I’m always amazed at where I am able to find people to connect with. Today, it was with the 50+ year old obituary writer from work. It all started with the question, “So, where did you learn to speak Spanish and why did you start?” The back story on this is that I happened to be upstairs making copies when I started working at the funeral home when I turned around to find out who the Mexican accented Spanish was coming from, only to see this gray-haired gringa from Kansas talking on the phone. Yeah, my mouth was open.
In the course of telling her story, she told me the story of an old Native American man who came up to her at a pow wow she went to when she was 17. He told her mom (who is ½ Native American) that her daughter had the” spirit of the butterfly and wouldn’t stay put for long … she will never be satisfied just staying where she is because something tells her there’s more to life.”
For the last two days I’ve dreamt of Africa. I don’t think it’s necessarily that I miss the continent, but I’m so ready to move on to the next thing. It’s not only the financial struggle I find myself in the middle of, or the job that I go to every day where I can literally feel the darkness of death trying to envelop me, or even the desire to feel that I’m doing something that is meaningful to me and the world. This is only a part of the rope that I feel tightening around my throat, cutting off my air supply and bringing water to my eyes.
I’ve come to realize that sitting around, watching movies like 2012 and talking about to nearness of the endtimes is not a good thing for me. Dwelling on impending doom and difficulty that is to come and trying to ascertain what my part in all of the coming chaos is to be causes me to think that all of my dreams and desires are futile. Seriously. What’s the point of going to graduate school and (most likely) accruing debt if there’s a coming financial crisis that’s bigger than the one we’re in (where I already can’t afford to live)? What’s the point of pursuing a Journalism degree when the world has (and will continue to develop) bigger problems? What’s the point of getting married and thinking about having kids if we’re all going to die anyway? And why does the enemy constantly work to make me think my dreams are pointless and hoping for the desires of my heart is an exercise in futility?
In the midst of all of these questions, I find myself wondering what in the world I'm doing here, feeling miserable. If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me why I chose to move here after hearing the story of my life over the last five years, I'd be able to buy at least a couple meals. I have an answer for why I came. I just don't necessarily have one for why I'm still here.
So, I'm praying. I realize that my resume is going to look like I have ADHD, but I have this plan that's been floating around in my head for months that I'm seriously considering: if I don’t find full-time work in January where I can pay my bills without stressing and (at least half-way) look forward going to, I’m seriously thinking of raising funds to live in South America until graduate school starts so that I can rebuild my Spanish language skills. I honestly believe it would be a better investment at this point in my life than what I’m currently doing.
I hate butterflies. Really. I also hate birds. But I identify with my friend’s description of herself. My heart comes alive when I think of the possibility of exploring new countries and engaging the culture there. Everything within me tells me that there has to be more … more than driving to this funeral home, crunching numbers and working on spreadsheets, trying to understand the negativity that dwells here and how the people who have worked here for 20+ years find contentment in this business. It tells me that I still am only half alive, just like I’ve been for most of my life … biding my time in yet another transitional period.
I wonder if butterflies realize how short their life is and that there's none available to just “bide”?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
struggle
I’ve been struggling lately. I have to admit that it’s not the fleeting struggle that normally visits me every once in a while.
It’s the “God, I’m not sure that I can live like this for much longer” kind of struggle.
The “I have to get out of this basement where caskets and dead bodies linger” kind of struggle.
The “when I cry I can’t breathe kind of struggle”.
Part of it is my job. It’s not a horrible job, but now I can feel the darkness surrounding me every day. It’s hard to feel passion for advocacy and change welling up inside of me, then have to sit at a desk for seven hours a day listening to people whose daily complaint is about “big brother watching over them” or their being “paid to sell, not learn how to use a computer”. On top of that, I can’t seem to make ends meet with the salary I’m being paid.
Financial issues would be another part of it. For the first time in my adult life, I can’t pay my bills. It didn’t happen in college (thanks to a full scholarship and part-time job). It didn’t happen post-college (when I made decent money and was living at home). Not in ministry … and not in Africa. But, at thirty-four years old I’m wandering around with a half-baked plan that I pray God is behind and am continuously spending more than I earn as I try to rebuild a life in the U.S.
And that the pit I’m living in is my fault.
It’s the “God, I’m not sure that I can live like this for much longer” kind of struggle.
The “I have to get out of this basement where caskets and dead bodies linger” kind of struggle.
The “when I cry I can’t breathe kind of struggle”.
Part of it is my job. It’s not a horrible job, but now I can feel the darkness surrounding me every day. It’s hard to feel passion for advocacy and change welling up inside of me, then have to sit at a desk for seven hours a day listening to people whose daily complaint is about “big brother watching over them” or their being “paid to sell, not learn how to use a computer”. On top of that, I can’t seem to make ends meet with the salary I’m being paid.
Financial issues would be another part of it. For the first time in my adult life, I can’t pay my bills. It didn’t happen in college (thanks to a full scholarship and part-time job). It didn’t happen post-college (when I made decent money and was living at home). Not in ministry … and not in Africa. But, at thirty-four years old I’m wandering around with a half-baked plan that I pray God is behind and am continuously spending more than I earn as I try to rebuild a life in the U.S.
And that the pit I’m living in is my fault.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Stalemate
Am I the only one who wishes they could turn their “dreamer” off?
I was talking to my sister yesterday and she said something about me that I had to think about – “I was telling Dad that you were a dreamer, and sometimes your dreams and God’s dreams don’t always connect.” At first I had to fight that defensiveness that comes up whenever my family talks about my personality and attributes … I spent most of my youth believing their was something wrong with me … too sensitive, too rude, too lazy, too much and too little, all at the same time.
When I asked God to put this into perspective, I realized that she was right. In the place where my dreams and God’s don’t connect I’ve found most of my greatest disappointments. And I find myself sitting in the middle of the floor right now with what seems like “the space between” dreams sitting in my lap.
God spoke this whole Journalism thing over the summer, and in my mind I mapped out a plan to get me from where I am to the picture I saw in my head. Part of that plan included school, getting a solid foundation in writing and reporting. Now I’m not so sure.
I find myself wondering if this stalemate is due to the fact that admissions deadlines are looming and I haven’t studied for (let alone taken) the GRE. Add to that the fact that the prospect of failing to get into any of the highly competitive programs I’m thinking of applying for would mean that I would be back at ground zero regarding this new direction, as well as bring confirmation that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. Or maybe I just need to go back to Him and sit awhile, asking Him to clarify what path I’m to take on this new leg of the journey.
Either way, I find myself struggling a bit as I think of a year plus dodging bodies at the funeral home for the next year while I try to figure this out. I find my hope wavering and feel as though life is passing me by. I really need to see beyond today to see His big picture.
Because:
~ bottom line – I cannot fail where He has called me.
~ bottom line – He’s the one that spoke Journalism, not me.
~ bottom line – He has a plan to get me from where I am to where He wants me.
~ bottom line – because I’m submitted to Him, He will use my life to bring Him glory.
~ bottom line – even if it takes ten years for me to get to the place of having the dream He’s placed in my heart become a reality, I have to remember that He’s with me and no time with Him is wasted.
No matter how disconnected I may feel.
I was talking to my sister yesterday and she said something about me that I had to think about – “I was telling Dad that you were a dreamer, and sometimes your dreams and God’s dreams don’t always connect.” At first I had to fight that defensiveness that comes up whenever my family talks about my personality and attributes … I spent most of my youth believing their was something wrong with me … too sensitive, too rude, too lazy, too much and too little, all at the same time.
When I asked God to put this into perspective, I realized that she was right. In the place where my dreams and God’s don’t connect I’ve found most of my greatest disappointments. And I find myself sitting in the middle of the floor right now with what seems like “the space between” dreams sitting in my lap.
God spoke this whole Journalism thing over the summer, and in my mind I mapped out a plan to get me from where I am to the picture I saw in my head. Part of that plan included school, getting a solid foundation in writing and reporting. Now I’m not so sure.
I find myself wondering if this stalemate is due to the fact that admissions deadlines are looming and I haven’t studied for (let alone taken) the GRE. Add to that the fact that the prospect of failing to get into any of the highly competitive programs I’m thinking of applying for would mean that I would be back at ground zero regarding this new direction, as well as bring confirmation that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. Or maybe I just need to go back to Him and sit awhile, asking Him to clarify what path I’m to take on this new leg of the journey.
Either way, I find myself struggling a bit as I think of a year plus dodging bodies at the funeral home for the next year while I try to figure this out. I find my hope wavering and feel as though life is passing me by. I really need to see beyond today to see His big picture.
Because:
~ bottom line – I cannot fail where He has called me.
~ bottom line – He’s the one that spoke Journalism, not me.
~ bottom line – He has a plan to get me from where I am to where He wants me.
~ bottom line – because I’m submitted to Him, He will use my life to bring Him glory.
~ bottom line – even if it takes ten years for me to get to the place of having the dream He’s placed in my heart become a reality, I have to remember that He’s with me and no time with Him is wasted.
No matter how disconnected I may feel.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Face to Face
I’ve been away too long.
It’s been weeks since I’ve spent any real time in the Prayer Room. A few Sundays ago I did come in for about 45 minutes one afternoon, but felt like God said to “go home”.
As I sit in the 6pm set, taking in Cory Asbury singing “Jesus, I love you. Jesus I adore You. You’re the One I want.” I can feel my heart being filled up all over again. There’s just something about this place that settles my spirit and brings me peace. Knowing that my God is real and that it’s perfectly “normal” to spend two hours worshipping Him does this body (mind and soul) good.
It’s not that things are super stressful at work or school, or that there are issues on the home front. It’s not that I’m all of a sudden feeling the loneliness that sometimes comes with being single and living far away from family. It’s not even that I haven’t been praying or reading my Bible (although I haven’t been doing that last one anywhere near as much as I should).
It’s kind of the feeling you get when you were hanging out with your bff every day for months, chatting and laughing, crying and figuring out the world together … then all of a sudden that friend moves to another state and the busyness of life sets in. All you’ve got is the telephone and email. When you get to be face to face with them again, it’s a sweet time.
That’s what I’m experiencing right now in the Prayer Room. Having face to face time with the best friend a girl could have … one that would lay down His life for her and remind her everyday that she’s beautiful and worth so much more than she knows.
How I’ve missed Him.
It’s been weeks since I’ve spent any real time in the Prayer Room. A few Sundays ago I did come in for about 45 minutes one afternoon, but felt like God said to “go home”.
As I sit in the 6pm set, taking in Cory Asbury singing “Jesus, I love you. Jesus I adore You. You’re the One I want.” I can feel my heart being filled up all over again. There’s just something about this place that settles my spirit and brings me peace. Knowing that my God is real and that it’s perfectly “normal” to spend two hours worshipping Him does this body (mind and soul) good.
It’s not that things are super stressful at work or school, or that there are issues on the home front. It’s not that I’m all of a sudden feeling the loneliness that sometimes comes with being single and living far away from family. It’s not even that I haven’t been praying or reading my Bible (although I haven’t been doing that last one anywhere near as much as I should).
It’s kind of the feeling you get when you were hanging out with your bff every day for months, chatting and laughing, crying and figuring out the world together … then all of a sudden that friend moves to another state and the busyness of life sets in. All you’ve got is the telephone and email. When you get to be face to face with them again, it’s a sweet time.
That’s what I’m experiencing right now in the Prayer Room. Having face to face time with the best friend a girl could have … one that would lay down His life for her and remind her everyday that she’s beautiful and worth so much more than she knows.
How I’ve missed Him.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
It's A New Season
Hmmm ... just realized I've been neglecting the blog. Gotta work on that!
So, I came back to KC and started my new job. It's ok ... a steady paycheck is nice, and not being stuck in a building for 8 hours a day, every day is nice. Working part-time with no benefits has some perks!
First week was really about me learning about the inner workings of the sales environment at one of our locations. I had to go through a mountain of paper that has accumulated over the last 8 years and figure out what to keep, what to throw away. Later in the week I started learning about the reports I'll be working on, which is much more interesting than sorting paper. We'll see what else my supervisor throws my way to occupy the 6 hours a day he has me for.
School has been pretty interesting as well. I decided to drop all of my classes but one (SO glad I did this!!). It's a Cross-cultural Journalism & Mass Media course. My prof was a foreign correspondent for PBS for 12 years and has been teaching for 15. We share lecture time with students at MIZZOU (where I want to do my masters), which has provided some fun diversions in the form of technical difficulties.
As I sit in class I look around and can't help thinking that I used to be where these kids are once. So many of them are sure of the path that they're on, young and optimistic with ideals that have largely been unchallenged. I listen to their opinions and ideas and can't help wondering at where the future generations will find their hope and identity.
The longer that I sit and ponder this thought, the more I question what I'm doing to bring light and perspective to those He's placed in my life. Not just at school, but also at work.
It seems that relationship is still key.
So, I came back to KC and started my new job. It's ok ... a steady paycheck is nice, and not being stuck in a building for 8 hours a day, every day is nice. Working part-time with no benefits has some perks!
First week was really about me learning about the inner workings of the sales environment at one of our locations. I had to go through a mountain of paper that has accumulated over the last 8 years and figure out what to keep, what to throw away. Later in the week I started learning about the reports I'll be working on, which is much more interesting than sorting paper. We'll see what else my supervisor throws my way to occupy the 6 hours a day he has me for.
School has been pretty interesting as well. I decided to drop all of my classes but one (SO glad I did this!!). It's a Cross-cultural Journalism & Mass Media course. My prof was a foreign correspondent for PBS for 12 years and has been teaching for 15. We share lecture time with students at MIZZOU (where I want to do my masters), which has provided some fun diversions in the form of technical difficulties.
As I sit in class I look around and can't help thinking that I used to be where these kids are once. So many of them are sure of the path that they're on, young and optimistic with ideals that have largely been unchallenged. I listen to their opinions and ideas and can't help wondering at where the future generations will find their hope and identity.
The longer that I sit and ponder this thought, the more I question what I'm doing to bring light and perspective to those He's placed in my life. Not just at school, but also at work.
It seems that relationship is still key.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Good Enough
If you do any research online about IHOP you will most definitely find those who consider the things going on here to be heresy and not “of God”. There’s talk about the manifestations going on at the Awakening, the Bridegroom teachings, the cult-like practices of the base, etc.
I’ve read them, and I think there will always be room for things to move in a direction that shifts from honoring God to erring on the side of demon-influenced where man is involved. One thing I can’t deny is the fruit that comes from spending time in God’s presence here.
I grew up as one of those Christians who served God out of duty. It was what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him ... you could say that I have a really strong obedience reflex. Even when I truly believed that God loved me but didn’t really like me all that much because I constantly messed up, I served Him. He said “go” and I did. He said “speak”, “sit”, or “stand” and I did, because I thought it was pleasing to Him. I did it out of obligation and in the hopes that if I lived a life of obedience that I could somehow get Him to be pleased with me in spite of my glaring (to me) flaws.
Here and there along the way I caught glimpses of the fact that God loves me and delights in me … that I am “the apple of his eye”. But for the most part there was this striving that was constantly my companion, and my disappointments were always clear evidence of God’s disapproval. This God that “loved” me was constantly stripping, wounding and hurting me in order to teach me a lesson and bring me into true submission.
This was why He made me wait for His promises.
This was why He made me do things I didn’t want to do, that went against every fiber of my being.
This was why He created me (physically) the way He did.
He created me to struggle through life, trying to get to the place of being “good enough”.
This is who I believed He was.
I realize that I must be really determined and stubborn to make it as long as I did and do some of the things I did for Him.
While I was in South Africa God really began challenging the foundation of my walk with Him. I remember Him saying to me that He “wanted me to serve Him out of love instead of obligation”. I told Him I didn’t know how to do that. To me, my obedience and devotion were evidence of my love for Him. What a strange moment it was when I realized that my obedience and devotion were actually out of obligation instead of a deep love for my God who left His place of perfect communion with His Father to bring me to the place of relationship.
The fruit (so far) of my time at IHOP has been a more complete understanding of this God I serve. He chose me and enabled me to respond to His call. He doesn’t want my strivings and obligation … He wants me to respond to His love. Part of that response is serving. Part is sharing with others about what He has done, as well as what He desires to do in their lives. Part is just sitting still and spending time in His word. Part is telling Him what I feel and think about Him. Part of it is being open to letting Him touch me in ways that I think look foolish.
It is coming to a deeper realization of the magnitude, strength, splendor, holiness and purity of my God. It is realizing that my sin grieves His heart. In reading His word I find that what’s written there draws me nearer to Him and away from the one that would seek to destroy me. It causes me to relinquish the idols I’ve held on to for dear life. I find rest in believing that He loves me and, even when my plans change drastically or He doesn’t make sense, I look to Him instead of falling into disappointment because He loves and is still in control. I find myself moving away from selfishness and consumerism. I am at peace. I have more grace for people. I love more effectively. His mercy makes so much more sense. The strivings of my flesh to obtain His approval have ceased. I have a greater desire to pray, read His word, and fashion my life after His. I’ve grown in compassion and many of my walls have come down.
And, the secret shame that comes with not being “good enough” is gone.
I’ve read them, and I think there will always be room for things to move in a direction that shifts from honoring God to erring on the side of demon-influenced where man is involved. One thing I can’t deny is the fruit that comes from spending time in God’s presence here.
I grew up as one of those Christians who served God out of duty. It was what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him ... you could say that I have a really strong obedience reflex. Even when I truly believed that God loved me but didn’t really like me all that much because I constantly messed up, I served Him. He said “go” and I did. He said “speak”, “sit”, or “stand” and I did, because I thought it was pleasing to Him. I did it out of obligation and in the hopes that if I lived a life of obedience that I could somehow get Him to be pleased with me in spite of my glaring (to me) flaws.
Here and there along the way I caught glimpses of the fact that God loves me and delights in me … that I am “the apple of his eye”. But for the most part there was this striving that was constantly my companion, and my disappointments were always clear evidence of God’s disapproval. This God that “loved” me was constantly stripping, wounding and hurting me in order to teach me a lesson and bring me into true submission.
This was why He made me wait for His promises.
This was why He made me do things I didn’t want to do, that went against every fiber of my being.
This was why He created me (physically) the way He did.
He created me to struggle through life, trying to get to the place of being “good enough”.
This is who I believed He was.
I realize that I must be really determined and stubborn to make it as long as I did and do some of the things I did for Him.
While I was in South Africa God really began challenging the foundation of my walk with Him. I remember Him saying to me that He “wanted me to serve Him out of love instead of obligation”. I told Him I didn’t know how to do that. To me, my obedience and devotion were evidence of my love for Him. What a strange moment it was when I realized that my obedience and devotion were actually out of obligation instead of a deep love for my God who left His place of perfect communion with His Father to bring me to the place of relationship.
The fruit (so far) of my time at IHOP has been a more complete understanding of this God I serve. He chose me and enabled me to respond to His call. He doesn’t want my strivings and obligation … He wants me to respond to His love. Part of that response is serving. Part is sharing with others about what He has done, as well as what He desires to do in their lives. Part is just sitting still and spending time in His word. Part is telling Him what I feel and think about Him. Part of it is being open to letting Him touch me in ways that I think look foolish.
It is coming to a deeper realization of the magnitude, strength, splendor, holiness and purity of my God. It is realizing that my sin grieves His heart. In reading His word I find that what’s written there draws me nearer to Him and away from the one that would seek to destroy me. It causes me to relinquish the idols I’ve held on to for dear life. I find rest in believing that He loves me and, even when my plans change drastically or He doesn’t make sense, I look to Him instead of falling into disappointment because He loves and is still in control. I find myself moving away from selfishness and consumerism. I am at peace. I have more grace for people. I love more effectively. His mercy makes so much more sense. The strivings of my flesh to obtain His approval have ceased. I have a greater desire to pray, read His word, and fashion my life after His. I’ve grown in compassion and many of my walls have come down.
And, the secret shame that comes with not being “good enough” is gone.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Rest.
It’s a funny thing to look back at a situation and realize that God’s changed your heart.
A few weeks ago God really challenged my stranglehold on the idols of my preference and plans. It was painful … I won’t lie. But, I knew that they had to go. We’ve been playing tug-of-war around these two for some time now.
I found myself living in this dangerous cycle in regards to my preferences and plans.
1) I would get all excited about a plan that I felt He’d given me.
2) Things would not go the way I thought they would with said plan.
3) I would become really disappointed and doubt His goodness.
4) Depression would follow.
5) God would look like the bad guy in the whole situation – a Father who promises good things but then withholds them from me.
For years I’ve been living in this pattern. I would hold tightly to the plans I thought He gave. In some cases, this worked really well … I was able to set my face like flint in regards to things I believed He’d called me to and no amount of logic would deter me.
But there’s also a dark side to this determination as well. My personality (I’ve read) is one that doesn’t deal with disappointment well. I’m an idealist. I dream big dreams and formulate plans that should go off without a hitch just like they do in the perfect world that exists in my head.
In the real world, though, things don’t always match up with my beautiful picture. And when they don’t, I haven’t always known how to cope.
This past week I received some news regarding school that would have sent me into a downward spiral a few months ago. My scholarship didn’t come through and I’m not getting any responses from the University. Instead of jumping on the phone and calling the advisors to find out what the hold up was, I asked God what His thoughts were.
His response was, “Rest.” He’s got it under control. If I have to cut back to six hours instead of twelve so that I don’t have to pay non-resident tuition, it’s all good.
I also started thinking that maybe I would just take a few writing courses in the Spring and study for the GRE until then. I could apply to start grad school in the Fall of 2011 and bypass the second bachelors altogether.
It’s so amazing to look back and realize that something’s shifted inside of you. And that life is much better lived in a fluid state of trusting Him and grasping His hand rather than trying to maintain a death grip on the picture you were living out in your head.
I’m finding rest there.
A few weeks ago God really challenged my stranglehold on the idols of my preference and plans. It was painful … I won’t lie. But, I knew that they had to go. We’ve been playing tug-of-war around these two for some time now.
I found myself living in this dangerous cycle in regards to my preferences and plans.
1) I would get all excited about a plan that I felt He’d given me.
2) Things would not go the way I thought they would with said plan.
3) I would become really disappointed and doubt His goodness.
4) Depression would follow.
5) God would look like the bad guy in the whole situation – a Father who promises good things but then withholds them from me.
For years I’ve been living in this pattern. I would hold tightly to the plans I thought He gave. In some cases, this worked really well … I was able to set my face like flint in regards to things I believed He’d called me to and no amount of logic would deter me.
But there’s also a dark side to this determination as well. My personality (I’ve read) is one that doesn’t deal with disappointment well. I’m an idealist. I dream big dreams and formulate plans that should go off without a hitch just like they do in the perfect world that exists in my head.
In the real world, though, things don’t always match up with my beautiful picture. And when they don’t, I haven’t always known how to cope.
This past week I received some news regarding school that would have sent me into a downward spiral a few months ago. My scholarship didn’t come through and I’m not getting any responses from the University. Instead of jumping on the phone and calling the advisors to find out what the hold up was, I asked God what His thoughts were.
His response was, “Rest.” He’s got it under control. If I have to cut back to six hours instead of twelve so that I don’t have to pay non-resident tuition, it’s all good.
I also started thinking that maybe I would just take a few writing courses in the Spring and study for the GRE until then. I could apply to start grad school in the Fall of 2011 and bypass the second bachelors altogether.
It’s so amazing to look back and realize that something’s shifted inside of you. And that life is much better lived in a fluid state of trusting Him and grasping His hand rather than trying to maintain a death grip on the picture you were living out in your head.
I’m finding rest there.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Memphis
I just got back from visiting Memphis, where one of my college dorm mates got married. Three dorm-mates from the same floor got married in one year. Gotta love it.
I have to admit that I’d forgotten how GHETTO Memphis is. I think I’ve lived in suburbia too much lately, because it was definitely a culture shock to be there again. I also forgot how bad drivers there can be. I’d forgotten what an overload of Southern cooking and barbeque do to my system. And, I’d forgotten how precious the relationships that God blessed me with during my college years were.
I got to hang out with only a handful of the crew I hung out with in college. Most of them have married and moved to other parts of the U.S. and the world. Some of them I didn’t maintain as strong of a bond with, so I didn’t feel compelled to call them up to hang out. The five that I spent the most time with reminded me of what I was like back then and showed me just how much I’ve grown. They also helped bring humorous clarity to some of the craziness we did as 18-21 year olds. They also challenged me with how I live my life today.
Most of my friends from Memphis have Masters degrees in various fields and are happy with their vocational choices. They’re involved in their churches. They have solid relationships with their loved ones. They have a relationship with God and desire Him to move in their lives.
The one thing that challenged me as I spent time with them was just how content they seemed with where their lives were. Most have been through tough things over the last thirteen years. They all had things that they were believing God for. In talking with them, I realized that I am nowhere near as content as they seem. I still feel like I’m reaching for some unknown thing, wrestling with my inner self, stretching forward to some ideal that’s just out of my reach.
I find myself wondering if I had a career that I loved, were married and “on track” with the family plan, were settled into great relationships with my family, and had a solid group of friends around me … would this emptiness be filled? Somehow I doubt it. I’m beginning to think that it’s how He created me. For some reason, there will always be something that’s not quite right.
I feel like God reminded me that He’s still in control regarding my life. There is no plan B. He’s leading and He has good and perfect plans for me. This current step/situation isn’t any different from Africa or YWAM Denver or D.C. or Memphis. It all fits together to weave the tapestry of my life. The people I’ve met are significant. No matter how random it may seem to me, it’s not random to Him. He is pouring into me what is needed for the next adventure. That adventure may just be further out than I anticipated. My goal continues to be - embrace every opportunity to learn and grow in love that He places before you.
I have to admit that I’d forgotten how GHETTO Memphis is. I think I’ve lived in suburbia too much lately, because it was definitely a culture shock to be there again. I also forgot how bad drivers there can be. I’d forgotten what an overload of Southern cooking and barbeque do to my system. And, I’d forgotten how precious the relationships that God blessed me with during my college years were.
I got to hang out with only a handful of the crew I hung out with in college. Most of them have married and moved to other parts of the U.S. and the world. Some of them I didn’t maintain as strong of a bond with, so I didn’t feel compelled to call them up to hang out. The five that I spent the most time with reminded me of what I was like back then and showed me just how much I’ve grown. They also helped bring humorous clarity to some of the craziness we did as 18-21 year olds. They also challenged me with how I live my life today.
Most of my friends from Memphis have Masters degrees in various fields and are happy with their vocational choices. They’re involved in their churches. They have solid relationships with their loved ones. They have a relationship with God and desire Him to move in their lives.
The one thing that challenged me as I spent time with them was just how content they seemed with where their lives were. Most have been through tough things over the last thirteen years. They all had things that they were believing God for. In talking with them, I realized that I am nowhere near as content as they seem. I still feel like I’m reaching for some unknown thing, wrestling with my inner self, stretching forward to some ideal that’s just out of my reach.
I find myself wondering if I had a career that I loved, were married and “on track” with the family plan, were settled into great relationships with my family, and had a solid group of friends around me … would this emptiness be filled? Somehow I doubt it. I’m beginning to think that it’s how He created me. For some reason, there will always be something that’s not quite right.
I feel like God reminded me that He’s still in control regarding my life. There is no plan B. He’s leading and He has good and perfect plans for me. This current step/situation isn’t any different from Africa or YWAM Denver or D.C. or Memphis. It all fits together to weave the tapestry of my life. The people I’ve met are significant. No matter how random it may seem to me, it’s not random to Him. He is pouring into me what is needed for the next adventure. That adventure may just be further out than I anticipated. My goal continues to be - embrace every opportunity to learn and grow in love that He places before you.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Shift
It’s been a while …
Since I last wrote on here a couple things have changed. For one, I know that something shifted in the spirit two Saturdays ago. Then, on the ride down to Memphis for a college dorm-mate’s wedding I heard Him say that He was letting me have what I’ve been asking for.
I have to admit that no joy came with that last bit of information. My heart actually sank.
I’m not sure why, but it felt like He was allowing me to follow to a lesser plan. It felt like I’d bugged Him too much about things in the natural realm, so He was turning me over to the alternate plan instead of keeping me in the place of focusing on Him. I immediately felt like I’d settled.
It didn’t help that while I was in Memphis I received the bill for the Fall semester and a job offer from my old company pretty much within minutes of each other.
I won’t lie – I was hoping for something else to come my way vocationally. I was hoping for a door to open that would make everyone (myself included) look at all of the craziness of the last five months and see the hand of the Lord … I was hoping for an “Aha!” moment that validated all of the moves and fulfilled the basic desire of my heart – the first step in walking into the destiny that God has for me.
Instead I’m going back to the same company that I’ve worked for since I graduated from university (four times in all, counting this new position) out of necessity. They’re not in an industry I see myself staying in for the rest of my life. While I usually enjoy the people I work with, I find the company itself to be a little predatory in their sales practices. Yet another job … not an open door to a promising and fulfilling career.
And I find myself wondering how many more times in my life will I have to settle because of necessity.
Being an idealist pretty much sucks.
So, now I find myself studying in a field that I never would’ve chosen, at a school that I never would’ve picked, working for my old company that I didn’t want to return to, living in a city that I never would have chosen to stay in.
I continually have to remind myself that I chose to let go of my idols of preference and my plans just before all of this happened. His plans are higher than mine, and I know that He knows exactly what is best for me. He’s painting a bigger picture that I can’t even begin to imagine, because all I can see is the brush strokes in front of my nose.
I sure do hope that these two areas aren’t the only places where God is “giving me what I’ve been asking for” … there are a couple big picture petitions I’ve been putting before His throne lately that I would like to see come to pass as well. I’m not going to hold my breath for those, though. I figure I’ve got enough to deal with and adjust to already.
Since I last wrote on here a couple things have changed. For one, I know that something shifted in the spirit two Saturdays ago. Then, on the ride down to Memphis for a college dorm-mate’s wedding I heard Him say that He was letting me have what I’ve been asking for.
I have to admit that no joy came with that last bit of information. My heart actually sank.
I’m not sure why, but it felt like He was allowing me to follow to a lesser plan. It felt like I’d bugged Him too much about things in the natural realm, so He was turning me over to the alternate plan instead of keeping me in the place of focusing on Him. I immediately felt like I’d settled.
It didn’t help that while I was in Memphis I received the bill for the Fall semester and a job offer from my old company pretty much within minutes of each other.
I won’t lie – I was hoping for something else to come my way vocationally. I was hoping for a door to open that would make everyone (myself included) look at all of the craziness of the last five months and see the hand of the Lord … I was hoping for an “Aha!” moment that validated all of the moves and fulfilled the basic desire of my heart – the first step in walking into the destiny that God has for me.
Instead I’m going back to the same company that I’ve worked for since I graduated from university (four times in all, counting this new position) out of necessity. They’re not in an industry I see myself staying in for the rest of my life. While I usually enjoy the people I work with, I find the company itself to be a little predatory in their sales practices. Yet another job … not an open door to a promising and fulfilling career.
And I find myself wondering how many more times in my life will I have to settle because of necessity.
Being an idealist pretty much sucks.
So, now I find myself studying in a field that I never would’ve chosen, at a school that I never would’ve picked, working for my old company that I didn’t want to return to, living in a city that I never would have chosen to stay in.
I continually have to remind myself that I chose to let go of my idols of preference and my plans just before all of this happened. His plans are higher than mine, and I know that He knows exactly what is best for me. He’s painting a bigger picture that I can’t even begin to imagine, because all I can see is the brush strokes in front of my nose.
I sure do hope that these two areas aren’t the only places where God is “giving me what I’ve been asking for” … there are a couple big picture petitions I’ve been putting before His throne lately that I would like to see come to pass as well. I’m not going to hold my breath for those, though. I figure I’ve got enough to deal with and adjust to already.
Monday, July 26, 2010
SOS (Song of Songs)
2:10-14
Get up, my dear friend
fair and beautiful – come to me!
Look around you: Winter is over;
the winter rains are over, gone!
Spring flowers are in blossom all over.
the whole world’s a choir – and singing!
Spring warblers are filling the forest
with sweet arpeggios.
Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,
and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.
Oh, get up, dear friend,
my fair and beautiful lover – come to me!
Come, my shy and modest dove –
leave your seclusion, come out in the open.
Let me see your face,
let me hear your voice.
For your voice is soothing
and your face is ravishing.
This is the scripture that God asked me to meditate on Sunday morning. At first, I thought, “Man! If some guy I was interested in were to say these words to me I might just turn to putty. That’s some dangerous stuff!”
Then I heard Jesus say, “I’m saying these words to you …”
Oh.
I have to admit that it’s even more potent a message when it comes from Jesus. He’s had me park in the Song of Songs quite a bit since moving to KC. I guess there’s almost no better place to truly learn just how He feels about me.
There are so many words of promise in these verses that are pertinent to where I am today. For instance, just thinking of the terms of endearment that the Lover calls his Beloved – my dear friend, fair and beautiful lover, shy and modest dove – all of these speak to me. Then there’s the words of hope in the midst of what has been one of the hardest seasons of my life – “Winter is over … Spring flowers are in blossom”. There’s the "coincidence" that I see in the fact that I pretty much wear two types of perfume (because most other scents induce headaches for me) and one is the scent of cherry blossoms, the other uses lilacs.
Then there’s the invitation – “leave your seclusion, come out in the open.” God’s been challenging me to stop hiding for the last few months and I haven’t known what that meant or what it looked like in my case to stop hiding. Here it is again. I’m still not 100% sure, but it looks like I’m about to find out.
Get up, my dear friend
fair and beautiful – come to me!
Look around you: Winter is over;
the winter rains are over, gone!
Spring flowers are in blossom all over.
the whole world’s a choir – and singing!
Spring warblers are filling the forest
with sweet arpeggios.
Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed,
and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.
Oh, get up, dear friend,
my fair and beautiful lover – come to me!
Come, my shy and modest dove –
leave your seclusion, come out in the open.
Let me see your face,
let me hear your voice.
For your voice is soothing
and your face is ravishing.
This is the scripture that God asked me to meditate on Sunday morning. At first, I thought, “Man! If some guy I was interested in were to say these words to me I might just turn to putty. That’s some dangerous stuff!”
Then I heard Jesus say, “I’m saying these words to you …”
Oh.
I have to admit that it’s even more potent a message when it comes from Jesus. He’s had me park in the Song of Songs quite a bit since moving to KC. I guess there’s almost no better place to truly learn just how He feels about me.
There are so many words of promise in these verses that are pertinent to where I am today. For instance, just thinking of the terms of endearment that the Lover calls his Beloved – my dear friend, fair and beautiful lover, shy and modest dove – all of these speak to me. Then there’s the words of hope in the midst of what has been one of the hardest seasons of my life – “Winter is over … Spring flowers are in blossom”. There’s the "coincidence" that I see in the fact that I pretty much wear two types of perfume (because most other scents induce headaches for me) and one is the scent of cherry blossoms, the other uses lilacs.
Then there’s the invitation – “leave your seclusion, come out in the open.” God’s been challenging me to stop hiding for the last few months and I haven’t known what that meant or what it looked like in my case to stop hiding. Here it is again. I’m still not 100% sure, but it looks like I’m about to find out.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Anger
I was sitting in the prayer room this morning, reading through old journal entries I'd written about insights over the last month. One of them was talking about my enneagram (personality test) results, and how I was really disappointed that I was a One. According to the internet, Ones are "notoriously hard on themselves, work hard to make the world a better place, have high standards and ethics, are often disappointed in themselves when expectations aren't met, obsess about what they should or should not have done and are prone to anger".
I had to laugh, because all of the descriptors are pretty much true about me. But, I've thought this whole time that I was alone in this because no one else in my family seems to think the way I do. Most of my friends don't seem to operate this way. So, I thought I was the only one.
Not.
I realized as I read this that I have no idea how to be angry. Growing up, anytime I got angry I was told that I didn't have a right to be. Anger was met with punishment for the most part. When I read "Be angry, yet in your anger do not sin," my first thought is that I don't know how to do the first part of that sentence.
I pretty much stuff anger. As I sat in the prayer room I closed my eyes and thought of something that makes me angry. Two things came up - being hit in the face and stupid drivers in Houston. The first brought a picture response of my doing a quick ninja-like jab to the face of the person that did it, breaking their nose. The other brought with it a string of words that I can't type on here.
I also thought back to my recent day of mourning. At the height of dealing with my emotions in regards to Wendy's death, my anger came out. It was directed toward God. It was so powerful that I had to clench my teeth, started shaking all over, and there's a good possibility that I screamed. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was one of the most emotionally intense moments I've had in a long time. I felt like I'd completely lost control of myself (one of my fears ... maintaining some sense of self-control is pretty important to that balanced image that I've worked so hard to present to the world). I really believe that God knew I was angry with Him. I also believe that He's big enough to handle it. And He loves me still.
The beautiful thing about this moment is that I feel like something inside me cracked. All of the pain that had been creating that dull ache seeped out. My chest doesn't hurt anymore. And I'm hoping that now that most (if not all) of that pent up emotion has been emptied, He can fill my heart with genuine love for Him instead. And maybe with it there will come that true abandon that is brought on by deeply loving someone.
I'm looking forward to falling deeper in love with Him and able to truly smile again.
I had to laugh, because all of the descriptors are pretty much true about me. But, I've thought this whole time that I was alone in this because no one else in my family seems to think the way I do. Most of my friends don't seem to operate this way. So, I thought I was the only one.
Not.
I realized as I read this that I have no idea how to be angry. Growing up, anytime I got angry I was told that I didn't have a right to be. Anger was met with punishment for the most part. When I read "Be angry, yet in your anger do not sin," my first thought is that I don't know how to do the first part of that sentence.
I pretty much stuff anger. As I sat in the prayer room I closed my eyes and thought of something that makes me angry. Two things came up - being hit in the face and stupid drivers in Houston. The first brought a picture response of my doing a quick ninja-like jab to the face of the person that did it, breaking their nose. The other brought with it a string of words that I can't type on here.
I also thought back to my recent day of mourning. At the height of dealing with my emotions in regards to Wendy's death, my anger came out. It was directed toward God. It was so powerful that I had to clench my teeth, started shaking all over, and there's a good possibility that I screamed. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was one of the most emotionally intense moments I've had in a long time. I felt like I'd completely lost control of myself (one of my fears ... maintaining some sense of self-control is pretty important to that balanced image that I've worked so hard to present to the world). I really believe that God knew I was angry with Him. I also believe that He's big enough to handle it. And He loves me still.
The beautiful thing about this moment is that I feel like something inside me cracked. All of the pain that had been creating that dull ache seeped out. My chest doesn't hurt anymore. And I'm hoping that now that most (if not all) of that pent up emotion has been emptied, He can fill my heart with genuine love for Him instead. And maybe with it there will come that true abandon that is brought on by deeply loving someone.
I'm looking forward to falling deeper in love with Him and able to truly smile again.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tea and Letters
I have to admit that there's nothing better than having friends who, in spite of distance and time are able to speak words of life to you in the midst of your season on turmoil. I have been blessed with several of those throughout my life. Dianne, my sister has been the most constant one ... probably because she was there when I was born. But there are others that God brought into my life at a later time that continue to reveal more of the heart of God to me.
I've been emailing with one such friend that I met in South Africa. To say that her explanations of what's been going on in her life since I left the continent have shown me that in spite of circumstances, God is good, is an understatement. Her words about God as a good Friend who you can't be angry with for long and one who gently sweeps away the residue of painful experiences have given me hope that the Lord can and will quiet the storm that's waging in me and soothe the ache. I miss sitting in her living room with a good cup of tea, chatting and laughing about what God is doing in our lives.
But now a couple thousand miles separate us. I've got to settle for an email in my inbox every few days. I can still hear her Ukrainian accent in the words she writes. I can see her hand motions, and remember the way she sits with legs folded on her overstuffed chairs. And, I remember just how blessed I am to have people that love me just as I am, in spite of the craziness that is going on in my life at the moment.
I've been emailing with one such friend that I met in South Africa. To say that her explanations of what's been going on in her life since I left the continent have shown me that in spite of circumstances, God is good, is an understatement. Her words about God as a good Friend who you can't be angry with for long and one who gently sweeps away the residue of painful experiences have given me hope that the Lord can and will quiet the storm that's waging in me and soothe the ache. I miss sitting in her living room with a good cup of tea, chatting and laughing about what God is doing in our lives.
But now a couple thousand miles separate us. I've got to settle for an email in my inbox every few days. I can still hear her Ukrainian accent in the words she writes. I can see her hand motions, and remember the way she sits with legs folded on her overstuffed chairs. And, I remember just how blessed I am to have people that love me just as I am, in spite of the craziness that is going on in my life at the moment.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Disappointment
So, this subject matter is a little sensitive. I’ve pretty much cried through the writing of the entire entry. Just so you know …
What do you say when God says to you that He wants to expose the root of the inability to move past disappointment and bring healing that leads to freedom? My response … “Um, how painful is that gonna be, God, and do we have to do it in public?”
Of course I said okay. What else am I going to say? This dull ache in my chest and constant overshadowing of doom and gloom in my life is getting old. I realize that part of this is my personality … all of the Psych literature says that one of the biggest issues for people with my type is inability to deal with disappointment in a healthy way … we internalize it and it either goes the route of anger or depression. Anger was my outlet during my teen years. Depression won out in the end as the years wore on and the anger brought on consequences and comments like, “You have no right to be angry about anything” from my family. Besides, depression was easier to hide … so it won.
Just so you know, I chose to leave the prayer room a little early in favor of having my breakdown at home. I figured that the people at IHOP have seen enough of my face with a runny nose, bloodshot eyes and flecks of tissue stuck to it. When I got home, I found lots of things to distract me for all of fifteen minutes – put the garbage by the curb for pickup, clean up my room a bit, floss. God caught my attention and let me know that He knew that I was procrastinating. So, I sat down beside my bed … and immediately He started to speak.
Now, lots of people ask me “How does God speak to you? How do you hear Him so clearly? How are you sure it’s Him??” My answer to all of those is, “I don’t know. It’s just always been like that.” Sorry. It’s the same in this case as well.
As I closed my eyes, I saw that familiar (and really good-looking) face look at me and extend His hand. I put mine in His and almost immediately I was taken back to my childhood home, just coming home from school and needing to go to the bathroom. (Those bus rides were ridiculously long for no reason at all!!) I walked past the two bedrooms on the left to get to the bathroom at the end of the hall. In doing this, I passed my parents’ room and saw them sitting on the bed, crying. I’d never seen my dad cry before, and I remember that although I wanted to know what was going on I knew better than to interrupt the grown-ups (since my parents were of that whole era where they believed that children should be seen and not heard and had no part in serious “adult” conversation). So, I hung around their bedroom door, just out of sight … and I heard them talking about my oldest sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. She was twenty-five at the time. I was nine.
Now, as a nine year old I had no clue that life as I knew it was about to be forever changed. I just assumed that the whole business would be taken care of and things would continue on as they had been. But, as you can guess, that’s not what happened.
So next, God fast-forwarded about five years in time. I saw myself at fourteen, sitting in my closet in the dark, crying and rocking myself back and forth. This was the day I found out that my sister wasn’t coming home because she’d died in the hospital. I assumed that this visit to the ER would be like every other since her relapse … she’d be there a couple days, get treatment, then come home and I’d take care of her.
As I remembered this picture, so many thoughts came back to me from that time … I should’ve taken better care of her - it’s my fault that she’s gone and everyone’s going to blame me … God took the wrong one – He should’ve taken me and left her … I never got to say goodbye. I have to admit that the stupid things that people say at funerals to the family didn’t help the matter much. By the time that rolled around, my parents and siblings were so wrapped up in their own grief that they didn’t notice that I wasn’t dealing with mine well. (And this is not an indictment against my family … who innately knows how to grieve the loss of a loved one? They were as unprepared as I was.)
Over the years I’ve eventually grown to understand that God ending her suffering and answering her cry to let it be done was His goodness. That goodness, however, was overshadowed by immense pain and loss on my side. You have to understand – Wendy was like a second mom to me. She was sixteen years older than I was, had traveled the world with the military, was a fun/life of the party type person who’d never met a stranger, who laughed loud and had a personality I could identify with … not to mention the fact that she was the only one in my family that took the time to really know who I was as a person. She was the only one who knew that I loved peach pie and not apple, didn’t mind that I played with Barbies until I was thirteen and let me bake and decorate cakes with her. She bought me fun stuff, not just things I needed for school. She let me watch cartoons and took us (her kids and me) to the swimming pool. She cooked foods that were different (not just Trini) and wasn’t afraid of physical affection. Life with her was a direct contrast to what I had when I went home to be tortured by my two “adult” brothers (who were in their late teens, early twenties at the time).
So, today God showed me that although I’d “gotten over” her death, I’ve never truly mourned the loss. I’d cried, I’d asked the question why, been angry, and eventually come to terms with the fact that He took my sister home to be with Him, but I’d never really mourned the loss of her life and friendship. And he showed me that this is where bitterness towards Him came in.
It’s a common story, really. I was blindsided by her death, angry that the God who could’ve done something, didn’t. In this, the idea of a God who “can” move but “doesn’t” was born. You have to understand – I’ve never doubted His ability … only His willingness, and ultimately His heart of “love” for us. I can hear the accusation of my heart even now – what kind of loving Father can move on behalf of His child, but doesn’t? This question has overshadowed just about every aspect of my life. It has also been the driving force of the performance-driven nature of my relationship with Him up to this point … the drive to obedience, so that maybe, just maybe I’ll feel better about myself and perhaps win His favor and He’ll move on my behalf.
So this is where we are. Even as I read this it sounds like I’m just a spoiled brat who is upset with God because I didn’t get my way (which is how I’ve heard myself described when I’ve explained this in the past … not very helpful). As I sit here writing this out, though, He’s had to remind me that what He sees is more the fourteen year old in her closet, trying not to draw attention to herself by banging her head against the wall to make the pain in her chest stop than the eighteen year old who didn’t get the truck she wanted from her parents.
Today He’s also showed me that:
• there was nothing I could’ve done (right or wrong) to save her. Healing is His work, not mine.
• there is no such thing as a perfect world … and I can’t create one no matter how hard I try.
• no amount of good behavior or extreme obedience will change the fact that my life is in His hands.
• I have a great family.
• no matter how much I want Him to move in a situation, His timing is what will be (and it’s perfect).
• no matter how much I’m hurting, He still loves.
• no matter how caged in I feel, He still loves.
• no matter how disappointed I am, He still loves.
• no matter how much His goodness is overshadowed by pain in my life, He still loves.
• even if this ache in my chest never goes away, He still loves.
• if someone that I love dies tomorrow, He still loves.
• if the only work I can find is at Target, He still loves.
• even when disappointment creeps in with regard to how He created me, He still loves.
• when I’m angry or disappointed, He still loves.
• if none of the words of pictures He’s given me over the last year come to pass, He still loves.
• if people look at my lfie and think, “Man, what a waste! She should be doing xyz!”, He still loves.
• even when I feel like I’m missing the point (and don’t feel His love and don’t know how to receive it), He still loves.
What do you say when God says to you that He wants to expose the root of the inability to move past disappointment and bring healing that leads to freedom? My response … “Um, how painful is that gonna be, God, and do we have to do it in public?”
Of course I said okay. What else am I going to say? This dull ache in my chest and constant overshadowing of doom and gloom in my life is getting old. I realize that part of this is my personality … all of the Psych literature says that one of the biggest issues for people with my type is inability to deal with disappointment in a healthy way … we internalize it and it either goes the route of anger or depression. Anger was my outlet during my teen years. Depression won out in the end as the years wore on and the anger brought on consequences and comments like, “You have no right to be angry about anything” from my family. Besides, depression was easier to hide … so it won.
Just so you know, I chose to leave the prayer room a little early in favor of having my breakdown at home. I figured that the people at IHOP have seen enough of my face with a runny nose, bloodshot eyes and flecks of tissue stuck to it. When I got home, I found lots of things to distract me for all of fifteen minutes – put the garbage by the curb for pickup, clean up my room a bit, floss. God caught my attention and let me know that He knew that I was procrastinating. So, I sat down beside my bed … and immediately He started to speak.
Now, lots of people ask me “How does God speak to you? How do you hear Him so clearly? How are you sure it’s Him??” My answer to all of those is, “I don’t know. It’s just always been like that.” Sorry. It’s the same in this case as well.
As I closed my eyes, I saw that familiar (and really good-looking) face look at me and extend His hand. I put mine in His and almost immediately I was taken back to my childhood home, just coming home from school and needing to go to the bathroom. (Those bus rides were ridiculously long for no reason at all!!) I walked past the two bedrooms on the left to get to the bathroom at the end of the hall. In doing this, I passed my parents’ room and saw them sitting on the bed, crying. I’d never seen my dad cry before, and I remember that although I wanted to know what was going on I knew better than to interrupt the grown-ups (since my parents were of that whole era where they believed that children should be seen and not heard and had no part in serious “adult” conversation). So, I hung around their bedroom door, just out of sight … and I heard them talking about my oldest sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. She was twenty-five at the time. I was nine.
Now, as a nine year old I had no clue that life as I knew it was about to be forever changed. I just assumed that the whole business would be taken care of and things would continue on as they had been. But, as you can guess, that’s not what happened.
So next, God fast-forwarded about five years in time. I saw myself at fourteen, sitting in my closet in the dark, crying and rocking myself back and forth. This was the day I found out that my sister wasn’t coming home because she’d died in the hospital. I assumed that this visit to the ER would be like every other since her relapse … she’d be there a couple days, get treatment, then come home and I’d take care of her.
As I remembered this picture, so many thoughts came back to me from that time … I should’ve taken better care of her - it’s my fault that she’s gone and everyone’s going to blame me … God took the wrong one – He should’ve taken me and left her … I never got to say goodbye. I have to admit that the stupid things that people say at funerals to the family didn’t help the matter much. By the time that rolled around, my parents and siblings were so wrapped up in their own grief that they didn’t notice that I wasn’t dealing with mine well. (And this is not an indictment against my family … who innately knows how to grieve the loss of a loved one? They were as unprepared as I was.)
Over the years I’ve eventually grown to understand that God ending her suffering and answering her cry to let it be done was His goodness. That goodness, however, was overshadowed by immense pain and loss on my side. You have to understand – Wendy was like a second mom to me. She was sixteen years older than I was, had traveled the world with the military, was a fun/life of the party type person who’d never met a stranger, who laughed loud and had a personality I could identify with … not to mention the fact that she was the only one in my family that took the time to really know who I was as a person. She was the only one who knew that I loved peach pie and not apple, didn’t mind that I played with Barbies until I was thirteen and let me bake and decorate cakes with her. She bought me fun stuff, not just things I needed for school. She let me watch cartoons and took us (her kids and me) to the swimming pool. She cooked foods that were different (not just Trini) and wasn’t afraid of physical affection. Life with her was a direct contrast to what I had when I went home to be tortured by my two “adult” brothers (who were in their late teens, early twenties at the time).
So, today God showed me that although I’d “gotten over” her death, I’ve never truly mourned the loss. I’d cried, I’d asked the question why, been angry, and eventually come to terms with the fact that He took my sister home to be with Him, but I’d never really mourned the loss of her life and friendship. And he showed me that this is where bitterness towards Him came in.
It’s a common story, really. I was blindsided by her death, angry that the God who could’ve done something, didn’t. In this, the idea of a God who “can” move but “doesn’t” was born. You have to understand – I’ve never doubted His ability … only His willingness, and ultimately His heart of “love” for us. I can hear the accusation of my heart even now – what kind of loving Father can move on behalf of His child, but doesn’t? This question has overshadowed just about every aspect of my life. It has also been the driving force of the performance-driven nature of my relationship with Him up to this point … the drive to obedience, so that maybe, just maybe I’ll feel better about myself and perhaps win His favor and He’ll move on my behalf.
So this is where we are. Even as I read this it sounds like I’m just a spoiled brat who is upset with God because I didn’t get my way (which is how I’ve heard myself described when I’ve explained this in the past … not very helpful). As I sit here writing this out, though, He’s had to remind me that what He sees is more the fourteen year old in her closet, trying not to draw attention to herself by banging her head against the wall to make the pain in her chest stop than the eighteen year old who didn’t get the truck she wanted from her parents.
Today He’s also showed me that:
• there was nothing I could’ve done (right or wrong) to save her. Healing is His work, not mine.
• there is no such thing as a perfect world … and I can’t create one no matter how hard I try.
• no amount of good behavior or extreme obedience will change the fact that my life is in His hands.
• I have a great family.
• no matter how much I want Him to move in a situation, His timing is what will be (and it’s perfect).
• no matter how much I’m hurting, He still loves.
• no matter how caged in I feel, He still loves.
• no matter how disappointed I am, He still loves.
• no matter how much His goodness is overshadowed by pain in my life, He still loves.
• even if this ache in my chest never goes away, He still loves.
• if someone that I love dies tomorrow, He still loves.
• if the only work I can find is at Target, He still loves.
• even when disappointment creeps in with regard to how He created me, He still loves.
• when I’m angry or disappointed, He still loves.
• if none of the words of pictures He’s given me over the last year come to pass, He still loves.
• if people look at my lfie and think, “Man, what a waste! She should be doing xyz!”, He still loves.
• even when I feel like I’m missing the point (and don’t feel His love and don’t know how to receive it), He still loves.
Monday
Leave it to John Thurlow to make me cry. I'm beginning to wonder why I like his set so much because between him and Justin Rizzo, I’m bound to start bawling like a baby when they start singing.
This morning it started because he sang a chorus that said “it’s gonna be worth it in the end”. Seriously. All I could think is that this light and momentary affliction – this discomfort, heartache, sense of being lost and disconnected from everything familiar to me, including any “normalcy” in my walk with the Lord – is going to be worth it in the end. I have to believe that He’s working something out of or into me that required this particular process. In the midst of the work I never understand it, but hindsight has always been at last 20/20. So, this is my hope.
I’m still not sure what to do with the whole disappointment issue ... or how to move beyond my seeming inability to receive His unfailing love. Or what to do when my heart says love disappoints but His word says “love never fails”. Or how I’m supposed to keep believing for the things He’s spoken over the last year in regards to destiny and the future. Or even what I'm supposed to do with the pictures He gave me last week. There should be an easy answer, but my blind belief/heart override button seems to be malfunctioning at the moment. It makes so much sense that I struggle internally as I do in regards to scriptures like Psalm 37:4 ("Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."). It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus can raise the dead than to believe this one in my life (and consequently in the lives of others).
I can’t seem to move beyond this constant, dull ache in my chest. It really does feel like the illusion is shattered and exposed and my heart is broken. It took sheer willpower for me to sing those words this morning. I only managed it a couple times. For me, singing is tricky … because I really try to be careful that I’m not hypocritical in the midst of it, singing something that I don’t mean in worship to the Lord. This morning I felt like I was coaching myself, kind of like when I’m on a run and I have to convince myself to run that little last bit with the same energy that I’d been using for the last ½ mile. Running seems easier ... probably because you know that the burn and breathlessness will come to an end after you've walked a few feet.
So, this is how I’m starting the week. It’ll be interesting to see where we are on Friday.
This morning it started because he sang a chorus that said “it’s gonna be worth it in the end”. Seriously. All I could think is that this light and momentary affliction – this discomfort, heartache, sense of being lost and disconnected from everything familiar to me, including any “normalcy” in my walk with the Lord – is going to be worth it in the end. I have to believe that He’s working something out of or into me that required this particular process. In the midst of the work I never understand it, but hindsight has always been at last 20/20. So, this is my hope.
I’m still not sure what to do with the whole disappointment issue ... or how to move beyond my seeming inability to receive His unfailing love. Or what to do when my heart says love disappoints but His word says “love never fails”. Or how I’m supposed to keep believing for the things He’s spoken over the last year in regards to destiny and the future. Or even what I'm supposed to do with the pictures He gave me last week. There should be an easy answer, but my blind belief/heart override button seems to be malfunctioning at the moment. It makes so much sense that I struggle internally as I do in regards to scriptures like Psalm 37:4 ("Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."). It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus can raise the dead than to believe this one in my life (and consequently in the lives of others).
I can’t seem to move beyond this constant, dull ache in my chest. It really does feel like the illusion is shattered and exposed and my heart is broken. It took sheer willpower for me to sing those words this morning. I only managed it a couple times. For me, singing is tricky … because I really try to be careful that I’m not hypocritical in the midst of it, singing something that I don’t mean in worship to the Lord. This morning I felt like I was coaching myself, kind of like when I’m on a run and I have to convince myself to run that little last bit with the same energy that I’d been using for the last ½ mile. Running seems easier ... probably because you know that the burn and breathlessness will come to an end after you've walked a few feet.
So, this is how I’m starting the week. It’ll be interesting to see where we are on Friday.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Rest
To say that it's been an emotional week is an understatement. I spent most of yesterday at home (with the exception of a run late in the afternoon), mostly because whenever I go anywhere I tend to spend money ... which I don't have. So, in order to reign in the spending and rampant consumerism that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, I chose to stay home. I was pretty much bored out of my mind most of the day.
One diversion that I've come to love and adore is the internet. There's so much to be explored on this information highway. I've spent the good part of the last two days on hair forums and natural websites, scouring articles and blogs on how to take care of my hair in its natural state. (For those who don't know this, I've stopped relaxing my hair and am trasitioning to wearing my natural napps - walking in freedom and the original beauty God gave me!) There are some seriously crazy sistas on these sites, and people feel the freedom to share some of the most interesting things under the guise of anonymity. I came away from this with a list of products to try and those to stay away from, as well as tips on how to (not) wash and comb my hair, pitfalls, opinions and a sense that my own hair journey was going to be all right.
You can only do this for so long, though. So, I moved on to Youtube for hair tutorials ... and got roped into the Old Spice commercials with the "man your man could smell like". Oh. My. Word. I haven't laughed so much in weeks!!! Besides the fact that Mr. Isaiah Mustafa is a GORGEOUS man in a towel, these commercials are a stroke of advertizing genius (because seriously, who really paid attention to Old Spice outside of old men before now???), the sheer ridiculousness of this guy's logic and sentence structure is amazing!! My favorite line has to be "The tickets are now diamonds!!"
So, in spite of the fact that I've been trying to watch a movie for diversion for over a week now but have been too distracted to do so, I've managed to find rest and respite in laughter thanks to the crazy people on hair forums and the Old Spice guy.
Love it.
One diversion that I've come to love and adore is the internet. There's so much to be explored on this information highway. I've spent the good part of the last two days on hair forums and natural websites, scouring articles and blogs on how to take care of my hair in its natural state. (For those who don't know this, I've stopped relaxing my hair and am trasitioning to wearing my natural napps - walking in freedom and the original beauty God gave me!) There are some seriously crazy sistas on these sites, and people feel the freedom to share some of the most interesting things under the guise of anonymity. I came away from this with a list of products to try and those to stay away from, as well as tips on how to (not) wash and comb my hair, pitfalls, opinions and a sense that my own hair journey was going to be all right.
You can only do this for so long, though. So, I moved on to Youtube for hair tutorials ... and got roped into the Old Spice commercials with the "man your man could smell like". Oh. My. Word. I haven't laughed so much in weeks!!! Besides the fact that Mr. Isaiah Mustafa is a GORGEOUS man in a towel, these commercials are a stroke of advertizing genius (because seriously, who really paid attention to Old Spice outside of old men before now???), the sheer ridiculousness of this guy's logic and sentence structure is amazing!! My favorite line has to be "The tickets are now diamonds!!"
So, in spite of the fact that I've been trying to watch a movie for diversion for over a week now but have been too distracted to do so, I've managed to find rest and respite in laughter thanks to the crazy people on hair forums and the Old Spice guy.
Love it.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
stripped
Is it strange that I'm 34 years old and have never had a broken heart? Well, not the kind that comes from a guy walking away, anyway.
While I was in the prayer room today I was having yet another emotional moment before the Lord, crying out to Him to move in a particular area of my life. In the midst of it I had the most intense chest pain followed by a deep sense of loss and what felt like a void open up inside my chest. It felt like a vacuum came in and sucked all of the air out of me at once and it was trying to suck my heart out with it. All I could think was, "is this what it feels like to have your heart break? Crap, this hurts!"
This was today's experience in the Prayer Room. To say that I'm tired of crying every day is an understatement. I've never considered myself an emotional wreck, but I've come to realize that I am one. Just this week alone I've had to admit that I held bitterness towards God in my heart. I've realized that I expect to be disappointed in life and while I can usually rally myself to hope on some level, I'm plagued with doubt at every turn. I'm not sure that I know how to receive love. All of these things make hoping for things and trusting in the goodness of my God just a bit unlikely. I won't even mention being "surrounded by His unfailing love".
This is the season I'm in. This is the work He's doing. And in the midst of it all, I feel so tattered and torn (not to mention wasted, aimless and caged in). I realize that onlookers may watch during this season and be inspired or amazed at all God's doing ... I just feel stripped naked.
While I was in the prayer room today I was having yet another emotional moment before the Lord, crying out to Him to move in a particular area of my life. In the midst of it I had the most intense chest pain followed by a deep sense of loss and what felt like a void open up inside my chest. It felt like a vacuum came in and sucked all of the air out of me at once and it was trying to suck my heart out with it. All I could think was, "is this what it feels like to have your heart break? Crap, this hurts!"
This was today's experience in the Prayer Room. To say that I'm tired of crying every day is an understatement. I've never considered myself an emotional wreck, but I've come to realize that I am one. Just this week alone I've had to admit that I held bitterness towards God in my heart. I've realized that I expect to be disappointed in life and while I can usually rally myself to hope on some level, I'm plagued with doubt at every turn. I'm not sure that I know how to receive love. All of these things make hoping for things and trusting in the goodness of my God just a bit unlikely. I won't even mention being "surrounded by His unfailing love".
This is the season I'm in. This is the work He's doing. And in the midst of it all, I feel so tattered and torn (not to mention wasted, aimless and caged in). I realize that onlookers may watch during this season and be inspired or amazed at all God's doing ... I just feel stripped naked.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
?
I've come to the point in my life where I'm going to stop trying to figure out why people make the decisions they do. Well, since I still have a great interest in Psychology, I probably won't stop, but I am able to admit that I really don't understand the stupid things people do (and justify to themselves).
Ok! School. It looks like I got into the Communications school and am going to be enrolling in 12 hours of classes (assuming I can find a way to pay for them). I'm trying not to think about the fact that if I complete another bachelors degree it will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000. I need financial aid in a big way.
This doesn't factor in my Masters, for which there is little financial aid. Oi.
God, I can't even begin to say that I know what you're doing in regards to this new direction. I'm sitting in this city, at a loss for what to do in regards to acquiring a job that would enable me to pay my bills. Every resume I've put out there has brought in no response. Even the old doors aren't opening.
Oddly enough, I'm not stressed. My family has kicked into high gear to help while I figure out what in the world is going on. And, the more reports Iread about the economy and prospects for recent college grads, the more I realize that I am in good (and plentiful) company. I find myself wishing that I could move overseas again to escape the dead end that seems to be ever-approaching within the American job market.
Ah, but I will not be discouraged. God's got something planned. I just have to wait, watch, pray and move when He says it's time to go.
Lord, come quickly.
Ok! School. It looks like I got into the Communications school and am going to be enrolling in 12 hours of classes (assuming I can find a way to pay for them). I'm trying not to think about the fact that if I complete another bachelors degree it will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000. I need financial aid in a big way.
This doesn't factor in my Masters, for which there is little financial aid. Oi.
God, I can't even begin to say that I know what you're doing in regards to this new direction. I'm sitting in this city, at a loss for what to do in regards to acquiring a job that would enable me to pay my bills. Every resume I've put out there has brought in no response. Even the old doors aren't opening.
Oddly enough, I'm not stressed. My family has kicked into high gear to help while I figure out what in the world is going on. And, the more reports Iread about the economy and prospects for recent college grads, the more I realize that I am in good (and plentiful) company. I find myself wishing that I could move overseas again to escape the dead end that seems to be ever-approaching within the American job market.
Ah, but I will not be discouraged. God's got something planned. I just have to wait, watch, pray and move when He says it's time to go.
Lord, come quickly.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Personality
I've always had this secret fascination with personality theories. In college, I would profile my friends according to whether or not they were choleric, melancholy, phlegmatic or sanguine. It's pretty easy for me to spot those. Then I moved on to Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram, and just about anything else I could find.
With the Myers-Briggs I was never really satisfied with the results I got. There were always big, glaring inconsistencies with my character and what I believed my personality to be. To some degree it had to do with what God was doing in my life when I took the test ... for instance, while living in South Africa I would score really high on the "judging" scale. Sometimes it was based on the person I was trying to become rather than the person I was when I took the test.
A few days ago, while praying, God dropped into my spirit what my personality type was under the Myers-Briggs system and confirmed that in the Enneagram, I am definitely a One. Since then, I've done research on the internet and gone to the library and copied some Psych textbooks on the subject.
It's so interesting to me to read this and catch glimpses of myself in black ink on white paper. There are so many things that I didn't realize could be explained simply because that is the way God created me to be - the desire to know and understand my true identity, my disinterest in shallow relationships, why people say I could be a diplomat/peacemaker, the high value I place on self-sacrifice and selflessness ... the list goes on and on.
And yet, there are things that God's placed in me that are unique and don't fit the mold. I don't fit in the neat little boxes Psychologists have come up with the try and explain who I am and why I do what I do. While I desire to know myself and walk in the fullness of who God created me to be, I know that the source of that information and freedom can only come from one place - God Himself.
With the Myers-Briggs I was never really satisfied with the results I got. There were always big, glaring inconsistencies with my character and what I believed my personality to be. To some degree it had to do with what God was doing in my life when I took the test ... for instance, while living in South Africa I would score really high on the "judging" scale. Sometimes it was based on the person I was trying to become rather than the person I was when I took the test.
A few days ago, while praying, God dropped into my spirit what my personality type was under the Myers-Briggs system and confirmed that in the Enneagram, I am definitely a One. Since then, I've done research on the internet and gone to the library and copied some Psych textbooks on the subject.
It's so interesting to me to read this and catch glimpses of myself in black ink on white paper. There are so many things that I didn't realize could be explained simply because that is the way God created me to be - the desire to know and understand my true identity, my disinterest in shallow relationships, why people say I could be a diplomat/peacemaker, the high value I place on self-sacrifice and selflessness ... the list goes on and on.
And yet, there are things that God's placed in me that are unique and don't fit the mold. I don't fit in the neat little boxes Psychologists have come up with the try and explain who I am and why I do what I do. While I desire to know myself and walk in the fullness of who God created me to be, I know that the source of that information and freedom can only come from one place - God Himself.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Changes
Ahhhh ... so much going on since the move.
I don't even remember if I've written about God showing me what to study and where. Well, Journalism is the "what" and the University of Missouri is the "where". Not sure about which grad program I'm going for (there are three that have caught my attention, all in the midwest). We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Basically, I'm going for another undergrad degree to build a better foundation for grad school. The idea of tackling grad courses in a field that is completely foreign to me brought on way too much anxiety and stress ... well, that and the thought of taking the GRE in two weeks to try and meet application deadlines. :o)
I've been told that I will need to take an additional 36 hours to get a B.A. That's only three semesters, if I can time it right and not get tangled in pre-requisites. Not bad!
So, now we just need to get in (no doubts there) and hope that God provides the money to pay for it (some doubts there). I know He's done it before, I'm just looking at it from the human perspective of I've-missed-every-scholarship-deadline-and-there's-no-money. We'll see how God moves.
I don't even remember if I've written about God showing me what to study and where. Well, Journalism is the "what" and the University of Missouri is the "where". Not sure about which grad program I'm going for (there are three that have caught my attention, all in the midwest). We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Basically, I'm going for another undergrad degree to build a better foundation for grad school. The idea of tackling grad courses in a field that is completely foreign to me brought on way too much anxiety and stress ... well, that and the thought of taking the GRE in two weeks to try and meet application deadlines. :o)
I've been told that I will need to take an additional 36 hours to get a B.A. That's only three semesters, if I can time it right and not get tangled in pre-requisites. Not bad!
So, now we just need to get in (no doubts there) and hope that God provides the money to pay for it (some doubts there). I know He's done it before, I'm just looking at it from the human perspective of I've-missed-every-scholarship-deadline-and-there's-no-money. We'll see how God moves.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Plans
I am constantly amazed at how there is nothing random about God. From the people that I come across on this journey called life, to the directions He gives … there is nothing that isn’t premeditated on His part.
I really feel that He’s calling me to study Journalism. I was looking for a program that’s pretty internationally focused, has an option to study abroad, and is nationally recognized. He brought me to Kansas City, MO knowing the big picture … the University of Missouri (Columbia) has one of the top-ranked Journalism grad programs in the U.S.
Before I left South Africa, I had a feeling I’d be doing something with campus ministry again … and now He’s sending me back to school. This morning in the prayer room, there were prayers being offered up for two full hours for campuses and campus ministry. I met a guy from Colorado who asked me if I was in university here, and prayed that I would be shown where to cultivate relationship on whichever campus I ended up.
Let me say it again: there is nothing random with our God. He opens doors no man can shut, and closes doors no man can open.
Amazing.
I really feel that He’s calling me to study Journalism. I was looking for a program that’s pretty internationally focused, has an option to study abroad, and is nationally recognized. He brought me to Kansas City, MO knowing the big picture … the University of Missouri (Columbia) has one of the top-ranked Journalism grad programs in the U.S.
Before I left South Africa, I had a feeling I’d be doing something with campus ministry again … and now He’s sending me back to school. This morning in the prayer room, there were prayers being offered up for two full hours for campuses and campus ministry. I met a guy from Colorado who asked me if I was in university here, and prayed that I would be shown where to cultivate relationship on whichever campus I ended up.
Let me say it again: there is nothing random with our God. He opens doors no man can shut, and closes doors no man can open.
Amazing.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
K.C., MO
I was just thinking back, wondering when my last update was ... I'm pretty sure it was a while ago.
I've made the move to Kansas City, am living near IHOP and looking forward to time away with the Lord. I was only a few hours into my journey when He had me bawling like a little baby, overwhelmed by His love and provision for me. I truly am blessed.
I spent most of today getting my living space in order. I was blessed with a queen sized bed, nightstand and huge dresser. I've got a large closet that holds more clothes than I currently own (so half of it is empty). I need a job to pay my future bills, but God knows that ... I'm setting aside time to meet with Him in the prayer room tomorrow to seek Him out and gain some strategy for the things He's spoken to my heart.
I live in a house with amazing women, sense Him at work in our midst, love the location I'm in and am looking forward to exploring the city I call home for however long He lets me stay.
Life is good. :o)
I've made the move to Kansas City, am living near IHOP and looking forward to time away with the Lord. I was only a few hours into my journey when He had me bawling like a little baby, overwhelmed by His love and provision for me. I truly am blessed.
I spent most of today getting my living space in order. I was blessed with a queen sized bed, nightstand and huge dresser. I've got a large closet that holds more clothes than I currently own (so half of it is empty). I need a job to pay my future bills, but God knows that ... I'm setting aside time to meet with Him in the prayer room tomorrow to seek Him out and gain some strategy for the things He's spoken to my heart.
I live in a house with amazing women, sense Him at work in our midst, love the location I'm in and am looking forward to exploring the city I call home for however long He lets me stay.
Life is good. :o)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Thanks, Luke ...
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been so convicted when I go to church lately. I think that Pastor Brett’s teachings on “Expand” have been reaching into my chest and shining light on some of my dirty little secrets. Seems to me that God’s calling His church to walk closer with Him, to let go of the junk that holds us back and allow Him to truly reign in our hearts.
This week it was all about Luke 6 and love. He spoke being generous with our possessions (since it all belongs to God anyway), showing mercy when it’s undeserved and forgiving when it’s not easy. The bit about showing mercy when it’s undeserved really caused a bit of a hiccup in my heart. In the midst of his teaching, God made clear to me a bit of direction that I’ve been stuffing … I thought it surely couldn’t be Him because it didn’t make sense.
You see, back at IHOP a few weeks ago He really highlighted a passion to work with women (especially) and children caught in human trafficking. I’ve always had a passion for seeing women walk in wholeness, so it didn’t surprise me too much. I’ve gotten words that talked about my walking with people through really difficult circumstances. I knew that God hadn’t poured all He’s placed in me for no reason. Working with victims of an industry that feeds off of sin – greed, perversion, immorality – and circumstance – poverty, illness, control. I get it.
But, there’s also something in the back of my mind that says if there was no demand for child prostitutes, slave labor and brothels … the problem wouldn’t be as large as it is. If you could deal with the issue at the source, how would that affect the lives of women and children that are victimized by human trafficking. Surely God wouldn’t ask me to work with the perpetrators of the whole industry?
Then I remembered – when has God ever asked me to do anything easy.
So, Pastor Brett’s teaching this morning was a reminder. Have mercy. I don’t know about you, but my gut reaction to thinking about sitting across a table from a guy who has sold hundred of little girls to brothels isn’t to “have mercy” and try to turn him back to a relationship with God. I want to taser him until he has a heart attack.
This is where God’s dealing with me. What makes his sin any different from my own? Jesus said that if I look at someone and covet them in my heart, it’s the same as committing adultery (sorry Mrs. Damon). It breaks the heart of God just the same … even more, since he may not know better. His disconnectedness from the love of the Father drives him to bring pain to countless others. If I can play a part in God’s capturing that guy’s heart … talk about a changed life. How about a changed neighborhood? A changed city? A changed nation?
Or how about the guy that flies overseas to solicit young girls in Asia? Or the women who fly to African countries to pick up boy toys? Or the guys who hire women off the streets in Vegas? Where does mercy stop for them?
I remember this quote I read in a book talking about the greatness of pain and suffering in South Africa called Hope in the Dark:
As I dragged my feet along the gravel with my head down, I found myself asking, “Why, God?” He told me “Broken world, Daughter. Sin is real … know and repent of your own, and then seek justice and love for My children. Do not lose hope, my child. Be an agent of mercy.”
Guess I knew what He called me to even back then. I just didn’t realize that it extended not only to victims, but to those who are inflicting pain as well.
God help me. No wonder I need to come away with You for a season. I can’t make this shift on my own, mostly because my definition of justice and Yours are two completely different things.
This week it was all about Luke 6 and love. He spoke being generous with our possessions (since it all belongs to God anyway), showing mercy when it’s undeserved and forgiving when it’s not easy. The bit about showing mercy when it’s undeserved really caused a bit of a hiccup in my heart. In the midst of his teaching, God made clear to me a bit of direction that I’ve been stuffing … I thought it surely couldn’t be Him because it didn’t make sense.
You see, back at IHOP a few weeks ago He really highlighted a passion to work with women (especially) and children caught in human trafficking. I’ve always had a passion for seeing women walk in wholeness, so it didn’t surprise me too much. I’ve gotten words that talked about my walking with people through really difficult circumstances. I knew that God hadn’t poured all He’s placed in me for no reason. Working with victims of an industry that feeds off of sin – greed, perversion, immorality – and circumstance – poverty, illness, control. I get it.
But, there’s also something in the back of my mind that says if there was no demand for child prostitutes, slave labor and brothels … the problem wouldn’t be as large as it is. If you could deal with the issue at the source, how would that affect the lives of women and children that are victimized by human trafficking. Surely God wouldn’t ask me to work with the perpetrators of the whole industry?
Then I remembered – when has God ever asked me to do anything easy.
So, Pastor Brett’s teaching this morning was a reminder. Have mercy. I don’t know about you, but my gut reaction to thinking about sitting across a table from a guy who has sold hundred of little girls to brothels isn’t to “have mercy” and try to turn him back to a relationship with God. I want to taser him until he has a heart attack.
This is where God’s dealing with me. What makes his sin any different from my own? Jesus said that if I look at someone and covet them in my heart, it’s the same as committing adultery (sorry Mrs. Damon). It breaks the heart of God just the same … even more, since he may not know better. His disconnectedness from the love of the Father drives him to bring pain to countless others. If I can play a part in God’s capturing that guy’s heart … talk about a changed life. How about a changed neighborhood? A changed city? A changed nation?
Or how about the guy that flies overseas to solicit young girls in Asia? Or the women who fly to African countries to pick up boy toys? Or the guys who hire women off the streets in Vegas? Where does mercy stop for them?
I remember this quote I read in a book talking about the greatness of pain and suffering in South Africa called Hope in the Dark:
As I dragged my feet along the gravel with my head down, I found myself asking, “Why, God?” He told me “Broken world, Daughter. Sin is real … know and repent of your own, and then seek justice and love for My children. Do not lose hope, my child. Be an agent of mercy.”
Guess I knew what He called me to even back then. I just didn’t realize that it extended not only to victims, but to those who are inflicting pain as well.
God help me. No wonder I need to come away with You for a season. I can’t make this shift on my own, mostly because my definition of justice and Yours are two completely different things.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Losing my mind
I left my laptop at my friend's house in PA. After that, I can't tell you the number of things I've misplaced or forgotten. Seriously, it feels like I'm losing my mind.
Outside of that, things are going well. I'm still learning about the love of my Father and His Son who pretty much paid my ransom in order to be in relationship with me. I am officially moving to Kansas City, MO for a season. Craziness, but I love it. I'm narrowing down a field of study for my Masters, which is kind of exciting. And, God's stirring up some new passions for me ... all in all, life is good.
Regarding KC, I'm moving in with some friends who are a group of young women that I got on really well with during my last visit to KC. My hope is that I find work right away so that I can afford to live there and eat. I want to take advantage of being near the prayer room so that I can "come away with" Jesus, as He's asked me to do. Anything else He does during this next season is icing on the cake at this point.
So, it looks like during the first week of June I'll pack up my stuff once again and drive the 16 hours over to Kansas City. Hopefully I'll be allowed to park there awhile!
Outside of that, things are going well. I'm still learning about the love of my Father and His Son who pretty much paid my ransom in order to be in relationship with me. I am officially moving to Kansas City, MO for a season. Craziness, but I love it. I'm narrowing down a field of study for my Masters, which is kind of exciting. And, God's stirring up some new passions for me ... all in all, life is good.
Regarding KC, I'm moving in with some friends who are a group of young women that I got on really well with during my last visit to KC. My hope is that I find work right away so that I can afford to live there and eat. I want to take advantage of being near the prayer room so that I can "come away with" Jesus, as He's asked me to do. Anything else He does during this next season is icing on the cake at this point.
So, it looks like during the first week of June I'll pack up my stuff once again and drive the 16 hours over to Kansas City. Hopefully I'll be allowed to park there awhile!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Is that really all?
I’m reading Passion for Jesus by Mike Bickle … it’s about cultivating an extravagant love for God. I thought it fitting since I’ve recently had this “crisis of faith”, realizing I don’t fully trust this God I serve, and that love and trust go hand in hand for me.
Somewhere in the middle of this book, Bickle starts talking about Song of Songs as a description of the love that exists between Christ and the church. I’ve been parked in Song of Songs the last couple weeks at the suggestion of one of my pastors here in VA. I have to say that Bickle’s interpretation opens up a whole new picture of the love of Christ for us through his writing.
He writes: “Yet she (the Shulamite bride) has ravished the heart of God with her sincere desire to obey Him. This is what happens to Jesus’ heart when we set our souls to fully follow Him at any cost.”
As I was reading this and couldn’t help remembering what a couple of people I’ve recently met have said about me. It went something like, “Your obedience to the Lord is not normal … not everyone hears and obeys.” It always sounds a bit strange to me because hearing and obeying has always been something I’ve just done in regards to my relationship with God. For me, it has so much more to do with respect for God and the commitment I made to follow Him than any feelings of love. To me, obedience does not equal love. It never has. It has always been a sign of respect to God and an honoring of the commitment I made to Him many years ago. Yet, God has said, “If you love me, obey my commands.” (Scrip 1;11)
According to Bickle, the bride’s desire to obey ravishes God’s heart. (Song of Songs 4:9)
I find myself wondering if it’s strange that I’ve reached the place in my walk with God that simply obeying isn’t enough. I’ve realized that I can be obedient and not be submissive – truly trusting God, buying into what He’s asking me to do 100%, believing that He has the best in store for me, because He loves me. Somehow, continuing to do this just doesn’t seem right in light of the fact that I’m learning just how much Christ loves me. I’ve obeyed in the past, trying to quench feelings of resentment and resignation. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
He loves me. I believe that now. Knowing that the God of the universe loves me … there’s so much room to trust. It also means that anything He asks me to do comes out of that place of love.
I want to get to the place where I choose to submit based on that love, and my heart response is obedience.
Somewhere in the middle of this book, Bickle starts talking about Song of Songs as a description of the love that exists between Christ and the church. I’ve been parked in Song of Songs the last couple weeks at the suggestion of one of my pastors here in VA. I have to say that Bickle’s interpretation opens up a whole new picture of the love of Christ for us through his writing.
He writes: “Yet she (the Shulamite bride) has ravished the heart of God with her sincere desire to obey Him. This is what happens to Jesus’ heart when we set our souls to fully follow Him at any cost.”
As I was reading this and couldn’t help remembering what a couple of people I’ve recently met have said about me. It went something like, “Your obedience to the Lord is not normal … not everyone hears and obeys.” It always sounds a bit strange to me because hearing and obeying has always been something I’ve just done in regards to my relationship with God. For me, it has so much more to do with respect for God and the commitment I made to follow Him than any feelings of love. To me, obedience does not equal love. It never has. It has always been a sign of respect to God and an honoring of the commitment I made to Him many years ago. Yet, God has said, “If you love me, obey my commands.” (Scrip 1;11)
According to Bickle, the bride’s desire to obey ravishes God’s heart. (Song of Songs 4:9)
I find myself wondering if it’s strange that I’ve reached the place in my walk with God that simply obeying isn’t enough. I’ve realized that I can be obedient and not be submissive – truly trusting God, buying into what He’s asking me to do 100%, believing that He has the best in store for me, because He loves me. Somehow, continuing to do this just doesn’t seem right in light of the fact that I’m learning just how much Christ loves me. I’ve obeyed in the past, trying to quench feelings of resentment and resignation. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
He loves me. I believe that now. Knowing that the God of the universe loves me … there’s so much room to trust. It also means that anything He asks me to do comes out of that place of love.
I want to get to the place where I choose to submit based on that love, and my heart response is obedience.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Change of heart
It's so interesting, being in a place of thinking about moving somewhere, all the while knowing that you're going to have to eventually move again.
Before, knowing that I'm moving to yet another place of transition would've driven me crazy. I know there are people out there who would love to live the life of adventure I'm living, moving from one place to another as God leads. I also know there are those who look at my life and wonder if I know what in the world I'm doing ... why can't she stay in one place?
The truth is I would love to. It doesn't seem to be in the plan for now, though. I feel like God's said "It is finished" regarding what He wanted to accomplish here in Virginia. I'm seriously considering moving to Missouri to dig deeper with Him, work and pursue grad school. There's a ministry focused on bringing restoration to women and children coming out of sex trafficking that I'm investigating.
And yet, I know that Kansas City won't be home for long. Maybe a year. Two if I'm lucky. Then the adventure will continue somewhere else. Another step on the journey.
I love how this would've made me really sad (and probably a bit angry) a few weeks ago. God knows the desire of my heart is to have a home and be able to welcome people into it. Now I look at it and am excited about the things I'll learn, people I'll come to know and love, and experience that will be gained. On top of that, I'll be taking advantage of this short life we've been given on this planet ... following Him wherever He leads.
It's as it should be.
Before, knowing that I'm moving to yet another place of transition would've driven me crazy. I know there are people out there who would love to live the life of adventure I'm living, moving from one place to another as God leads. I also know there are those who look at my life and wonder if I know what in the world I'm doing ... why can't she stay in one place?
The truth is I would love to. It doesn't seem to be in the plan for now, though. I feel like God's said "It is finished" regarding what He wanted to accomplish here in Virginia. I'm seriously considering moving to Missouri to dig deeper with Him, work and pursue grad school. There's a ministry focused on bringing restoration to women and children coming out of sex trafficking that I'm investigating.
And yet, I know that Kansas City won't be home for long. Maybe a year. Two if I'm lucky. Then the adventure will continue somewhere else. Another step on the journey.
I love how this would've made me really sad (and probably a bit angry) a few weeks ago. God knows the desire of my heart is to have a home and be able to welcome people into it. Now I look at it and am excited about the things I'll learn, people I'll come to know and love, and experience that will be gained. On top of that, I'll be taking advantage of this short life we've been given on this planet ... following Him wherever He leads.
It's as it should be.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Direction?
So, after my week in Kansas City I think I finally have some direction for my life. it actually came from a little pamphlet from IHOP, believe it or not. So random!
I already knew that love working with women ... especially in a discipleship/relational setting. Walking through this last season of darkness and doubting God's character has shown me that I've not been walking in all that He has for me and that He is, in fact, who His word says He is.
He's taking me a step deeper into the realm of working with women. There's a brokenness that's settled over His daughters that I want to speak into ... I'm actually interested in restoring women who are caught in the web of abuse and the sex trafficking industry to wholeness in Christ. Crazy sounding, I know. But when I finally put the pieces together, it made so much sense.
So, now I know that I need to have complete healing in regards to my heart's attitude towards him and that I really need to have a solid foundation in who I am in Christ. I can only lead someone somewhere that I've been! I know the transforming work of the heart is ultimately up to Him.
So, now I'm looking at where I can go to become rooted and grounded in His love and fully know just how beautiful He is. I'm not sure if that's here in VA, in KC or somewhere else. I'm also looking at online grad programs in psychology/counseling.
It's so wierd ... I feel like I've found my stream!
I already knew that love working with women ... especially in a discipleship/relational setting. Walking through this last season of darkness and doubting God's character has shown me that I've not been walking in all that He has for me and that He is, in fact, who His word says He is.
He's taking me a step deeper into the realm of working with women. There's a brokenness that's settled over His daughters that I want to speak into ... I'm actually interested in restoring women who are caught in the web of abuse and the sex trafficking industry to wholeness in Christ. Crazy sounding, I know. But when I finally put the pieces together, it made so much sense.
So, now I know that I need to have complete healing in regards to my heart's attitude towards him and that I really need to have a solid foundation in who I am in Christ. I can only lead someone somewhere that I've been! I know the transforming work of the heart is ultimately up to Him.
So, now I'm looking at where I can go to become rooted and grounded in His love and fully know just how beautiful He is. I'm not sure if that's here in VA, in KC or somewhere else. I'm also looking at online grad programs in psychology/counseling.
It's so wierd ... I feel like I've found my stream!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
IHOP
The week in Kansas City at IHOP was really good. Not at all what I expected, but it was really good. My main prayer was that God would give a deeper revelation of His love for me and that’s exactly what He did.
I spent most of the week reading and praying in the Prayer Room, where worship and prayer has been going on for 24 hours a day, seven days a week for over ten years. Pretty cool stuff. To say that the atmosphere in this place is different is an understatement. The base also has been having services through IHOPU in the evenings that are just bigger, louder, more active times of prayer and worship. It felt like being amongst family again.
If I could say one thing that came out of this week, it would be that I understand the love of my Father like I never have before. In some ways I feel cheated, because I’ve been a Christian for over 15 years and didn’t even have a glimmer of an inkling how much God loved me. Talk about incomplete revelation!
So, now comes the fun part (and I actually mean that!). I get to walk in this love and figure out what my response ought to be in light of it. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem that any sacrifice is too big, given that I know who I am, whose I am and the direction I’m headed.
Let the adventures begin!
I spent most of the week reading and praying in the Prayer Room, where worship and prayer has been going on for 24 hours a day, seven days a week for over ten years. Pretty cool stuff. To say that the atmosphere in this place is different is an understatement. The base also has been having services through IHOPU in the evenings that are just bigger, louder, more active times of prayer and worship. It felt like being amongst family again.
If I could say one thing that came out of this week, it would be that I understand the love of my Father like I never have before. In some ways I feel cheated, because I’ve been a Christian for over 15 years and didn’t even have a glimmer of an inkling how much God loved me. Talk about incomplete revelation!
So, now comes the fun part (and I actually mean that!). I get to walk in this love and figure out what my response ought to be in light of it. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem that any sacrifice is too big, given that I know who I am, whose I am and the direction I’m headed.
Let the adventures begin!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
New Perspective
I've had a bit of a shift in perspective that's brought some healing and clarity to my heart. Thanks God!
So, I was journaling the other day, begging God to move in my life when I realized that I've been living (and thinking, and feeling) like a servant. Kept in the dark. Unloved. Expendable. Locked in. Sometimes beaten into submission. Hurt. Etc., etc.
I somehow managed to completely forget that I'm a Daughter of the King ... His princess. I'm not sure when the disconnect happened, but it did.
Part of me believes that it had to come to the place it did because there were some fringe beliefs that He wanted to remove/heal once and for all. I can't take them into the coming season. For that reason, I'm okay with how bad things got. I'm back now and I've heard Him say, "Welcome home."
I went to a seminar at church today on Living a Life of Freedom and the pastor brought this up ... sums up the craziness I just walked through pretty well:
"It is often that lack of trust, incomplete revelation of God's love and His ensuing care over every aspect of our lives, that allows wrong thinking, wrong emotions, wrong actions and even wrong spirits to invade our lives."
So, now I'm heading to IHOP for a week because I want God to solidify what He's started and give me a DEEP revelation of His love for me. I don't want to be able to come to this place of doubting Him again.
And I'm thinking about buying a tiara so I don't forget who I am again. :o)
I'll write when I get back.
So, I was journaling the other day, begging God to move in my life when I realized that I've been living (and thinking, and feeling) like a servant. Kept in the dark. Unloved. Expendable. Locked in. Sometimes beaten into submission. Hurt. Etc., etc.
I somehow managed to completely forget that I'm a Daughter of the King ... His princess. I'm not sure when the disconnect happened, but it did.
Part of me believes that it had to come to the place it did because there were some fringe beliefs that He wanted to remove/heal once and for all. I can't take them into the coming season. For that reason, I'm okay with how bad things got. I'm back now and I've heard Him say, "Welcome home."
I went to a seminar at church today on Living a Life of Freedom and the pastor brought this up ... sums up the craziness I just walked through pretty well:
"It is often that lack of trust, incomplete revelation of God's love and His ensuing care over every aspect of our lives, that allows wrong thinking, wrong emotions, wrong actions and even wrong spirits to invade our lives."
So, now I'm heading to IHOP for a week because I want God to solidify what He's started and give me a DEEP revelation of His love for me. I don't want to be able to come to this place of doubting Him again.
And I'm thinking about buying a tiara so I don't forget who I am again. :o)
I'll write when I get back.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Faith
So, my faith is a bit crippled at the moment. I'm being told that I need a perspective change to get back on the right path again ... I seem to remember going around this mountain a time or two. It's getting kinda tiring.
I'm heading to IHOP (International House of Prayer) on Tuesday to set aside a week just to seek God's face and allow Him to do surgery. I'm tired of going around this mountain and really jus want breakthrough. Ive heard some pretty amazing things about IHOP, so I'm looking forward to it.
I may not write again until I get back.
I'm heading to IHOP (International House of Prayer) on Tuesday to set aside a week just to seek God's face and allow Him to do surgery. I'm tired of going around this mountain and really jus want breakthrough. Ive heard some pretty amazing things about IHOP, so I'm looking forward to it.
I may not write again until I get back.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Cherry Blossoms
So, I'm supposed to go into D.C. and take photos of the Japanese Cherry Blossoms in full bloom. The weather's perfect ... min-60s with a bit of a breeze. Lots of sunshine.
But I've got this aversion to driving into D.C. that's making even the prospect of getting some spectacular photos about as tempting as a dentist appointment.
I just don't wanna go.
So I'm not gonna.
(I know, I really should figure out what my aversion to the city is ... just not today.)
:o)
But I've got this aversion to driving into D.C. that's making even the prospect of getting some spectacular photos about as tempting as a dentist appointment.
I just don't wanna go.
So I'm not gonna.
(I know, I really should figure out what my aversion to the city is ... just not today.)
:o)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Donkey (because I don't that people will respond well to "jackass")
I pretty much love the church I’m going to.
This week has been a good but hard one … I’d resigned myself to the fact that God has this plan to prosper (and not harm) me, to give me a future and a hope, but that He’s said I have to wait. For what? I’m not sure. An open door, I’m guessing … probably for His timing ... or for all the pieces to be in place. And while I’m waiting, I’m to pursue relationship. Not job leads. Not interviews. Not a Masters degree in some unknown field. Not intermediate income. Relationship. Makes sense, right? Yeah, not to me either.
I also came face to face with the fact that my faith is pretty weak. I don’t wholeheartedly believe that He will do half the things I've heard Him say. I believe His will will be done, but I seriously doubt that I’ll be intact by the end of it. My desires are obviously not His desires. He isn’t really concerned with my comfort. Yet I’m compelled to follow Him.
This morning, Palm Sunday, Pastor Brett delivered what was the last installment of a series of messages on “Expanding the Kingdom”. He took this one from Mark 11:1-10, Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem.
In this passage, the people thought they were welcoming in a king that would rescue them from Roman rule … God did that, but not in the way that the people thought. He was coming to die for their sins, so that they could be in relationship with the Father.
Pastor Brett decided not to focus on the entry itself, but rather on the young colt that Jesus rode in on. It was unbroken (had never been ridden, and probably didn’t like the idea of having anything on its back), bound up (tied to a post, most likely) and far away from where He was. But Jesus had his disciples loose it from the place where it was tied up, brought it near and broke it in just in time to ride it in a parade welcoming His arrival into Jerusalem … that colt had no idea the plans that God had for it while it was tied up.
Something Pastor Brett said in the midst of his teaching stuck with me – “Jesus’ goal is to break you. He’s looking for unbroken people … He wants to ride you to places you didn’t even know you needed to go. Allow God to break you so you can become what He wants you to become. Invite Jesus to get on … you don’t know where you need to go. You want His destination, not your own.”
The fact that I don’t know where I’m going has never been more evident to me than it is in this place. I guess that explains this season a bit more ... I didn’t realize until this week just how much I still needed to be broken.
This week has been a good but hard one … I’d resigned myself to the fact that God has this plan to prosper (and not harm) me, to give me a future and a hope, but that He’s said I have to wait. For what? I’m not sure. An open door, I’m guessing … probably for His timing ... or for all the pieces to be in place. And while I’m waiting, I’m to pursue relationship. Not job leads. Not interviews. Not a Masters degree in some unknown field. Not intermediate income. Relationship. Makes sense, right? Yeah, not to me either.
I also came face to face with the fact that my faith is pretty weak. I don’t wholeheartedly believe that He will do half the things I've heard Him say. I believe His will will be done, but I seriously doubt that I’ll be intact by the end of it. My desires are obviously not His desires. He isn’t really concerned with my comfort. Yet I’m compelled to follow Him.
This morning, Palm Sunday, Pastor Brett delivered what was the last installment of a series of messages on “Expanding the Kingdom”. He took this one from Mark 11:1-10, Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem.
In this passage, the people thought they were welcoming in a king that would rescue them from Roman rule … God did that, but not in the way that the people thought. He was coming to die for their sins, so that they could be in relationship with the Father.
Pastor Brett decided not to focus on the entry itself, but rather on the young colt that Jesus rode in on. It was unbroken (had never been ridden, and probably didn’t like the idea of having anything on its back), bound up (tied to a post, most likely) and far away from where He was. But Jesus had his disciples loose it from the place where it was tied up, brought it near and broke it in just in time to ride it in a parade welcoming His arrival into Jerusalem … that colt had no idea the plans that God had for it while it was tied up.
Something Pastor Brett said in the midst of his teaching stuck with me – “Jesus’ goal is to break you. He’s looking for unbroken people … He wants to ride you to places you didn’t even know you needed to go. Allow God to break you so you can become what He wants you to become. Invite Jesus to get on … you don’t know where you need to go. You want His destination, not your own.”
The fact that I don’t know where I’m going has never been more evident to me than it is in this place. I guess that explains this season a bit more ... I didn’t realize until this week just how much I still needed to be broken.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I don't know where to start ...
I went to the Job Club last night and the topic was about improving your resume. Everything that was said made sense, but as I sit and look at what I’ve done over the last ten years of my life I have no idea where to start.
The format I’d been using seems to be obsolete. There’s no need to put on there that I graduated Summa Cum Laude in 2000. Or what my BBA concentration was. I’m supposed to use words like “expertise”, and explain how I single-handedly improved my past employer’s establishments. There’s something called “Core Competencies” that I’m supposed to list, but I have no idea what those are for someone that’s been a missionary for the last seven years. I’m not even bothering to add “Professional Accomplishments” because I can’t think of any. I’m supposed to sell myself, but I don’t want to … I just want God to open a door so that I can walk through it and impact the lives of the people I work with and serve.
I was sitting in that room last night at church, looking over the resumes of the other people in the club who have been in their industries for 10+ years who can list all kinds of things that employers may be looking for … wondering how I’m supposed to word what God’s done through this missionary life I’ve led. Most people assume that I have some sort of edge because I’m globally minded, have lived and served abroad, and adapted to a life and culture not my own. I’m not so sure.
It would be so easy to just buy a plane ticket to Argentina right now, and say that I’m going to spend a year becoming fluent in Spanish.
But, I continue to wait. God said this was the next step … that He was going to open a door that no man can shut … that the place that He causes me to walk in will make all of the experiences I’ve had (SCI, YWAM, Africa, etc.) all make sense. I sure do wish He would bring it on already. Walking blind is beginning to take its toll again, and I’m crying out for a bit of mud and saliva to make the world a bit clearer.
The format I’d been using seems to be obsolete. There’s no need to put on there that I graduated Summa Cum Laude in 2000. Or what my BBA concentration was. I’m supposed to use words like “expertise”, and explain how I single-handedly improved my past employer’s establishments. There’s something called “Core Competencies” that I’m supposed to list, but I have no idea what those are for someone that’s been a missionary for the last seven years. I’m not even bothering to add “Professional Accomplishments” because I can’t think of any. I’m supposed to sell myself, but I don’t want to … I just want God to open a door so that I can walk through it and impact the lives of the people I work with and serve.
I was sitting in that room last night at church, looking over the resumes of the other people in the club who have been in their industries for 10+ years who can list all kinds of things that employers may be looking for … wondering how I’m supposed to word what God’s done through this missionary life I’ve led. Most people assume that I have some sort of edge because I’m globally minded, have lived and served abroad, and adapted to a life and culture not my own. I’m not so sure.
It would be so easy to just buy a plane ticket to Argentina right now, and say that I’m going to spend a year becoming fluent in Spanish.
But, I continue to wait. God said this was the next step … that He was going to open a door that no man can shut … that the place that He causes me to walk in will make all of the experiences I’ve had (SCI, YWAM, Africa, etc.) all make sense. I sure do wish He would bring it on already. Walking blind is beginning to take its toll again, and I’m crying out for a bit of mud and saliva to make the world a bit clearer.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday
I’m sitting in front of the house, in the warm sunshine because my fingers are numb. I’ve spent the better part of the last 24 hours trying to get my resume in order so that I could have a fighting chance at getting this job with World Vision I applied for just a few minutes ago. It’s a position for an intern/volunteer coordinator … something I think I would enjoy if I’m able to do it for an organization like World Vision.
You’re probably wondering why the numb fingers. The basement tends to be cooler than the rest of the house … not that I’m complaining. At night (and in the summer) it’s a beautiful thing. I just stayed down there too long because I was determined to get that application off today. There's no application deadline or reason for urgency ... I just felt like it was something I had to do. Whether or not I get a call back, interview or the job isn't up to me. God's the one that said He would open the door He wants me to go through.
So, I think I’m thawed out now. Off to make some lunch, then into town to do some grocery shopping before heading to church for the Job Club and Wednesday night service. We’re supposed to be tackling “networking” in the Job Club … and now that I’ve met a master networker (none other than Ms. Dorothy Logans, for those who know her), I think I’ll have a great frame of reference to work from. And MAYBE I can finally hear Jim Critcher speak tonight!
You’re probably wondering why the numb fingers. The basement tends to be cooler than the rest of the house … not that I’m complaining. At night (and in the summer) it’s a beautiful thing. I just stayed down there too long because I was determined to get that application off today. There's no application deadline or reason for urgency ... I just felt like it was something I had to do. Whether or not I get a call back, interview or the job isn't up to me. God's the one that said He would open the door He wants me to go through.
So, I think I’m thawed out now. Off to make some lunch, then into town to do some grocery shopping before heading to church for the Job Club and Wednesday night service. We’re supposed to be tackling “networking” in the Job Club … and now that I’ve met a master networker (none other than Ms. Dorothy Logans, for those who know her), I think I’ll have a great frame of reference to work from. And MAYBE I can finally hear Jim Critcher speak tonight!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The Hill
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Seriously! The sun's out, there's a cool wind blowing, and you can take a walk without sweating. I'm told that come June or July, that won't be the case. Not a happy thought since I was under the impression that I was escaping some of the nastiness that is Houston weather.
I thought I'd post a few pics of where I'm living so that those of you who have never been to Virginia can see what my neck of the woods is like. (I must mention that when I tell people that live closer in to D.C. where I'm staying, they always ask, "Where's that?", followed by, "Why are you staying way out there?", which is usually followed by "Oh.") :o)
I'm told that the Festival of Cherry Blossoms is coming up. Some time ago, Japan gifted a ton of trees to the Capitol sity and sometime around the end of March, beginning of April they're all supposed to bloom and signal the coming of Spring. I think it will be a great time to get the Canon out and begin taking photos againl. I'll make sure to get some shots of D.C. so that you can get a glimpse of what the city's like.
And, for my wonderful parents back in Houston who think I'm crazy when I say I'm going to the park to read when it's 45 degrees outside ... I include this picture of one of my favorite spots. A good book, a blanket and a few snacks ... need I say more?
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm back!
I know it's March. And I know it's been five months since my last post. I've had a lot to say ... just didn't feel too great about sending my more vulnerable moments into cyberspace.
But, I'm back now. I'm no longer in Texas with my family. I'm not sure that I'll ever get to grad school. I'm not even able to clearly identify what type of job I'm looking for. I'm waiting on God to open a door that I could not, to a job that I will look at and say that I'm not qualified to do but is a place that will make the last seven years make sense, that will cause my family to sit back and wonder at the way God works.
Sound scary and random to you? Yeah, to me too.
So. Where am I? I'm living in Virginia with some awesome friends who have allowed me to live in their basement until I figure out what God's up to. What am I doing? Focusing on the last thing He said to me: "Build relationship ... be intentional. Wait on Me." What does that look like on a daily basis? Ha. That's the fun (and sometimes slightly frustrating) part. :o)
Each day is different. Some days I stay at home, catching up on reading. (Most recent projects have been a comparative writing on Judaism/Christianity, another on American history, The Color Purple and a few Christian fiction novels to lighten the load.) Some days I have been able to schedule lunch, dinner or coffee with someone I met through YWAM, South Africa, a friend of a friend, etc. I'm at church two days a week - Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. I got involved in a job club that meets once a week that has been helping me figure out how the job market works in this strange place. Some days I go to the park and just read, walk and pray. Most days I spend a bit of time hanging out with the family upstairs whose kids (age 7, 4 and 2) who call me their neighbor friend downstairs.
Am I doing it right? I have no idea. I know that last week was a pretty epic battle of surrendering my will to His (complete with a bit of drama, silence, tears, pep talks, screams of frustration, praying and glimmers of hope). I'm doing much better this week. Surrender has come, and I can honestly say I trust Him. If I'm still living in my friends' basement without employment come July 31st, with no money in the bank and a quarter tank of gas ... I still trust Him. He's up to something, and I don't think it's going to look anything like I expect it to look.
I think I can safely say I'm well into the next adventure with God!
But, I'm back now. I'm no longer in Texas with my family. I'm not sure that I'll ever get to grad school. I'm not even able to clearly identify what type of job I'm looking for. I'm waiting on God to open a door that I could not, to a job that I will look at and say that I'm not qualified to do but is a place that will make the last seven years make sense, that will cause my family to sit back and wonder at the way God works.
Sound scary and random to you? Yeah, to me too.
So. Where am I? I'm living in Virginia with some awesome friends who have allowed me to live in their basement until I figure out what God's up to. What am I doing? Focusing on the last thing He said to me: "Build relationship ... be intentional. Wait on Me." What does that look like on a daily basis? Ha. That's the fun (and sometimes slightly frustrating) part. :o)
Each day is different. Some days I stay at home, catching up on reading. (Most recent projects have been a comparative writing on Judaism/Christianity, another on American history, The Color Purple and a few Christian fiction novels to lighten the load.) Some days I have been able to schedule lunch, dinner or coffee with someone I met through YWAM, South Africa, a friend of a friend, etc. I'm at church two days a week - Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. I got involved in a job club that meets once a week that has been helping me figure out how the job market works in this strange place. Some days I go to the park and just read, walk and pray. Most days I spend a bit of time hanging out with the family upstairs whose kids (age 7, 4 and 2) who call me their neighbor friend downstairs.
Am I doing it right? I have no idea. I know that last week was a pretty epic battle of surrendering my will to His (complete with a bit of drama, silence, tears, pep talks, screams of frustration, praying and glimmers of hope). I'm doing much better this week. Surrender has come, and I can honestly say I trust Him. If I'm still living in my friends' basement without employment come July 31st, with no money in the bank and a quarter tank of gas ... I still trust Him. He's up to something, and I don't think it's going to look anything like I expect it to look.
I think I can safely say I'm well into the next adventure with God!
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