Is that really all?

I’m reading Passion for Jesus by Mike Bickle … it’s about cultivating an extravagant love for God. I thought it fitting since I’ve recently had this “crisis of faith”, realizing I don’t fully trust this God I serve, and that love and trust go hand in hand for me.

Somewhere in the middle of this book, Bickle starts talking about Song of Songs as a description of the love that exists between Christ and the church. I’ve been parked in Song of Songs the last couple weeks at the suggestion of one of my pastors here in VA. I have to say that Bickle’s interpretation opens up a whole new picture of the love of Christ for us through his writing.

He writes: “Yet she (the Shulamite bride) has ravished the heart of God with her sincere desire to obey Him. This is what happens to Jesus’ heart when we set our souls to fully follow Him at any cost.”

As I was reading this and couldn’t help remembering what a couple of people I’ve recently met have said about me. It went something like, “Your obedience to the Lord is not normal … not everyone hears and obeys.” It always sounds a bit strange to me because hearing and obeying has always been something I’ve just done in regards to my relationship with God. For me, it has so much more to do with respect for God and the commitment I made to follow Him than any feelings of love. To me, obedience does not equal love. It never has. It has always been a sign of respect to God and an honoring of the commitment I made to Him many years ago. Yet, God has said, “If you love me, obey my commands.” (Scrip 1;11)

According to Bickle, the bride’s desire to obey ravishes God’s heart. (Song of Songs 4:9)

I find myself wondering if it’s strange that I’ve reached the place in my walk with God that simply obeying isn’t enough. I’ve realized that I can be obedient and not be submissive – truly trusting God, buying into what He’s asking me to do 100%, believing that He has the best in store for me, because He loves me. Somehow, continuing to do this just doesn’t seem right in light of the fact that I’m learning just how much Christ loves me. I’ve obeyed in the past, trying to quench feelings of resentment and resignation. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

He loves me. I believe that now. Knowing that the God of the universe loves me … there’s so much room to trust. It also means that anything He asks me to do comes out of that place of love.

I want to get to the place where I choose to submit based on that love, and my heart response is obedience.

Change of heart

It's so interesting, being in a place of thinking about moving somewhere, all the while knowing that you're going to have to eventually move again.

Before, knowing that I'm moving to yet another place of transition would've driven me crazy. I know there are people out there who would love to live the life of adventure I'm living, moving from one place to another as God leads. I also know there are those who look at my life and wonder if I know what in the world I'm doing ... why can't she stay in one place?

The truth is I would love to. It doesn't seem to be in the plan for now, though. I feel like God's said "It is finished" regarding what He wanted to accomplish here in Virginia. I'm seriously considering moving to Missouri to dig deeper with Him, work and pursue grad school. There's a ministry focused on bringing restoration to women and children coming out of sex trafficking that I'm investigating.

And yet, I know that Kansas City won't be home for long. Maybe a year. Two if I'm lucky. Then the adventure will continue somewhere else. Another step on the journey.

I love how this would've made me really sad (and probably a bit angry) a few weeks ago. God knows the desire of my heart is to have a home and be able to welcome people into it. Now I look at it and am excited about the things I'll learn, people I'll come to know and love, and experience that will be gained. On top of that, I'll be taking advantage of this short life we've been given on this planet ... following Him wherever He leads.

It's as it should be.

Direction?

So, after my week in Kansas City I think I finally have some direction for my life. it actually came from a little pamphlet from IHOP, believe it or not. So random!

I already knew that love working with women ... especially in a discipleship/relational setting. Walking through this last season of darkness and doubting God's character has shown me that I've not been walking in all that He has for me and that He is, in fact, who His word says He is.

He's taking me a step deeper into the realm of working with women. There's a brokenness that's settled over His daughters that I want to speak into ... I'm actually interested in restoring women who are caught in the web of abuse and the sex trafficking industry to wholeness in Christ. Crazy sounding, I know. But when I finally put the pieces together, it made so much sense.

So, now I know that I need to have complete healing in regards to my heart's attitude towards him and that I really need to have a solid foundation in who I am in Christ. I can only lead someone somewhere that I've been! I know the transforming work of the heart is ultimately up to Him.

So, now I'm looking at where I can go to become rooted and grounded in His love and fully know just how beautiful He is. I'm not sure if that's here in VA, in KC or somewhere else. I'm also looking at online grad programs in psychology/counseling.

It's so wierd ... I feel like I've found my stream!

IHOP

The week in Kansas City at IHOP was really good. Not at all what I expected, but it was really good. My main prayer was that God would give a deeper revelation of His love for me and that’s exactly what He did.

I spent most of the week reading and praying in the Prayer Room, where worship and prayer has been going on for 24 hours a day, seven days a week for over ten years. Pretty cool stuff. To say that the atmosphere in this place is different is an understatement. The base also has been having services through IHOPU in the evenings that are just bigger, louder, more active times of prayer and worship. It felt like being amongst family again.

If I could say one thing that came out of this week, it would be that I understand the love of my Father like I never have before. In some ways I feel cheated, because I’ve been a Christian for over 15 years and didn’t even have a glimmer of an inkling how much God loved me. Talk about incomplete revelation!

So, now comes the fun part (and I actually mean that!). I get to walk in this love and figure out what my response ought to be in light of it. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem that any sacrifice is too big, given that I know who I am, whose I am and the direction I’m headed.

Let the adventures begin!

New Perspective

I've had a bit of a shift in perspective that's brought some healing and clarity to my heart. Thanks God!

So, I was journaling the other day, begging God to move in my life when I realized that I've been living (and thinking, and feeling) like a servant. Kept in the dark. Unloved. Expendable. Locked in. Sometimes beaten into submission. Hurt. Etc., etc.

I somehow managed to completely forget that I'm a Daughter of the King ... His princess. I'm not sure when the disconnect happened, but it did.

Part of me believes that it had to come to the place it did because there were some fringe beliefs that He wanted to remove/heal once and for all. I can't take them into the coming season. For that reason, I'm okay with how bad things got. I'm back now and I've heard Him say, "Welcome home."

I went to a seminar at church today on Living a Life of Freedom and the pastor brought this up ... sums up the craziness I just walked through pretty well:

"It is often that lack of trust, incomplete revelation of God's love and His ensuing care over every aspect of our lives, that allows wrong thinking, wrong emotions, wrong actions and even wrong spirits to invade our lives."

So, now I'm heading to IHOP for a week because I want God to solidify what He's started and give me a DEEP revelation of His love for me. I don't want to be able to come to this place of doubting Him again.

And I'm thinking about buying a tiara so I don't forget who I am again. :o)

I'll write when I get back.

Faith

So, my faith is a bit crippled at the moment. I'm being told that I need a perspective change to get back on the right path again ... I seem to remember going around this mountain a time or two. It's getting kinda tiring.

I'm heading to IHOP (International House of Prayer) on Tuesday to set aside a week just to seek God's face and allow Him to do surgery. I'm tired of going around this mountain and really jus want breakthrough. Ive heard some pretty amazing things about IHOP, so I'm looking forward to it.

I may not write again until I get back.

Cherry Blossoms

So, I'm supposed to go into D.C. and take photos of the Japanese Cherry Blossoms in full bloom. The weather's perfect ... min-60s with a bit of a breeze. Lots of sunshine.

But I've got this aversion to driving into D.C. that's making even the prospect of getting some spectacular photos about as tempting as a dentist appointment.

I just don't wanna go.

So I'm not gonna.

(I know, I really should figure out what my aversion to the city is ... just not today.)

:o)