most interesting things under the guise of anonymity. I came away from this with a list of products to try and those to stay away from, as well as tips on how to (not) wash and comb my hair, pitfalls, opinions and a sense that my own hair journey was going to be all right.

You can only do this for so long, though. So, I moved on to Youtube for hair tutorials ... and got roped into the Old Spice commercials with the "man your man could smell like". Oh. My. Word. I haven't laughed so much in weeks!!! Besides the fact that Mr. Isaiah Mustafa is a GORGEOUS man in a towel, these commercials are a stroke of advertizing genius (because seriously, who really paid attention to Old Spice outside of old men before now???), the sheer ridiculousness of this guy's logic and sentence structure is amazing!! My favorite line has to be "The tickets are now diamonds!!"

So, in spite of the fact that I've been trying to watch a movie for diversion for over a week now but have been too distracted to do so, I've managed to find rest and respite in laughter thanks to the crazy people on hair forums and the Old Spice guy.

Love it.

stripped

Is it strange that I'm 34 years old and have never had a broken heart? Well, not the kind that comes from a guy walking away, anyway.

While I was in the prayer room today I was having yet another emotional moment before the Lord, crying out to Him to move in a particular area of my life. In the midst of it I had the most intense chest pain followed by a deep sense of loss and what felt like a void open up inside my chest. It felt like a vacuum came in and sucked all of the air out of me at once and it was trying to suck my heart out with it. All I could think was, "is this what it feels like to have your heart break? Crap, this hurts!"

This was today's experience in the Prayer Room. To say that I'm tired of crying every day is an understatement. I've never considered myself an emotional wreck, but I've come to realize that I am one. Just this week alone I've had to admit that I held bitterness towards God in my heart. I've realized that I expect to be disappointed in life and while I can usually rally myself to hope on some level, I'm plagued with doubt at every turn. I'm not sure that I know how to receive love. All of these things make hoping for things and trusting in the goodness of my God just a bit unlikely. I won't even mention being "surrounded by His unfailing love".

This is the season I'm in. This is the work He's doing. And in the midst of it all, I feel so tattered and torn (not to mention wasted, aimless and caged in). I realize that onlookers may watch during this season and be inspired or amazed at all God's doing ... I just feel stripped naked.

?

I've come to the point in my life where I'm going to stop trying to figure out why people make the decisions they do. Well, since I still have a great interest in Psychology, I probably won't stop, but I am able to admit that I really don't understand the stupid things people do (and justify to themselves).

Ok! School. It looks like I got into the Communications school and am going to be enrolling in 12 hours of classes (assuming I can find a way to pay for them). I'm trying not to think about the fact that if I complete another bachelors degree it will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000. I need financial aid in a big way.

This doesn't factor in my Masters, for which there is little financial aid. Oi.

God, I can't even begin to say that I know what you're doing in regards to this new direction. I'm sitting in this city, at a loss for what to do in regards to acquiring a job that would enable me to pay my bills. Every resume I've put out there has brought in no response. Even the old doors aren't opening.

Oddly enough, I'm not stressed. My family has kicked into high gear to help while I figure out what in the world is going on. And, the more reports Iread about the economy and prospects for recent college grads, the more I realize that I am in good (and plentiful) company. I find myself wishing that I could move overseas again to escape the dead end that seems to be ever-approaching within the American job market.

Ah, but I will not be discouraged. God's got something planned. I just have to wait, watch, pray and move when He says it's time to go.

Lord, come quickly.