It's REALLY been awhile ...

Wow. March. That's not good!!!

I haven't been on here a lot lately ... not that I haven't had a lot to say or that there haven't been things going on. I think I needed to take a step back from allowing the outside world to read my very private thoughts. That and the fact that there was so much turmoil going on that I needed to process through without venting.

I'm over it now, so here we go. :o)

God's up to something good. I can feel it. There's too much opposition coming my way for it to be anything else. So, we'll see what He's up to. Hooray for new beginnings!

So far away

Okay, so here's something safe I can write about ...

Been feeling like God is so far away lately. As I was in church yesterday I got this picture (out of nowhere) of myself crawling on this dry, cracked ground looking for water and nourishment. I didn't need the reminder, but was struck by the desperation that was part of the picture ... and also the feeling of slowly losing any sense of hope.

This isn't anything new. I've been here for a few weeks now. I remember being in a Tuesday morning meeting not too long ago when a group of people decided to let loose in the spirit. Everyone was praying and weeping ... I was too. But not for the reasons that people would think. I was remembering the days when I felt His presence as close to me as the person that was in the chair next to me. I remembered times when I could see His face, smell Him and heard His voice calling to me.

I got a word that day that brought some hope, and I've been holding onto that in the midst of the craziness I find myself in today.

A part of me is starting to get revelation on why God seems so far away. It has nothing to do with sin that I can't remember committing. It has nothing to do with this continent that I've been living in for the last 2 years.

It has everything to do with the ending of a season and the beginning of a new one.

I love how He never does things the way that I think He will ... and the fact that He knows that He has to uproot things in me to allow room for His plans to come to fruition.

Space

You know, given all that's gone on during the past 3 months I realize that there's a good reason why I haven't blogged. The idea of having my thoughts out there for all to read isn't always a good thing.

At the same time, it's a part of my processing. My question is whether or not I need to do it online.

So, I may disappear again for awhile. Or, just write about fluff. We'll see.

Too much raw stuff going on for me to allow my fingers to plug in words that have deep meaning. I need to seek the heart of the Father in the midst of all of this, because mine's not doing so well at the moment.

Tension

I'm told that tension is a good thing ... that where there is tension, there's growth. How true.

There's been a lot of tension in my life lately. Between wondering why on earth I'm doing what I'm doing, to sticking it out solely because I said I wouldn't leave until the end of 2009, yet feeling like my time here isn't up yet, and adding to that the fact that there's something that's not quite right ... I can feel the pull.

On top of this I've had some hard conversations with key people in my life here lately where I'm not sure that I was even heard, been given words of knowledge from people that don't know what I'm walking through that have been spot on, and I've come to the point of saying "never again" to some things (when I'm pretty staunch about NEVER saying never!) ... yeah, there's been some tension.

So, I'm expecting all kinds of growth in this season! Praying that I learn what I'm supposed to learn and that I walk through this season with grace, honoring my Lord and God in all that I do.

Struggling

So, I've been battling with God for a few days now.

No one knows the details of it ...

Just that He's asked me to do something I really don't want to do.

It grates against every fiber of my being.

It makes no sense.

I don't want to do it.

I don't know how to do it.

I don't understand why He wants me to do it.

All I know is that I'm stuck on the part of Proverbs 3:5 that says "Lean not on your own understanding".

It makes my chest hurt.

I get this sinking feeling in my stomach.

And I'm stuck.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart ..."

I'm apparently not doing much better with that portion either.

New Year

I can't believe it's already February. My birthday's coming up and I have to admit that celebrating another year on this planet definitely has its ups and downs. The down would be that I'm far away from home and family ... the up is that I get to plan a fabulous day with friends, celebrating the goodness of God. Who said getting a year older is a bad thing? :o) Maybe I should start celebrating getting a month older ... okay, okay ... that might be a bit excessive.