A hard day

Today was a really tough one for some reason. I got enough sleep last night (9 hours!), so it wasn't that. I dug a bit into the word this morning, but I haven't been "soaking" in it lately ... maybe that's it.

There are some issues floating around in my head at the moment, but nothing major. Mostly questions I'm asking, things that need to get settled in my heart so that I can tackle this upcoming change, and navigating through some things God's recently spoken. The usual stuff.

What throws me off about today is that I only had the 5 younger kids with me today, and we went to the park and had a picnic. I can usually handle 5 kids. But today, I tell ya, they irritated the daylights out of me. It just seemed like everyone was out of sorts ... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Ripples of culture shock

Everytime I start writing in this blogspace tonight, I delete what I've written because it sounds like I'm whining or being critical. I don't like that so much.

I had some run-ins today while I was out and about that triggered some aftershock ripples of culture shock. I know that I dealt with a lot of this stuff last year, but I just didn't expect it to come up today.

I'll just be honest. I really struggle to understand Africans. I sometimes am stunned by this culture and the people in it. I feel very American in it at times. I wait for the day when I can say, "A-ha! I get it!" Yet sometimes I wonder if that day will ever come.

And part of me is ready for a change of scenery that I know isn't coming anytime soon.

What happened to the good old days?

So, it's my day off and I went to bed last night around one a.m. This would be partly because I called my sister to vent last night after hanging out with Paris and it took forever for me to get out what I had to say becuase she's in the middle of some FEMA disaster relief work. Then I tried to go to the bathroom before tucking in and found one of the kids vomiting all over the floor. Can't just leave that there, so I had to clean it up and make sure he was okay.

If I only went to be at 1 a.m., why did I wake up at 6 on my day off? What happened to the good old days when I could sleep in until 10? Does this mean I'm getting old?

I think it does. :o(

Speechless

Sometimes the situations I find myself in leave me speechless. I wonder at the hand of God, and struggle to understand where He's leading and why. But in the end, I have to trust. End of story.

Random thoughts ...

A friend of mine asked me today what God was speaking to me about. I had to admit that I've been so preoccupied with daily things that I hadn't heard from Him directly in a while. I'd battled the stress and anxiety of a few weeks ago, and since things stabilized I haven't really spent time listening.

Not good, I know.

My thoughts have been consumed by random craziness lately, most of which I'm trying to not allow to linger too long. My upcoming move and HUGE step into yet another transition is one. Trying to understand people and the way they do relationships is another. Battling with the South African mindset in regards to some things (like race relations, relationships, food, child-rearing and business practices) is yet another.

Wondering why on earth God called me, of all people, to this continent is usually in there somewhere.

Questioning things I've always believed and standards I've held to has come up.

Trying to balance being a "mom" to orphans and a single woman hoping to get married someday was brought up in a conversation I had recently. I'm still at a loss with this one.

I've been asking if I will ever be able to find and do one thing that I'm truly passionate about ... something that I look at with such satisfaction in my heart that I'm anxious about waking up in the morning and doing it all over again.

And, I'm trying to focus on just how big the God I love and serve is, rather than the thoughts floating around my head.

Too strong ...

So, I've heard throughout my life that I'm considered to be a "strong person". I don't consider being strong a bad thing ... but it's come up lately in a context that I'm not sure that I know how to take.

I was considering the whole matchmaking thing that seems to be going on all around me lately. I've noticed that some of my friends are being matched with some seemingly great guys, while I continue to just hang out and wonder what on earth God is talking about in my quiet times in regards to this area because it continues to look like I'm on "hold" when it comes to relationships.

Now, don't get me wrong - I realize that God only just started to stir the whole pot for marriage and relationships in my life in recent years. I was never open to it before, never really considered it as something for me. But lately, comments like "well, you just don't seem to need a man in your life" or "you don't seem to have any vulnerabilities" or "you give off the vibe that you're not interested" have made me pause and think twice about where I'm at in this whole thing. In the past, I would say this was true ... but now that God's opened up this can of worms and is speaking to me in VERY present day terms about His desire for me here, I'm not sure what to do about the vibe I'm giving off.

I've tried to reason ... maybe it's because I'm still not that girl that falls in love with every guy that pays attention to her. I don't allow my emotions to run away and have me picking out bed linens and silverware when I'm asked out to coffee. Hanging out with a guy, watching a movie isn't an indication of his interest. I have too many good guy friends to read into this stuff.

Also, if a guy doesn't fit with what I hear God saying, he stays int he "friend zone". I remember looking at a guy I was interested in last year and weighing the possibilities, only to realize that we were headed in two very different directions and that he couldn't be the fulfillment of what I believed God spoke to me about marriage and family. End of story for me, no matter how attracted I was.

So, I'm thinking. And praying. And wondering if there are habits I've learned and vibes I'm giving off that are counter-productive to where God's heading with all of this. If so, I know that there are changes that need to take place. Just gotta figure out the "how".

And, I'm realizing that God is bigger than my "vibe".

Feelings ...

So, I got my feelings hurt today and it kinda caught me off guard. It's not that I'm not emotional ... I'm a girl, after all. It had more to do with what my feelings were hurt over. It never ceases to amaze me, the things we take personally.

I had to really ponder how to process what was going on in me. I couldn't pinpoint why I was reacting the way I was to what happened ... I thought about it being PMS-related (which is possible). I thought about it being a side-effect from lack of sleep - we had a friend that was over last night until about 12:45am ... you guys know what I'm like without 8 hours of sleep. Then I thought about my own insecurities and how they factored into the situation. So many possibilities.

I'm still in the middle of processing it, but I know that I will be okay in the end. No harm was meant, and God is still in control. And, at the end of the day, it's not really that significant.

The latest drama ...

So, we're having this fundraiser thing Friday night and I've been stressing about the dress code - "dress formal". Besides the fact that I'm not too fond of dresses to begin with, the idea of having to find a formal in South Africa was just too much for me.

Without going into the specifics of dressing a body that's shaped like mine, I'll just say that for the last few weeks I've been hitting the mall on my days off ... with very little to show for it. Rather than stressing about it, I decided to pick pieces that I would wear again with other things, and just for this night I would look a little dressed up ... but not exactly formal. What's the worst that could happen? They won't let me into the venue? I stand out like a sore thumb in something that isn't quite as sequin-laden as the other ladies around me? People think I'm poor? I meet the man of my dreams and he's in a tux, wondering where my formal dress is? (I seriously doubt that last one ... most guys don't think like that!)

In the end I decided that I probably won't see any of these people ever again and that it won't matter what I'm wearing ... I'm a missionary after all. They should be happy I don't show up in a tunic and Jesus sandals. :o)