Donkey (because I don't that people will respond well to "jackass")

I pretty much love the church I’m going to.

This week has been a good but hard one … I’d resigned myself to the fact that God has this plan to prosper (and not harm) me, to give me a future and a hope, but that He’s said I have to wait. For what? I’m not sure. An open door, I’m guessing … probably for His timing ... or for all the pieces to be in place. And while I’m waiting, I’m to pursue relationship. Not job leads. Not interviews. Not a Masters degree in some unknown field. Not intermediate income. Relationship. Makes sense, right? Yeah, not to me either.

I also came face to face with the fact that my faith is pretty weak. I don’t wholeheartedly believe that He will do half the things I've heard Him say. I believe His will will be done, but I seriously doubt that I’ll be intact by the end of it. My desires are obviously not His desires. He isn’t really concerned with my comfort. Yet I’m compelled to follow Him.

This morning, Palm Sunday, Pastor Brett delivered what was the last installment of a series of messages on “Expanding the Kingdom”. He took this one from Mark 11:1-10, Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem.

In this passage, the people thought they were welcoming in a king that would rescue them from Roman rule … God did that, but not in the way that the people thought. He was coming to die for their sins, so that they could be in relationship with the Father.

Pastor Brett decided not to focus on the entry itself, but rather on the young colt that Jesus rode in on. It was unbroken (had never been ridden, and probably didn’t like the idea of having anything on its back), bound up (tied to a post, most likely) and far away from where He was. But Jesus had his disciples loose it from the place where it was tied up, brought it near and broke it in just in time to ride it in a parade welcoming His arrival into Jerusalem … that colt had no idea the plans that God had for it while it was tied up.

Something Pastor Brett said in the midst of his teaching stuck with me – “Jesus’ goal is to break you. He’s looking for unbroken people … He wants to ride you to places you didn’t even know you needed to go. Allow God to break you so you can become what He wants you to become. Invite Jesus to get on … you don’t know where you need to go. You want His destination, not your own.”

The fact that I don’t know where I’m going has never been more evident to me than it is in this place. I guess that explains this season a bit more ... I didn’t realize until this week just how much I still needed to be broken.

I don't know where to start ...

I went to the Job Club last night and the topic was about improving your resume. Everything that was said made sense, but as I sit and look at what I’ve done over the last ten years of my life I have no idea where to start.

The format I’d been using seems to be obsolete. There’s no need to put on there that I graduated Summa Cum Laude in 2000. Or what my BBA concentration was. I’m supposed to use words like “expertise”, and explain how I single-handedly improved my past employer’s establishments. There’s something called “Core Competencies” that I’m supposed to list, but I have no idea what those are for someone that’s been a missionary for the last seven years. I’m not even bothering to add “Professional Accomplishments” because I can’t think of any. I’m supposed to sell myself, but I don’t want to … I just want God to open a door so that I can walk through it and impact the lives of the people I work with and serve.

I was sitting in that room last night at church, looking over the resumes of the other people in the club who have been in their industries for 10+ years who can list all kinds of things that employers may be looking for … wondering how I’m supposed to word what God’s done through this missionary life I’ve led. Most people assume that I have some sort of edge because I’m globally minded, have lived and served abroad, and adapted to a life and culture not my own. I’m not so sure.

It would be so easy to just buy a plane ticket to Argentina right now, and say that I’m going to spend a year becoming fluent in Spanish.

But, I continue to wait. God said this was the next step … that He was going to open a door that no man can shut … that the place that He causes me to walk in will make all of the experiences I’ve had (SCI, YWAM, Africa, etc.) all make sense. I sure do wish He would bring it on already. Walking blind is beginning to take its toll again, and I’m crying out for a bit of mud and saliva to make the world a bit clearer.

Wednesday

I’m sitting in front of the house, in the warm sunshine because my fingers are numb. I’ve spent the better part of the last 24 hours trying to get my resume in order so that I could have a fighting chance at getting this job with World Vision I applied for just a few minutes ago. It’s a position for an intern/volunteer coordinator … something I think I would enjoy if I’m able to do it for an organization like World Vision.

You’re probably wondering why the numb fingers. The basement tends to be cooler than the rest of the house … not that I’m complaining. At night (and in the summer) it’s a beautiful thing. I just stayed down there too long because I was determined to get that application off today. There's no application deadline or reason for urgency ... I just felt like it was something I had to do. Whether or not I get a call back, interview or the job isn't up to me. God's the one that said He would open the door He wants me to go through.

So, I think I’m thawed out now. Off to make some lunch, then into town to do some grocery shopping before heading to church for the Job Club and Wednesday night service. We’re supposed to be tackling “networking” in the Job Club … and now that I’ve met a master networker (none other than Ms. Dorothy Logans, for those who know her), I think I’ll have a great frame of reference to work from. And MAYBE I can finally hear Jim Critcher speak tonight!

The Hill

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Seriously! The sun's out, there's a cool wind blowing, and you can take a walk without sweating. I'm told that come June or July, that won't be the case. Not a happy thought since I was under the impression that I was escaping some of the nastiness that is Houston weather.

I thought I'd post a few pics of where I'm living so that those of you who have never been to Virginia can see what my neck of the woods is like. (I must mention that when I tell people that live closer in to D.C. where I'm staying, they always ask, "Where's that?", followed by, "Why are you staying way out there?", which is usually followed by "Oh.") :o)

For those of you that don't know, I'm staying with some friends that I made way back when I was involved with the Singles ministry at Grace Community. They moved from Texas to Virginia 5+ years ago and are now raising their three children in the 'burbs. They've allowed me to stay in their very roomy basement (which has a full bathroom as well) until I get on my feet and figure out what God's up to. I'm amazed at their generosity.

I'm told that the Festival of Cherry Blossoms is coming up. Some time ago, Japan gifted a ton of trees to the Capitol sity and sometime around the end of March, beginning of April they're all supposed to bloom and signal the coming of Spring. I think it will be a great time to get the Canon out and begin taking photos againl. I'll make sure to get some shots of D.C. so that you can get a glimpse of what the city's like.

And, for my wonderful parents back in Houston who think I'm crazy when I say I'm going to the park to read when it's 45 degrees outside ... I include this picture of one of my favorite spots. A good book, a blanket and a few snacks ... need I say more?

I'm back!

I know it's March. And I know it's been five months since my last post. I've had a lot to say ... just didn't feel too great about sending my more vulnerable moments into cyberspace.

But, I'm back now. I'm no longer in Texas with my family. I'm not sure that I'll ever get to grad school. I'm not even able to clearly identify what type of job I'm looking for. I'm waiting on God to open a door that I could not, to a job that I will look at and say that I'm not qualified to do but is a place that will make the last seven years make sense, that will cause my family to sit back and wonder at the way God works.

Sound scary and random to you? Yeah, to me too.

So. Where am I? I'm living in Virginia with some awesome friends who have allowed me to live in their basement until I figure out what God's up to. What am I doing? Focusing on the last thing He said to me: "Build relationship ... be intentional. Wait on Me." What does that look like on a daily basis? Ha. That's the fun (and sometimes slightly frustrating) part. :o)

Each day is different. Some days I stay at home, catching up on reading. (Most recent projects have been a comparative writing on Judaism/Christianity, another on American history, The Color Purple and a few Christian fiction novels to lighten the load.) Some days I have been able to schedule lunch, dinner or coffee with someone I met through YWAM, South Africa, a friend of a friend, etc. I'm at church two days a week - Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. I got involved in a job club that meets once a week that has been helping me figure out how the job market works in this strange place. Some days I go to the park and just read, walk and pray. Most days I spend a bit of time hanging out with the family upstairs whose kids (age 7, 4 and 2) who call me their neighbor friend downstairs.

Am I doing it right? I have no idea. I know that last week was a pretty epic battle of surrendering my will to His (complete with a bit of drama, silence, tears, pep talks, screams of frustration, praying and glimmers of hope). I'm doing much better this week. Surrender has come, and I can honestly say I trust Him. If I'm still living in my friends' basement without employment come July 31st, with no money in the bank and a quarter tank of gas ... I still trust Him. He's up to something, and I don't think it's going to look anything like I expect it to look.

I think I can safely say I'm well into the next adventure with God!