Family

I just spent the last couple days with my three youngest nieces and nephews … I’d forgotten how fun (and loud) that can be. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, they were there. I even had one of them in my bed with me, so there was no escape. The other two made up makeshift beds on my bedroom floor and slept there, even though there was an empty spare bedroom in the house.

We watched movies, played outside, went shopping, ate at Sonic, and made breakfast together. I have to admit that I hadn’t realized how much I missed hanging out with them, and it made me realize once again just how much of their young lives I was missing while living abroad.

I also have had the chance to hang out with my parents quite a bit since being home. It’s been cool, hearing their stories and laughter. I’ve spent many a night on the carpet in my parent’s bedroom, watching movies that they’ve recorded from DSTV and laughing … and last night I was even watching the Gaither Christmas special with my mom. I know, I know … but I like the music!

It’s so strange to have the realization hit that there may come a day when any or possibly all of these people may not be here with me. My parents will eventually pass away. Accidents and illnesses happen, so I can never rule out something happening to my nieces and nephews. It helps me realize that I need to make the most of every moment I have with them, even when they’re kneeing me in the back while we’re sleeping or whining about wanting something to drink while in a mall full of people Christmas shopping.

As I sit watching Alex shovel mac’n’cheese into his little mouth, I have to admit that I love them even more now that I’ve been away and come back. His favorite place to sit at the table is still on my lap. While we’re watching tv, he still has wedge himself in between me and the chair arm. Olivia still comes and gives me lingering hugs. Josh still tells me the longest stories about school and football.

Everyone’s changed, but we’re all still the same. Family.

So tired of flying ...

So, apparently November 24th is the day to fly. I arrived at the airport early to check in and while standing in line, looked back and said to a black girl behind me that it was good to hear another American accent. We laughed and she asked me how long I’d been in South Africa. I said “Two years.”

When she introduced herself to me, I smiled and when she asked my name, I said, “Roxanne.”

“Roxanne what?”

“Foster. Why? You’re Nicole … ?”

Big smile crosses her face. “Boone.”

Yeah, I screamed in the airport.

This is a girl that I started emailing around the middle of last year at the insistence of a friend in Houston who heard her speak at their church. We’d talked about my coming to visit her in Plettenberg Bay, but life had gotten hectic and I’d forgotten to make it a priority. Apparently, God was still up to something there!

So, for the next hour we chatted and laughed about life in South Africa, about our struggles with the men and the results of the recent elections. It was so good to laugh with someone who can identify with the craziness you experience as a black American living in South Africa.

If that wasn’t enough, when I landed in Atlanta I was standing around baggage claim and saw a girl that looked really familiar to me as well. It turns out that she’s a YWAMer that’s working with 10,000 Homes in Mpumalanga whose DTS I staffed in Denver. I’m constantly amazed at how big this workd is, yet how intimate and inter-connected the body of Christ is.

Apparently God wanted to encourage me with the fact that the relationships I make in this life are lifelong. I’ve been sad about the fact that quite a few of my friends will have moved on from living and working in South Africa/Joburg when I get back. Being in YWAM, you get used to saying goodbye to people, but it just seemed (once again) that just when I’d seemed to find some balance between work and friendships, things will once again be unbalanced when I return.

So, this holiday will be a great time for me to refocus and enjoy the stability of relationships in my life. I’m excited about spending time with my family and friends, as well as praying through some of the things going on in my head and heart in regards to returning to Joburg to become a full-time mom on the mission field. Thank God for His timing and the fact that He knows me inside and out.

Coming home ...

So, pretty soon I'll be able to sleep in and not make any decisions about anything bigger than what I'm going to eat for lunch ... and even that may be decided for me. I have to admit that I'm kinda looking forward to being the youngest kid, well taken care of once again.

Things have been quite hectic with the transition from Child Haven to Adler Haven. There's lots to be done, and I'm being tested on all sides ... esp. in the area of relationships and loving as Christ does. I think there's a theme here that God wants me to get a grip on ... must be as a result of my asking Him to "show me how to love like He's loved me". We really have to be careful about what we pray ... or at least be mindful of the impact of it. :o)

I have to admit that I wasn't looking forward to making the 21 hour flight/jaunt to the States. I knew I was going home to spend time with my father who was acting a bit strange the last time I was at home, but now I definitely see that it was the hand of the Lord. I need the rest. I need fresh perspective. I need time and space away to really see the true status of some things in my life - namely ministry, relationships, character development, and my walk with the Lord.

And, I get to eat! I'm really looking forward to turkey, dressing, pies, callaloo, curry, chana, roti, chocolate covered strawberries and CHEESECAKE!!

Life's Frustrations

I think it's pretty funny that I truly believe that my frustrations are unlike those of "normal" people. I've somehow managed to convince myself that I get frustrated about things that normal people don't, or that somehow, I'm the only one going through a certain thing.

I was so blessed to talk with two friends today - one from New Zealand and the other from Belgium - who helped me process a bit and shed some light on the things I've been going through mentally and emotionally. How important it is to have people you trust who are willing to walk you through the junk in your head and heart!

Bottom line is that there is nothing new under the sun. At it's core, I'm still struggling with trusting God and taking Him at His word. My flesh struggles with the things He's telling me to do, and rebellion still has it's little root in me. I'm struggling with the same core issues as everyone else.

Where we tend to differ is the specific things that God may be asking me to do, or the area of my life that He's asking me to trust Him in.

As I talked with my friend from Belgium today, I told her that one of my biggest frustrations is in the area of relationships. "Why don't they work the way that you expect them to?" I realize that YWAM Denver messed me up in this area and I have expectations that are unrealistic for life outside the YWAM bubble. But, seriously, they shouldn't be this difficult. God's been challenging me to love as He's loved me ... to not follow in my old pattern of writing people off when they don't respond the way that I think they should. I'll admit it - he told me to love someone specifically and I told Him I didn't want to. Yeah, I got spanked for it and I'm still not sure what loving like this looks like in this particular situation, or why He's even asking me to do this. I've asked for His perspective on it (as my friend suggested), but I really don't like the answer that I got. No matter, I have to do it simply because He's asked me to.

Another area I tackled with my Kiwi friend was the area of communication within relationship ... I realize that there's a cutltural barrier between myself and South Africans, but we decided that much of what was going on probably has more to do with spiritual warfare surrounding the birth of this new ministry (Adler Haven) than American English versus South African English. I think in this situation I just need to pray a bit, then speak up.

As I talked with both friends, I also realized that pursuing relationship is not something that's important to everyone. Or, maybe it's just that pursuing relationship with me is not important to everyone that I'm pursuing relationship with. Now, don't get me wrong ... I'm not arrogant enough to believe that everyone has to love me and want to be in relationship with me. I just had to process the realization that I'm just a blip on the radar for some people ... they acknowledge my presence, but don't really have an interest in getting to know me beyond that. Which is fine. It's a natural part of life. I just have to focus on building with the people who are as interested as I am.

You know, I have to admit that I do have some amazing friends. Unfortunately, most of the ones that will sit up and talk with me at 1 in the morning as I process the craziness that's going on in my head are on another continent. Still, I am truly blessed. They also have craziness going on in their own lives as they journey with God, but these precious people genuinely care about me and want to spur me on in my walk with Christ, encouraging me to trust in Him and trust the directions that He's giving.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

the car

So, I've all but bought my car. Did the test drive today, signed on the dotted line to put it on hold and start the inspection/registration process. I go back on Monday to finalize things.

I can't believe God's lead me to buy such a nice car.

My hope is that I drive it until it dies (or I leave South Africa), and that it will be a wise investment.

Amazing ...

I sat in line today at the Traffic Office (S.A.'s equivalent of the DMV), waiting to get a traffic register certificate so that I would be entered into their sytem and thus, would be able to own a car here. While in that line, I talked to a South African man who was quite disgusted over how it took multiple trips to get the titling done for his vehicles. As we chatted, I thought of the many trips I've had to make to just get to the place of being able to purchase a car here.

There were the 5 trips to FNB (bank) that proved fruitless because each time I went, there was something not quite right about my paperwork.

There were the multiple trips to the mall to try and set up a department store credit card so that I could have a statement sent to the house to "prove" that I lived there.

There were the multiple trips to car dealerships and auction houses where I looked at 100s of cars.

There's the two trips to the Traffic Office that I'm not going to complain about ... they almost didn't accept my paperwork because it said "Visitor" in my passport.

There were the three trips to another bank that actually let me open a bank account without too much hassle ... imagine, three trips = not too much hassle!

And now, there will be the multiple trips to the car dealership where I think I'm going to buy my car. It's the end of the process, so to speak, and I'm really surprised I'm not more worn out!

Here's to hoping that God makes it clear which vehicle I'm to buy, and that I won't try to convince him to let me buy something cheaper. :o)

Shopping, shopping ...

SO, I've been hitting the car shopping pretty hard lately. To say it's been stressful is pretty much an understatement. I've looked at well over 100 cars now, and I'm pretty much at the end of myself and any opinion I could possibly have about cars.

For a long time I thought I wanted a used Honda Ballade, which is like the old Honda Accord. In the States, they're great cars. Here in S.A. spending less than R60,000 on a car is risky because of all the damage that has potentially been done to it. So, I waited.

Then I looked at the Toyota Corolla. I'd owned one before, didn't really like it all that much, but it was reliable and easy on maintenance. Here in S.A. Toyotas (esp the smaller and older ones) are at the top of the hitlist for carjacking and theft. Yay.

So, I started to branch out ... VW Polos (also on the hitlist, but the hatchback/3 door model is more likely stolen), Mazda 3s, Nissans, Kias. To say that I was overwhelmed by the end of it is another understatement.

Something had to be done, though. I'd been buying a car since December 2007. I will soon lose the privilege of driving the ministry car because I'm moving to the new house. We'll have even more volunteers here, which means more people sharing one car. So, the time has come.

I went out today to a dealership that was recommended to me and I think I may have found my car. I'm not going to stress over the fact that it's newer than any car I've driven, that it's nice, with only 55,000k on the clock. I'm going to trust that my donors in the States will understand that considering reliability, safety, theft/carjacking, insurance and the needed size for running kids and all their stuff around, I got the best buy for the money I had available.

So, it looks like I might be buying a VW Polo Classic if there's nothing wrong with it. Test drive is Monday. It's a trade-in. And I'm walking out of there under budget, which means there's money for insurance and maintenance.

Have I mentioned that not getting ahead of God and procrastinating just a little has really worked in my favor? The exchange rate right now enables me to spend the same money and get R20,000 more vehicle for it. Gotta love how God works!

So, please pray that all goes well and that the hunt will be over!

A hard day

Today was a really tough one for some reason. I got enough sleep last night (9 hours!), so it wasn't that. I dug a bit into the word this morning, but I haven't been "soaking" in it lately ... maybe that's it.

There are some issues floating around in my head at the moment, but nothing major. Mostly questions I'm asking, things that need to get settled in my heart so that I can tackle this upcoming change, and navigating through some things God's recently spoken. The usual stuff.

What throws me off about today is that I only had the 5 younger kids with me today, and we went to the park and had a picnic. I can usually handle 5 kids. But today, I tell ya, they irritated the daylights out of me. It just seemed like everyone was out of sorts ... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Ripples of culture shock

Everytime I start writing in this blogspace tonight, I delete what I've written because it sounds like I'm whining or being critical. I don't like that so much.

I had some run-ins today while I was out and about that triggered some aftershock ripples of culture shock. I know that I dealt with a lot of this stuff last year, but I just didn't expect it to come up today.

I'll just be honest. I really struggle to understand Africans. I sometimes am stunned by this culture and the people in it. I feel very American in it at times. I wait for the day when I can say, "A-ha! I get it!" Yet sometimes I wonder if that day will ever come.

And part of me is ready for a change of scenery that I know isn't coming anytime soon.

What happened to the good old days?

So, it's my day off and I went to bed last night around one a.m. This would be partly because I called my sister to vent last night after hanging out with Paris and it took forever for me to get out what I had to say becuase she's in the middle of some FEMA disaster relief work. Then I tried to go to the bathroom before tucking in and found one of the kids vomiting all over the floor. Can't just leave that there, so I had to clean it up and make sure he was okay.

If I only went to be at 1 a.m., why did I wake up at 6 on my day off? What happened to the good old days when I could sleep in until 10? Does this mean I'm getting old?

I think it does. :o(

Speechless

Sometimes the situations I find myself in leave me speechless. I wonder at the hand of God, and struggle to understand where He's leading and why. But in the end, I have to trust. End of story.

Random thoughts ...

A friend of mine asked me today what God was speaking to me about. I had to admit that I've been so preoccupied with daily things that I hadn't heard from Him directly in a while. I'd battled the stress and anxiety of a few weeks ago, and since things stabilized I haven't really spent time listening.

Not good, I know.

My thoughts have been consumed by random craziness lately, most of which I'm trying to not allow to linger too long. My upcoming move and HUGE step into yet another transition is one. Trying to understand people and the way they do relationships is another. Battling with the South African mindset in regards to some things (like race relations, relationships, food, child-rearing and business practices) is yet another.

Wondering why on earth God called me, of all people, to this continent is usually in there somewhere.

Questioning things I've always believed and standards I've held to has come up.

Trying to balance being a "mom" to orphans and a single woman hoping to get married someday was brought up in a conversation I had recently. I'm still at a loss with this one.

I've been asking if I will ever be able to find and do one thing that I'm truly passionate about ... something that I look at with such satisfaction in my heart that I'm anxious about waking up in the morning and doing it all over again.

And, I'm trying to focus on just how big the God I love and serve is, rather than the thoughts floating around my head.

Too strong ...

So, I've heard throughout my life that I'm considered to be a "strong person". I don't consider being strong a bad thing ... but it's come up lately in a context that I'm not sure that I know how to take.

I was considering the whole matchmaking thing that seems to be going on all around me lately. I've noticed that some of my friends are being matched with some seemingly great guys, while I continue to just hang out and wonder what on earth God is talking about in my quiet times in regards to this area because it continues to look like I'm on "hold" when it comes to relationships.

Now, don't get me wrong - I realize that God only just started to stir the whole pot for marriage and relationships in my life in recent years. I was never open to it before, never really considered it as something for me. But lately, comments like "well, you just don't seem to need a man in your life" or "you don't seem to have any vulnerabilities" or "you give off the vibe that you're not interested" have made me pause and think twice about where I'm at in this whole thing. In the past, I would say this was true ... but now that God's opened up this can of worms and is speaking to me in VERY present day terms about His desire for me here, I'm not sure what to do about the vibe I'm giving off.

I've tried to reason ... maybe it's because I'm still not that girl that falls in love with every guy that pays attention to her. I don't allow my emotions to run away and have me picking out bed linens and silverware when I'm asked out to coffee. Hanging out with a guy, watching a movie isn't an indication of his interest. I have too many good guy friends to read into this stuff.

Also, if a guy doesn't fit with what I hear God saying, he stays int he "friend zone". I remember looking at a guy I was interested in last year and weighing the possibilities, only to realize that we were headed in two very different directions and that he couldn't be the fulfillment of what I believed God spoke to me about marriage and family. End of story for me, no matter how attracted I was.

So, I'm thinking. And praying. And wondering if there are habits I've learned and vibes I'm giving off that are counter-productive to where God's heading with all of this. If so, I know that there are changes that need to take place. Just gotta figure out the "how".

And, I'm realizing that God is bigger than my "vibe".

Feelings ...

So, I got my feelings hurt today and it kinda caught me off guard. It's not that I'm not emotional ... I'm a girl, after all. It had more to do with what my feelings were hurt over. It never ceases to amaze me, the things we take personally.

I had to really ponder how to process what was going on in me. I couldn't pinpoint why I was reacting the way I was to what happened ... I thought about it being PMS-related (which is possible). I thought about it being a side-effect from lack of sleep - we had a friend that was over last night until about 12:45am ... you guys know what I'm like without 8 hours of sleep. Then I thought about my own insecurities and how they factored into the situation. So many possibilities.

I'm still in the middle of processing it, but I know that I will be okay in the end. No harm was meant, and God is still in control. And, at the end of the day, it's not really that significant.

The latest drama ...

So, we're having this fundraiser thing Friday night and I've been stressing about the dress code - "dress formal". Besides the fact that I'm not too fond of dresses to begin with, the idea of having to find a formal in South Africa was just too much for me.

Without going into the specifics of dressing a body that's shaped like mine, I'll just say that for the last few weeks I've been hitting the mall on my days off ... with very little to show for it. Rather than stressing about it, I decided to pick pieces that I would wear again with other things, and just for this night I would look a little dressed up ... but not exactly formal. What's the worst that could happen? They won't let me into the venue? I stand out like a sore thumb in something that isn't quite as sequin-laden as the other ladies around me? People think I'm poor? I meet the man of my dreams and he's in a tux, wondering where my formal dress is? (I seriously doubt that last one ... most guys don't think like that!)

In the end I decided that I probably won't see any of these people ever again and that it won't matter what I'm wearing ... I'm a missionary after all. They should be happy I don't show up in a tunic and Jesus sandals. :o)

Unexpected blessings

So, every Friday night I get to spend two hours on my own, waiting for three of our girls who attend Jozi Lights, a ministry for the tweens of our church. This Friday was no exception, so I took my laptop in to church to do some work.

What I didn't count on was the presentation on Sierra Leone going on at the church and the handful of people who were there to help Niel prepare for it.

As I was sitting there working on my latest eNewsletter, one of the girls came up to me and started asking questions about how things were going for me in S.A.

By the time we parted ways, I was so blessed by this young woman! She spoke truth to me about what she saw just through our brief interaction, and I got to encourage her in an area that she's been struggling with.

I love being part of the family of God!

By design

So, I was at Connect Group (one of my church's small group meetings) the other night and the topic was about whether or not we were doing the thing(s) we were called to do ... if we were in step with what the Designer had in mind when He created us.

Tetyana read and excerpt from The Dream Giver (great book, if you can find it ... I'm constantly being told it's out of print). Then we talked a bit about what brings us fulfilment. As I sat there and thought about the things that make me feel fulfilled in my walk with God, it struck me that those things were not what I was currently doing.

Now, this is not to say that I'm done here and am boarding the next plane to somewhere else in pursuit of what makes me happy. But, it is making me reevaluate starting another home and being tied to this ministry long-term. I am passionate about justice for children ... but I'm not sure that what I'm doing now (house mom, working with Child Welfare to care for my allotted 12) is what I was designed to do. Like so many things, I find I'm good at it, but it doesn't make me feel fulfilled. If anything, it kinda frustrates me.

So, what was on my list? Travel and experiencing other cultures. Photography - especially from places I've travelled. Hospitality ... the idea to go back and get my Masters and manage something in a foreign country once again rears its head. And, investing in relationship with other people who have a similar focus and passion for God.

Nothing about children. Nothing about Africa. Yet, there is no doubt in my mind that this is where I'm supposed to be. What am I supposed to do about that?

I hate being sick ...

So, it's been a week now that I've been battling this cold/flu junk. I hate being sick. At the moment it consists of lots of sinus issues, sneezing and congestion. Does not make for fun times when trying to care of six kiddos.

Even with all of that, it's good to be back in the swing of things. There's been lots of talk lately about what the future holds, esp regarding the opening of the new house. I'm really pushing for limiting it to six kids ... I think that's all I can handle should I have to do the job on my own. Sounds crazy, huh? Going from zero to six kids sounds like something I can handle. God has such a sense of humor.

Another popular topic is that of my marrying a South African since I'm looking to be here for a while. Don't know why people are so focused on it. I feel bad when I tell South Africans that South African men aren't my cup of tea. I think it makes me sound a bit like a snob, even though I am sincere when I say that I'm not sure it's likely. But, hey - I would' ve said my being sent to Africa long-term wasn't likely a few years ago. So, who knows?

Adjustments

Wow, it seems like the last few days have been a whirlwind. I've moved (again!) ... this time to Child Haven. I'm having to get used to kids yelling, crying, whining and running all the time. New schedule ... I'm up at 6 every morning now. Yikes! And, I've been sick with the flu. Nasty.

I had a few days off to get settled, move in, and then spent my days off recovering from the flu. Work technically starts tomorrow. I pray for God's strength in the midst of it all!

another favorite moment ...

I was sitting on the picnic table in the Child Haven courtyard/play area, reading a book to one of the three year olds. The book was about why giraffes have such long necks ... and the premise was that the giraffe wanted to eat fruit that was at the top of a tree, so he asked his rhino friend how to get at it. The rhino didn't know, so they asked the farmer. The farmer said if they swallowed a bone, it the would be able to eat it. Well, the rhino said no, the giraffe said yes and the rest is history.

Best part of the story? When the three year old points to the rhino and asks me what that is. "A rhinoceros," I say. "Oh? Ri-RO-cerous?"

So, all week she's been crawling on the ground on all fours saying, "Look mama, I ri-RO-cerous!"

Priceless.

The cutest thing ...

So, I've just finished my second shift at Child Haven. The kids are fun, but disciplining them seems to be an around the clock job. I think I've put on the serious face more than the happy one in the last 24 hours.

I have to admit that the highlight of my time happened while I was preparing the afternoon snack of tangerines and bananas. As I'm peeling the tangerines, Angel (age 3) comes and stands right in front of me and is very excited to see "orange". I look down and she's trying to capture the spray from the peel as I'm taking it off and put it in her mouth.

Priceless.

You know you're back in South Africa when ...

you're standing in line to pay for your groceries and the guy who's checking them looks you up and down, then asks what you speak.

"English."

"What's your mother tongue?"

"English."

"Where are you from?"

"America."

"America? Oh."

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person this kind of stuff happens to.

So, I've been back for about a week now and am almost fully back in the swing of things. I started working 3 24 hour shifts at Child Haven on Sunday. It was good, but pretty exhausting. The kids are adorable and love having a new person around, but I don't think I was fully prepared for how different they are to my nieces and nephews. It felt like all I did during the day was correct, discipline, and correct some more. There are eleven of them, and they come from some pretty horrendous situations (physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment ... one was even witnesses to the murder of his mother). There are four younger ones (all 3 years old), and the rest are between 6 and 8.

I LOVE the 3 year olds ... it's the older ones I struggled a bit with. I had to spank one of the 7 year old boys on my first day, which made me sad. But, I was reminded that it was part of my job, and that in the face of willful disobedience I had to set my own feelings aside.

I've also returned to my small group here in Northcliff ... fun times as we talked about the masculine and feminine qualities of God. I was already tired, so while the conversation was lively and full of passionate debate about whether gentleness was a feminine quality and the role of leader/authority was masculine, I'll admit that one of the highlights of the night was the conversation about camping in Botswana later this year. Oh, and a woman's place of submission. Always a good topic in mixed company.

It's been a while ...

Wow, it's been almost two months since my last post. That's not good. You'd think I've been distracted or something ...

:o)

Being back in the States was such fun! I had a blast visiting with people, sharing about my experiences here in Africa, and shopping for the strange things people in S.A. asked if I would bring back for them. I'm serious!! Face wash, Altoids and coffee creamer were on the list. I have to admit that I bend over backwards to make it happen, though, because they're such easy things to bring back. No stress at all, and I get to bless someone.

The biggest shock about coming back was learning that while I'd made it to S.A. safely, my luggage had not. It wouldn't be delivered to me for another three days. Good thing I had clothes and toiletries here!

Highlights so far include our 4th of July celebrations with the kids from baby Haven and Child Haven. What a joy to celebrate the holiday with 15 kids ... most of them under the age of 8! There were rice crispie treats and red, white and blue cupcakes galore. And, it was funny watching the three year olds try to maneuver through a three-legged race. I loved watching the joy on their faces!!!






So, it's good to be back. While I have some idea of what's to come, I rest in the fact that nothing's final 'til it's final ... and even then it's not final. I'm once again in transition, and I don't mind at all.

I cried today ...

We got a beautiful 10 month old boy from Child Services, and Caroline took me aside to tell me his story. NOTHING could have prepared me for what I was about to see. She shared with me how this baby was forcibly removed from his home where he was being physically abused. 10 months. What in the world?!?!

First she told me that his eye had been gouged out and given to a sangoma (witch doctor) for some ritual that the father felt needed to take place. Then she showed me the burn marks that cover 85% of his lower body, where the sangoma apparently repeatedly set him on burning hot coals (we think) in an effort to cure him of something ... we're not sure what. Then she showed me the open sores that are on his thighs where there are fresh burn wounds that have yet to heal and scab over.

What in the world are people thinking? How do you do this to ANY human being, let alone your own child? He's such a sweet baby, too ... and beautiful. It made me glad that I work where I work, and for a few moments I wished I weren't leaving quite yet.

I'm glad that I don't come face to face with this mother ... although I have to have some pity on her because I feel that, given this culture, she's probably enduring some of the same at the hands of her significant other. And I'm glad that Caroline made the social workers promise that if she took him, he would never go back to this family. Amazingly enough, they were thinking about it if the parents had a "miraculous turnaround".

So glad that God has called me to love on kids like this and help them heal - physically, emotionally and mentally. And, I look forward to the day when he is placed in a loving family.

Oops ...

I just realized that it's been a really long time since I've last blogged. Oops.

So, besides the normal craziness of life in South Africa (i.e. load shedding of electricity, random men trying to be my "friend" or put their slimy hands on me, navigating S.A. cultural norms, and trying not to be a victim of crime), I'm really looking forward to heading to American soil in 8 days.

In church on Sunday, the worship leader opened things up by asking us what was the one thing that annoyed us most about South Africa. What is the one thing that, if you could change it, you would. I knew my answer immediately, without even thinking about it.

The men.

Then he said that he wanted us to pray about this, and release it to God because He is the only one that can bring about any change to this thing ... and so often, we talk and complain about this thing, but don't pray about it.

Talk about being reprimanded.

I did pray for the men of S.A. at that time, and have really tried since then to pray whenever I'm annoyed. What a difference it has made.

I'm trusting God to give me a new perspective and frame of reference regarding the men here.

I need it.

Only in Africa ...

So, I thought I'd chronicle my latest conversation with a South African man ... this one had a witness, so you can know that I'm not lying about the fact that this happens to me often here.

I have to set the stage for this one ... I'm out with Deb (the Child Haven "gogo", or grandmother). I've just finished my shift at Baby Haven, and I didn't change my clothes or shower ... which means my hair's back in a ponytail, I've got a baby food stained hoodie on, no makeup and I'm tired.

She's had her day off and we're dropping her off at the house so that I can take the car for the weekend. She decides to stop off at the gas station down the street and top off the tank. While the guy is pumping her gas, he starts wiping the windshield and staring, trying to get my attention ... and I instinctively want to say "Take a photo, it will last longer!" but refrain from doing so in order not to draw attention to what he's doing.

As he comes back to the car with her receipt for the fuel (all gas stations are full-serive here in S.A.), he leans back and tell her:

"I have a lot of cows."

She looks a bit puzzled, and says, "Cows? You have a lot of cows?"

At this point, I'm thinking that surely he's not about to do this with her in the car.

"Yeah, I have a lot of cows." He says, while looking at me. "So I can pay the lebola."

(For those of you that don't know, this is the "bride price" that African men pay to the family of the woman that he takes as his wife. In past times, it would've been in cows because that's how wealth was measured. If a girl only has one child, she's worth so many cows. If she's a virgin, she's worth more cows. If she's a virgin and has an education, she's worth even more. The idea is that he compensates her family for what she would have contributed had she not married.)

At this point, I speak up because I can tell that Deb has no clue what he's talking about. "So, you have a lot of cows? That's good ... now all you need to do is find a girl."

To this he replies, "I have found one. You."

"Um, naw dude ... I'm not available."

After asking me what I said because he didn't understand my American English, he says, "Let me see your ring finger ... you don't have a ring on it. That means you're available."

"No, that does not mean I'm available. So sorry, man, you'll have to find someone else to give your cows to." I really wanted to say that my daddy wouldn't be interested in your cows ... what he'd want to see is your university degree and your paycheck stub. But, I didn't.

"We can be friends. There is nothing stopping us from being friends." To Deb he says, "Tell her. We can be friends."

At this point my friend Deb tells him that she's not telling me anything and starts to drive off. He continues to talk with her, though, trying to convince her to talk to me so we can be "friends".

What in the world???

N'kosi Sikelel i'Afrika ...

twins

Yet another change in my thinking ... I think I could manage life with newborn twins.

I can remember a time when the thought of holding or caring for a newborn would've freaked me out. I mean, I can remember my brother and the Loewens handing their newborns to me (because I would never volunteer to hold them). With my brother, he basically threw the kid at me before I left for university without holding him. Yeah, strange thing, fear. I guess I thought I would drop them or hurt them somehow.

Now, caring for the newborns is a highlight of my day. There's no potty training or battling of wills. There's no throwing of food or biting of siblings. Life is about trying to keep them awake so they sleep at night, feedings, nappy changes and figuring out why they're doing that new baby wail ... smooth sailing.

So, I think I could manage life with twins if I were to have kids. I won't think about life when they hit the "terrible" twos or when they're in high school ... or when they're going off to University at the same time. I figure that's all the cost of having children, right?

I have to admit that I also wasn't prepared to love these little ones like they're my own. But, I do. And I count that as a gift from God.

Culture Clash

I meet so many people here who are quick to slam Americans because we don’t know our geography. For instance, when I told some people that I was going to South Africa to do missions, a few people asked me “What country?” (revealing that they didn’t know that South Africa was a country, not just a region).

I tell them it’s true, many Americans are ignorant when it comes to countries outside of North America. For instance, many assume that Brazilians speak Spanish because they are in South America (assuming they know that Brazil is in South America) or don’t realize that countries like Antigua, Guinea-Bissau and U.A.E. even exist (let alone where they are).

However, I’ve gotten the blank stare from people in South Africa when I say my family is from the West Indies (usually followed by “where is that?” or “is that in Africa” or “but you don’t look Indian”) and I even had someone recently ask me if Somalia (which is struggling with a severe food shortage at the moment) was in the States (um … huh?).

So, when people start slamming my country and my people, I don’t get patriotic and slam them, I simply remind them that most people tend to focus on their area and reality … and point out that those of us who enjoy travel and cultures have a broader scope of interest. Just because we can find Djibouti, Kazakhstan, Cyprus or Nagaland on a map doesn’t make us more intelligent or less ignorant. We still don’t know everything.

Also, I was having a fun conversation with someone at church last night and he was imitating an American accent. Makes me laugh so hard!!! Then he said something about "nekked" ... I couldn't contain myself. What in the world?!?! I had a flashback to rednecks in Tennessee talking about going skinny-dipping. Lord ... have ... mercy!

S. A. Men

I never cease to be amazed with conversations that I have with South African men. Sometimes I walk away with such a greater appreciation for the men in my own country ... wait, let me rephrase that: sometimes I wonder if they're part of the same species as the men in my own country and realize how much I love the men from my own hemisphere.

This is a conversation I had with the guard who raises (manually) the boom at the security checkpoint into my neighborhood today:

(As I approach the stop sign, he waves for me to get closer and leans on the car by the driver side window, big smile on his face)

"You live here?" (he asks, even though he's seen me drive through here several times a week over the last four months)

"Yep." (my response)

"What number?"

"150."

"150. (pause here ... as if he's processing and picturing the house) Oh, you live with Caroline?"

"Yep."

"Oh, okay. (slight pause) Are you married?"

"Nope."

"You have a boyfriend?"

(Those of you who know me well can imagine my face right now ...) "Kind of."

"What? Kind of?"

"Yep, kind of. He's in the States." (Yeah, I lied because I just didn't feel like doing this today ... I see this guy several times a week and life would just be easier if I said there was "someone" in the States. I had someone in mind, too, if he'd ask about him ... sorry Jason! I'm fast running out of single guys in my age bracket and you popped in there first.)

"Oh, I see. You have any kids?"

(Once again, I'm not able to control my face ...) "No."

"Why not? How old are you?"

"Because I don't want any right now and I'm 32."

"Ohhh, you need to have some kids." (Big smile continues on his face. You know the smile that guys give you when they're looking you up and down? Yeah, that one.)

"No, I'm okay, thanks. Um, would you mind opening the boom so that I can go through?"

"Oh, okay."

I don't know why I continue to be amazed. It's not like I haven't had this conversation before ... I've had worse ones. Three things stand out to me about this one, though, that are not new to me.

Number one, that he would feel that our relationship is developed enough that he has the freedom to ask all of these question and tell me what I need to do.

Number two, that he was fishing for information to see if I was available ... seriously, not even remotely a possibility. But, the men here like to cast their nets wide and try to capture the attention of any female within a ten feet radius ... I think it increases their odds of success.

Number three, that the only function of a woman in this society for many of these guys is to have sex with them and birth babies (without any kind of formal commitment is not at all uncommon).

I'm kinda at the end of being treated like an object. I'm sooo ready to spend time with men from my own hemisphere now, thanks! At least they attempt to have conversations with you about other things, even if they are only interested in one thing.

But, I praise God for the ones who aren't just interested in one thing, but who I genuinely have a great relationship with.

Kalk Bay

I’m such a slacker! I just realized that I never shared photos from my Kalk Bay visit with the Mankes and MacGowans! Sorry about that!

The view from where I was staying (Media Village)
Me with friends, new and old!
I managed to head to the waterfront while they were having a naval exhibition.
Bet'cha didn't know about the South African penguins!
I got really close!
Sunset at Kalky's.

As you can see, I had a really good time. It was great to be amongst old friends and YWAMers again. I got the chance to hang out with some of the DTS students from all over Africa and had a blast with them. We explored Cape Town a bit, but I spent most of my time bumming around Kalk Bay. Can I tell you that had I known this place existed, I may not have committed to staying in Joburg? In this laid back, small town atmosphere I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I think it had something to do with being so close to God’s creation, seeing others who wear flip flops everyday, talking to strangers on the street, wandering through independently owned bookshops where the person working there could recommend something to ya, and not feeling like you’re being watched or followed. Yeah, I miss those days …

And, there was the amazing food … thank God for the Brass Bell and Olympia Café … they may be the reason I return to Kalk Bay before leaving South Africa for good.

Over a month ...

It's been that long since I've written on here. I have written, just didn't feel like putting my inner turmoil on the web. So, now that I'm coming out of the fog and am starting to get a feel for why I'm returning to South Africa in July, here's my most recent writing. I think it sums it up pretty well ...

Imagine that for years you’d been preparing to make a big move to Chicago or New York. You’ve been bracing yourself for harsh winters, moderate summers and the hustle and bustle of a fast-paced life. Then God flips the script on you and asks you to plant yourself in rural Kentucky.

That’s a bit what being in South Africa is like to me. Even now, one year into this new direction and adventure with Him, I’m still struggling to reconcile what my dreams about South America were. Were they one step in the process of getting me to think outside of the box? If so, then I would say that He took it too far, and the dream became too engrained in me and in my heart. No fair.

In thinking about what God has called me to and what I believe He’s preparing me for, life in South Africa makes sense, but it doesn’t. Where else in the world can you see such gross injustices committed against women and children? Maybe parts of Asia. Where else is the orphan crisis as big? Nowhere. Where else has AIDS ravaged a population that will not do what is necessary to stop the disease?

Then there are the things He’s placed in me personally that I look at through a South African lens and I can’t reconcile – the gift of hospitality; love for food and photography; that my marriage and family would be an agent of change and reconciliation; my love of latin languages.

No wonder I’m not myself in this place. Half of who I am and what I’m about doesn’t fit in this place, and I’m not sure it ever will.

What to do? These words still haunt me and drive me on …

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are

I would give the world to tell Your story
For I know that You’ve called me
I know that You’ve called me
I’ve lost myself for good within Your promise
And I won’t hide it, I won’t hide it

Jesus I believe You
And I would go
To the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You
Alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That you are God
You are God.

I can still remember the first time I heard this song, long after I’d made the decision to go to Africa instead of South America. I remember the ache in my heart, probably from saying “Yes” to Him and no to my own desires.

In spite of the questions, I trust that He knows what’s best.

Woman on a mission ...

So, Caroline is on a mission to have all of the children that can be adopted out of the house before I head back to the States for a visit in May. This means that a whole new group of babies could be passing through here in the next month. I'm not sure I'm really excited about that just yet.

I know that this is what we want ... for our small portion of the 1 million plus orphans in South Africa to be placed in loving familes and stable homes. It's just hard when you come to love them to see them go!

I head to Cape Town on Thursday to visit friends ... hopefully all the babies I leave on Thursday morning will still be here when I get back on Monday so that I have a chance to say goodbye!

Daddy's Little Girl

One of my babies left to go and live with his “forever family” today. I’m sad, but happy for him. He was so cute in church today … I got to sit next to his adoptive mom and halfway through the service he climbed into my lap and started playing with my ponytail holder. We were both biting it, playing tug-of-war until I realized that it was really distracting to the other people. I’m gonna miss him!

Okay, on with the entry. Have I mentioned that I’m really thankful for my dad? I have a great dad! Most of my friends have great dads. Now, I live in a country that is full of broken homes and fatherlessness, and I can see the effect it has on this society in general.

One of the things he said that I had to chew on a bit had to do with the role of a father in the life of his daughter. Fathers are to:
1) enjoy their daughters
2) affirm femininity in their daughters, and
3) watch for what God is doing in their child, call it forth and bless it.

In addition to this, fathers are to teach their daughters about men and how men should treat them. This one made me laugh because it brought to mind the fact that my dad taught me about cars and drywall, while my brothers say that they beat me up and tormented me when I was younger so that I would learn to defend myself. They wanted to make sure I didn’t end up a battered wife. Pretty warped thinking, huh? No wonder I can be so aggressive at times.

Anywho, it was a bit interesting to look at the great job my Dad did in raising me in light of this list. Thinking about it eventually brought me around to the fact that my Dad is a great provider, and I never doubted his presence in my life, but there were some things missing that I’ve had to look to God my Father to fill in (like affirming my femininity, teaching me about relating to men, healthy emotional connection, giving and receiving love, etc.). It’s very easy for me to see God as a Provider and I rarely doubt His presence in my life. Do I think my Dad enjoyed me? In his own way, I guess he did. Did he affirm femininity in me? Not really … all I can remember is him telling me not to climb trees, asking “why can’t you sit like a girl?” and trying to get me to wear high heels when I was a teenager (too late, I might add, when I was already bent towards chunky boots and flip flops). Did he watch for what God was doing in me and encourage it? Not really. Not because he didn’t want to, but I honestly don’t think he had the spiritual eye to do so. For him, my getting an education and decent job so that I could make something of my life was his goal.

As I reflected on all of this, I saw that the biggest “lesson” I’ve learned from my Dad is to be able to take care of myself and not have to depend on people. I honestly can’t figure out if I’m as independent as I think I am. Part of me says that I should be able to live my life not needing anyone, but this other part of me craves relationship and connection with people. The kingdom of God is all about relationships, so the independence theory can’t be all right, can it?

Trust

I thought I would continue with the marriage and family thread. Last Sunday in church, the pastor that was visiting talked about Fathers and Daughters … basically, healing the father/daughter wound. There were so many things that he said that made me reflect on.

For his research, the pastor acknowledged that he had no clue about what daughters need from fathers, but since he was married to a daughter, he chose to study her. His stories about coming to the realization that not only was he married to an earthly daughter (his father-in-law’s), but that he was married to a daughter of the King made me laugh, mostly because God’s been talking to me for the last few months about living in that role.

One thing that he mentioned that made me really stop and take notice was a few words that his wife said to him … she said, “I don’t always trust you, but I trust your relationship with God.” I have to be able to say that about the man I marry. I have enough trust issues as it is, so if I can look at him and say that I trust his relationship with God (my Father), then I know that I can respect and trust him no matter where we go or what we do.

So, thanks to him, the picture of the man that I’m holding out for becomes a little clearer.

Will write more on what I learned later.

Marriage

So, since I turned the big 3-2 I've had a few people ask about my love life in South Africa. Some asked if I had been interested in a particular person since arriving. Some asked if I was serious about getting married and having children. Some asked if others had been bugging me about it since I'd passed another year as a singleton.

To be honest, it's a strange thing to be black and female in South Africa ... even moreso when you're considered "picky". I have lots of fun telling people that I'm not really interested in men in general ... just Brazilian ones. :o) It's fun to see them run that through their brains and try to matchmake here in South Africa (where the choices are mainly black, white, asian or coloured ... most of them have never even met a Brazilian).

I'm trying to keep an open mind, since this is where I've been living for the past year and will continue to live until God says "move". I'm also trying not to be frustrated as people start pointing out all the single men in church who are around my age.

And, while I'm not impressed with the men here in general, I'm trying to remember that God is bigger than my opinions, impressions, prejudices, preferences, and general lack of interest in being paired up with someone's "greatest pick" for me.

I'm still praying for a guy or two from this country who will help change my heart and mind in this ... God's already done so much to change me. I wouldn't put it past Him.

32

I turned 32 yesterday. I celebrated with friends, laughed a lot, ate some good food, and just got to thank God for the blessing of relationship in my life. He's done so much ... and for everything, I'm grateful.

One more try ...

So, I sat down last night and wrote out fantastic a blog, pushed the “publish” button and got that annoying “A problem has occurred and Internet Explorer needs to shut down” message. The blog didn’t post, and I yelled at Internet Explorer, Bill Gates and Microsoft in general.

It had to do with finding love in the midst of sleepless nights, changing my mind about having children of my own, and turning 32. I was pondering what on earth to do with the rest of my life. I was thankful for the experiences I’ve had in 32 years of life. I was thinking about being single, getting married (as some of my best friends are about to do), flying home in May and just wondering about my life.

Birthdays make me wonder if there’s anything about my life that I would change going forward. I can think of lots I would change about the past, but I’ve come to realize that regrets aren’t worth hanging on to. What will I do differently in year 33?

There seems to always be the push to exercise more and take care of my body … funny thought, as I contemplate eating one of my Lindt Cresta bars this weekend that my awesome friend MP from Belgium brought me on her last trip home. God’s also spoken to me about this being the year of relationship and His desire that I would focus on that in 2008. He smacked me around in January about my appearance … basically, stated that He desired me to make an effort in regards to my appearance and that I should be dressing and grooming myself in a manner befitting the “daughter of the King” that I am. Ouch.

Then there’s the spiritual stuff – read the Word more, pray more, study more.

The one thing that stands out to me above all the rest as I think about crossing 32 is that I should love myself this year. Not in a tree hugger sort of way, but in a "love your neighbor as youself" way. I've come to the realization that no one else is going to do it for me. What does that look like? I’m still not sure, since I’ve thought I loved myself in the past. Apparently not the way God intends. So, it looks like we’re about to do a bit of exploring!

Babies

Week one, and I've already had to wake up in the middle of the night a few times for feedings already. I think that I'm seriously considering adopting small children in order to avoid this whole infancy stage. As my sister said in an email, I'm really no good when my sleep is interrupted. God must have special plans for this portion of my life!

I really do believe that this time is more about my spending time with teh family and couple that are responsible for the ministry. They're pretty amazing to be around ... married couple from the States with six kids! They range in age from eight to sixteen and there's always a buz of activity in the house. It's fun to watch them interact with each other ... lots of love in their interactions!

I'm learning a lot ... about babies, relationships and family dynamics!