It's been that long since I've written on here. I have written, just didn't feel like putting my inner turmoil on the web. So, now that I'm coming out of the fog and am starting to get a feel for why I'm returning to South Africa in July, here's my most recent writing. I think it sums it up pretty well ...
Imagine that for years you’d been preparing to make a big move to Chicago or New York. You’ve been bracing yourself for harsh winters, moderate summers and the hustle and bustle of a fast-paced life. Then God flips the script on you and asks you to plant yourself in rural Kentucky.
That’s a bit what being in South Africa is like to me. Even now, one year into this new direction and adventure with Him, I’m still struggling to reconcile what my dreams about South America were. Were they one step in the process of getting me to think outside of the box? If so, then I would say that He took it too far, and the dream became too engrained in me and in my heart. No fair.
In thinking about what God has called me to and what I believe He’s preparing me for, life in South Africa makes sense, but it doesn’t. Where else in the world can you see such gross injustices committed against women and children? Maybe parts of Asia. Where else is the orphan crisis as big? Nowhere. Where else has AIDS ravaged a population that will not do what is necessary to stop the disease?
Then there are the things He’s placed in me personally that I look at through a South African lens and I can’t reconcile – the gift of hospitality; love for food and photography; that my marriage and family would be an agent of change and reconciliation; my love of latin languages.
No wonder I’m not myself in this place. Half of who I am and what I’m about doesn’t fit in this place, and I’m not sure it ever will.
What to do? These words still haunt me and drive me on …
Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are
I would give the world to tell Your story
For I know that You’ve called me
I know that You’ve called me
I’ve lost myself for good within Your promise
And I won’t hide it, I won’t hide it
Jesus I believe You
And I would go
To the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You
Alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That you are God
You are God.
I can still remember the first time I heard this song, long after I’d made the decision to go to Africa instead of South America. I remember the ache in my heart, probably from saying “Yes” to Him and no to my own desires.
In spite of the questions, I trust that He knows what’s best.
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