Natural habitats

So, the camping trip to Sterkfontein Dam went really well. I had an awesome time!!! I definitely needed to get away and spend some time in God's creation, doing nothing but breathing and enjoying (too much) sunshine. We spent six days there, enjoying the location and each other's company. I can't wait until we get the chance to go again ... but next time I'm investing in a warmer sleeping bag and a wetsuit so that I can comfortably take advantage of all the dam has to offer!


It was hard to believe that the area where we were staying was still in South Africa. To date, my view of South Africa has been tall buildings, dirty streets, strange people, shopping malls, poverty and overcrowding. This place was almost empty, with beautiful water, nice people (for the most part), family-oriented, uncluttered and had nice facilities. For a while there, I felt like I was back in Denver. All that was missing was my normal crew that I went hiking and camping with. But, what an opportunity to create new memories with a new group of people!


The first night we arrived a bit late, set up camp and started working on dinner. After dinner, Darryl (our guide with all the toys on this excursion) decided he wanted to go for a late night swim. So, he stripped down to his undies and went out into the water. Yeah, I was shocked ... no warning whatsoever, just Darryl in all is glory heading out into the water under the moonlight. It made for a good laugh, and basically set the tone for the week in what became known as his "natural habitat". We would soon see more of Darryl in his element on this trip.

For the next few days there was much activity on the water. Darryl brought his catamaran and his wind surfer, so we all got to try out both. Such fun!
There was also a day hike into the Drakensburgs to the base of Gudu Falls ... amazing! I was already having a bit of trouble regulating my body temperature, so I decided not to jump into the freezing cold water. That didn't stop some of the others who followed Darryl's example and stripped down to their undies and took a dip in the water before the hike down. Gotta love crazy people!

I also read Cry the Beloved Country one of the days when it was a bit too cold for me to be in the water. What an amazing book. It gave me a better look into the humanity that I sometimes look at with a bit of disdain here. For me, it brought more of a human element into both sides of the struggle I sense as a part of living in this crazy country ... decisions that were made that determined the direction of the country, personal decisions made in regards to how to cope with what's been dealt to you, and the destruction of a people for the sake of "living". It made me sad and hopeful all at the same time. I was glad that Thom suggested I read it.

Speaking of this crazy country, we were talking about the difference when camping in the States vs. here. Back home, you talk to your neighbors and find out where they're from, how long they're staying, etc. When we arrived, people pretty much looked at us, but no one said anything. In this largely Afrikaaner area, I was happy when they responded when I would say "Good morning". (I find that the racism and prejudice that still exists here affects me more than I like ... a topic for another day).

The very next day, a guy from one of the other campsites came over and started asking where we were from, what brought us here, etc. Basically, all the normal questions that come up when people hear that our group is made up of volunteers from South Africa, the States, Canada, Brazil, Australia, and Malaysia. What I didn't expect was for this crazy man to end our conversation telling me that America was responsible for Apartheid, because there's no way that South Africans could come up with something like that ... they're too open and nice. What?!?!? Yeah, I was glad Nil was sitting there because I've been pretty full up of people freely sharing about their dislike of my country, our politics, our President, our materialism, our lack of global & environmental awareness, our this and our that. I had to remember that I was a Christian missionary.

Ah, natural habitiats. It's amazing what people feel at liberty to do and say when they're there.

Just breathe ...

When I think about all the things floating around in my head - all the thoughts, positive and negative that come into my mind - I'm amazed that I'm not insane. I mean, literally, my thoughts bounce back and forth between good and evil, uplifting and destroying, giving life and bringing death. If there were a way that my thoughts could be broadcast without my control, I would be scared to think anything at all.

I was reading some of the commentaries on the coverage of the Colorado shootings the other day, and I was really saddened by the fact that people turned this event around to point the blame - at Matthew's parents for raising him wrong, at the Christians who only embrace the "beautiful people" and didn't do enough to embrace this kid, at the laws that allowed him to legally amass a small arsenal, at the webmasters on the anti-Christian websites who allowed him to freely post his rhetoric ... five people are dead in a senseless killing that was done by a guy who allowed the lies of the enemy to dictate his actions. Why are we pointing fingers?

If I were to act on every thought that came through my mind, I would be considered an extroverted, introverted, angry, elated, courageous, fearful, touchy, reclusive, intelligent, dense, schizo. The responsibility we all have is to choose ... we choose life or death, we choose to dwell on the good or the bad, we choose to love or hate. Matthew made his choice. Now it's our turn.

YWAM Denver

If you ask just about anyone who has been through YWAM Denver what they're feeling right now, "shock", "numb", "anger", "disbelief", and "hurt" are all words that would come up. Not the normal response you would get from a bunch of missionaries, but in light of Sunday morning's shootings, it seems reasonable.

If you've been there, you know that we consider each other family. Not the type that you call on holidays and visit every few years out of obligation ... the kind who visits each other's house at any time of year just because you can, who show up when a baby is born and will call if they think you might be struggling with something. The kind that drop a line periodically just to say "Hi" and who you can laugh with over shared experiences in spite of being thousands of miles away.

I didn't know Tiffany or Phil ... they came after my time in Denver was officially over. I'd met Dan on mobile team and followed Nick's leading to poke at him hard to do a DTS in Denver. I didn't really know Chuck ... only met him a couple times when visiting friends before leaving for Africa.

But I do know many of the people who are on staff that are struggling through the loss of peace and the sense of being in a "safe place" on the YWAM Denver campus. I know the leadership there well, and I can tell you that to them, they've lost a son and daughter at the hands of one of their own.

At this point, I'm not sure that I knew Matt (the shooter). His name sounds really familiar to me, but I can't figure out if he is the person I'm picturing in my mind. I really hope he's not. I can't imagine the torment that must have been going on in his head and heart to bring him to the place of thinking of hurting as many people as he wanted to. Reports say that he was asked to leave staff in Denver in 2002 (the year I did my DTS) and sent antagonistic correspondence to the base after that. If I think with the mind of someone who has a warped sense of understanding, I can understand his targeting YWAM ... I don't understand his loading up on ammo and walking into New Life Church.

There is no guarantee that as we serve God and trust Him in this life, that we will be safe, protected from harm and have life easy. There is still evil at work in this world. People still have free will. The enemy still lies, and we choose to believe him.

In the end, I hold on to the scripture that many from our base have been clinging to and sharing - a verse that we clung to when Elly died in 2004 - "We are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." (Hebrews 10:39)

God is good, even in the midst of loss and turmoil.

I'm praying for you, my YWAM family - prayers for peace, joy in the midst of pain, that the Lord would be your comforter, that your love for one another would see you through, and that the world would see and hear and put their trust in Him because of your example.

murky waters

I find myself in a funk that I’m not sure how to get out of. Part of it is contemplating being away from home for the holidays and celebrating what is one of my favorite family holidays away from everything familiar. Part of it is confusion in regards to what on earth God is up to in my life.

He continues to speak to me about His dreams for my life. The more I think about what He's spoken, the more I feel myself struggle. Some of the things He's spoken seem so contrary to the way He's made me. Some of the things I'm waiting on seem so far away, yet there's nothing I can do about it. Helpless. That's what I feel right now. Vulnerable. And a bit lost.

On top of the inner struggle is the fact that I'm facing change once again. It's never easy, but I don't feel as though I've fully adapted and overcome the last change. My heart is full, and not all of it is good.

So, I struggle silently. Everyone's busy, living their own lives. I'm tired of struggling, tired of talking. I'm not sure that I can articulate all that's in my heart at the moment. So, I continue to stuff it, in the hopes that God will work to bring about some resolution ... and if not, that He will bring some measure of peace in the midst of these murky waters I find myself in.

Man, I feel like a woman!

Sorry, it was the first thing to pop into my head as I thought about writing.

This morning, I said goodbye to a team of 9 Brazilians from the Vila do Louvor base in Sao Paolo. I really enjoyed my time with them - laughing, eating, shopping and just hanging out.

I also really enjoyed the conversations I had with some of the team members. Being around the girls made me feel like it was okay to be feminine - not like I needed to be this hard-faced creature that walked the streets, having to protect myself. Being around the guys made me feel safe and protected, and they called out the beauty that I don't always notice is within me.

I love every chance I get to hang out with Latin American guys ... it reinforces my love for their culture and beauty. In my opinion, they seem more prone to find a woman that looks like me beautiful. They also are (in general) one of the few who (because of their cultural norms) can touch, hug, embrace and speak life to the untouched places of my heart without me feeling dirty.

Interacting with these guys was so different from the interactions I've had with the African men here in SA. They reminded me that there are guys out there whose attention I would actually want. It's tough to explain my objections to the men here to people who haven't known anything else, to whom the things that irritate me are normal. When I say there's a difference, most people who haven't lived it can't see it.

I was glad to have the interaction with them that I've had these last few weeks ... it reminded me that I am a woman, and that it's okay for a man to see me as one.