Youth With A Mission. Just the name lets you know that the organization is geared towards young people. The average person working with YWAM is between the age of 18 and 25. I’m 31. I feel so old right now.
Okay, so part of what brought this on is that we have a team from Brazil in, working with us at the base. They’re typically young, and typically Brazilian. Having lived in a void where good looking men are concerned, I’ll admit – it’s been a bit hard to focus at times. I mean, they are some good looking guys, with great personalities, fun, charming, respectful and protective of their women, hospitable, etc. And these are all qualities that I’ve missed over the last 8 months, living amongst men who grate against my personality and preferences.
So, I was hanging out with one of them at the mall the other day. I’m not sure how it came up, but he asked me how old I was. I said (in Spanish, because he doesn’t speak English, and I don’t speak Portuguese … we meet somewhere in the middle with what’s called “Portuñol”) that I was 31. Then it hit me that I should probably ask how old he was. 23. All of a sudden, I felt really old and like I shouldn’t be walking in the mall alone with this kid. He is, after all, the same age as my nephew and more attentive than I'm used to.
Another one (who I’m sure is also in his early 20s) told me that I look like his girlfriend back home … which means that in Brazil, guys that look and behave like him are interested in girls that look like me. Why am I in Africa?
Where are the good looking, great personality possessing, fun, charming, respectful, protective, hospitable men closer to my age? Why am I constantly finding myself “attracted” to boys? And … why am I in Africa???
I know that I’m being a "girl" … but I’m really trying to get my head around what I’m supposed to glean from this whole experience. I’m still not sure. I know that God is big and that He can orchestrate anything, and that there are men my age out there who are after His heart. I think I’m just finding it hard to die to self lately, and my view of myself took a little blow with the realization that I’m getting old, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Frustrating studies
I'm reading this book put together by two professors at Wits University on the progression of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in South Africa. Let's just say that the more I read, the more ticked I become.
In the first chapters they attempt to touch on the cultural norms and beliefs that are contributing to the continued progression of the virus in the nation. In the section "Being A Man in South Africa", a few excerpts that pushed my buttons in particular inlclude:
● The global AIDS epidemic is driven my men. (24)
● It's normal and culturally acceptable/expected for men to have multiple partners (as a means to prove their manhood or out of insatiable need to "drain something from their body" through the sex act with whoever's available, but they may "rect violently towards women who are nor monogomous. A study conducted across several regions in South Africa fount that 'boys believe that a way to sort a girl with several other sexual partners is to force sex or "beat her" ... a girl who refuses [sex] and is believed to have another boyfriend will be beaten because 'you cannot let her get away with it, she is using you and making you a fool." Another way of sorting her out is to organize a "steam-line", commonly know as gang rape at the boyfriends home as a means of punishment. (27)
● A contemporary study of youth in the Western Cape found that men believed that they could not survive physically or psychologically for an extended period without sex – a man needed a back-up if his regular partner was not available. One young boy said, “Hey man, where is this thing called AIDS, we should try to avoid this thing.” But others said, “No man, if AIDS means to stop you from having many partners then I will just contract it – you see.’ (28)
● A young boy is quoted as saying this - "'When they are going to make sex?', he asked, he said, 'Can we make sex?' ... but she said, 'no' ... the way I think, maybe he asked her again, maybe she replied and they just made sex ... she didn't scream or do anything ... or tell him she doesn't want it ... to her, no is yes." (30)
● Young men and women believe that a man has a right, even a duty, to force himself on a woman who displays reluctance and shyness. (32)
● Respondents in a study of teenage masculinity did not see that forcing a girl to have sex was rape. Rape is an attack by a stranger. Drama and role-plays indicated that the boys did not recognise that saying 'no' was an option for girls - they believed that girls should not have any say in the matter. They used biology (the male sexual urge) to justify men having sex on demand. (32)
And you wonder why I'm not interested in the men here and am content to be single for the duration unless another foreigner passes through that captures my attention?
I haven't made it to the "Being A Woman in South Africa" section yet because I have to frequently put the book down. I'm not sure that reading this type of material for a basic understanding of the average South African mindset in regards to HIV/AIDS is a good thing ... it really is bringing me to a place of knowing that I will NEVER be able to identify with where people here are coming from. To be honest, I don't want to. It makes me mad that they've been handed a bag of lies that is killing them off one by one, but they choose to hold onto it and pass it down to future generations in the name of preserving their "culture". I'm once again reminded that but for the grace of God ... there really is no point in my being here.
In the first chapters they attempt to touch on the cultural norms and beliefs that are contributing to the continued progression of the virus in the nation. In the section "Being A Man in South Africa", a few excerpts that pushed my buttons in particular inlclude:
● The global AIDS epidemic is driven my men. (24)
● It's normal and culturally acceptable/expected for men to have multiple partners (as a means to prove their manhood or out of insatiable need to "drain something from their body" through the sex act with whoever's available, but they may "rect violently towards women who are nor monogomous. A study conducted across several regions in South Africa fount that 'boys believe that a way to sort a girl with several other sexual partners is to force sex or "beat her" ... a girl who refuses [sex] and is believed to have another boyfriend will be beaten because 'you cannot let her get away with it, she is using you and making you a fool." Another way of sorting her out is to organize a "steam-line", commonly know as gang rape at the boyfriends home as a means of punishment. (27)
● A contemporary study of youth in the Western Cape found that men believed that they could not survive physically or psychologically for an extended period without sex – a man needed a back-up if his regular partner was not available. One young boy said, “Hey man, where is this thing called AIDS, we should try to avoid this thing.” But others said, “No man, if AIDS means to stop you from having many partners then I will just contract it – you see.’ (28)
● A young boy is quoted as saying this - "'When they are going to make sex?', he asked, he said, 'Can we make sex?' ... but she said, 'no' ... the way I think, maybe he asked her again, maybe she replied and they just made sex ... she didn't scream or do anything ... or tell him she doesn't want it ... to her, no is yes." (30)
● Young men and women believe that a man has a right, even a duty, to force himself on a woman who displays reluctance and shyness. (32)
● Respondents in a study of teenage masculinity did not see that forcing a girl to have sex was rape. Rape is an attack by a stranger. Drama and role-plays indicated that the boys did not recognise that saying 'no' was an option for girls - they believed that girls should not have any say in the matter. They used biology (the male sexual urge) to justify men having sex on demand. (32)
And you wonder why I'm not interested in the men here and am content to be single for the duration unless another foreigner passes through that captures my attention?
I haven't made it to the "Being A Woman in South Africa" section yet because I have to frequently put the book down. I'm not sure that reading this type of material for a basic understanding of the average South African mindset in regards to HIV/AIDS is a good thing ... it really is bringing me to a place of knowing that I will NEVER be able to identify with where people here are coming from. To be honest, I don't want to. It makes me mad that they've been handed a bag of lies that is killing them off one by one, but they choose to hold onto it and pass it down to future generations in the name of preserving their "culture". I'm once again reminded that but for the grace of God ... there really is no point in my being here.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Next ...
Am I the only one who wakes up in the morning, makes it halfway through the morning, only to think, “Maybe I should go home and try to start this day over again tomorrow.”
I’ve been in a funk lately. It probably has to do with the things I’ve been thinking about, the busyness that is my life, and the waiting that I find myself in the midst of once again. I find myself wondering if there’s something I need to be doing so that my approach to the upcoming changes is somewhat proactive. Then I remember that my hands are tied in so many ways here.
I must continue to wait on Him, and do the possible. The rest is up to Him.
I’ve been in a funk lately. It probably has to do with the things I’ve been thinking about, the busyness that is my life, and the waiting that I find myself in the midst of once again. I find myself wondering if there’s something I need to be doing so that my approach to the upcoming changes is somewhat proactive. Then I remember that my hands are tied in so many ways here.
I must continue to wait on Him, and do the possible. The rest is up to Him.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Faithful
“Being single reminds me that my good efforts only go so far, that I desperately need God’s grace, and that He’s faithful in plenty and want.”
I came across this while browsing through an article by Camerin Courtney on Christianity Today’s website. It challenged me, because in the past I’ve doubted God’s faithfulness in so many areas, mostly because I didn’t get the things I thought I wanted or needed. I’ve since come to realize that His faithfulness has nothing to do with my circumstances or His provision. It’s His character … either He is faithful or He isn’t.
I’ve seen the faithfulness of God in so many areas of my life in recent years, in big ways and little. One of the big things I’m still waiting on Him for is a mate to share my life with. While waiting, I’ve been so blessed by the examples I’ve been able to see, with the companionship He’s provided, and the perspective that waiting has given me. He’s blessed me in that I can do works that glorify Him and fulfill the desires of my heart.
On top of this, He’s been faithful to point out where I tend to become hardened to the possibilities that are in front of me, and when I start to embrace my own self-sufficiency. He’s faithful to place people in my life who will encourage me with the fact that I am loveable, capable of giving and receiving love, and there’s nothing wrong with me. He’s faithful to provide friends who teach me what it means to really love. He’s faithful to make me work through my relationship junk – showing me how to walk in humility when I’ve had clashes with people that were based on strange circumstances or miscommunication and had to make amends. He’s faithful to stretch me so that I can see beyond myself into the lives and situations of others. He’s faithful to remind me that He has plans and purposes for my marriage. He’s faithful to remind me that I’m not forgotten.
He’s faithful.
I came across this while browsing through an article by Camerin Courtney on Christianity Today’s website. It challenged me, because in the past I’ve doubted God’s faithfulness in so many areas, mostly because I didn’t get the things I thought I wanted or needed. I’ve since come to realize that His faithfulness has nothing to do with my circumstances or His provision. It’s His character … either He is faithful or He isn’t.
I’ve seen the faithfulness of God in so many areas of my life in recent years, in big ways and little. One of the big things I’m still waiting on Him for is a mate to share my life with. While waiting, I’ve been so blessed by the examples I’ve been able to see, with the companionship He’s provided, and the perspective that waiting has given me. He’s blessed me in that I can do works that glorify Him and fulfill the desires of my heart.
On top of this, He’s been faithful to point out where I tend to become hardened to the possibilities that are in front of me, and when I start to embrace my own self-sufficiency. He’s faithful to place people in my life who will encourage me with the fact that I am loveable, capable of giving and receiving love, and there’s nothing wrong with me. He’s faithful to provide friends who teach me what it means to really love. He’s faithful to make me work through my relationship junk – showing me how to walk in humility when I’ve had clashes with people that were based on strange circumstances or miscommunication and had to make amends. He’s faithful to stretch me so that I can see beyond myself into the lives and situations of others. He’s faithful to remind me that He has plans and purposes for my marriage. He’s faithful to remind me that I’m not forgotten.
He’s faithful.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Chubbs
On a lighter note ...
I think I need to lay off the sweets and snack foods ... and maybe Esther’s cooking.
Since taking my de-worming and parasite medications, I’ve gained 3 kilos (roughly 7 pounds). I’m still at a healthy weight, but Summer’s approaching … which means I should be heading to the pool and am possibly spending part of the Christmas holidays at the beach.
Not only that … I got used to my clothes fitting a certain way, and now that I’ve killed Humberto (my worm), they don’t anymore. So, I’m back to the old dilemma of whether or not I sacrifice my hair (which is sensitive to the chlorine in swimming pools) or embrace the slight chubbiness that has crept up on me in the last few weeks.
I was commenting on this at the Centre the other day, and mentioned that I should probably do something about it since it was making me uncomfortable in my skin. One of the people I work with mentioned that, since I wasn’t married and I was “picky”, I should probably take some action.
I know that this comment was meant to goad me, but it irritates me that people assume that the reason I’m still single is because I’m picky. I’d rather wait on God’s best and hang on to my preferences in men than be frustrated by the man I settled for … does that make me picky? I dunno … that’s just how I am. I’m not one to settle, no matter how long something takes. Once I make my mind up, I’m not likely to change it unless God changes it for me.
God’s challenged me to dream big in the area of marriage … I’ve seen some pretty great examples in my 31 years, and I’m not willing to settle for anything less. On top of this, I really believe that my marriage is to glorify God and minister to those who I am in relationship with. To me, you can’t just settle for any old bloke that crosses your path and winks at you.
On top of this, the men here are pretty interesting. I’ve mentioned it before … African men are not my idea of “Mr. Perfect for Me”. It only takes one or two perverted leers or “Sorry? I love you. You are beautiful and you have nice hair ... will you marry me?” comments to confirm that there’s not good chemistry there. So, I’m content to continue to wait on God. I think He’s big enough to surprise me, even on this crazy continent … even if I have put on a few kilos.
I think I need to lay off the sweets and snack foods ... and maybe Esther’s cooking.
Since taking my de-worming and parasite medications, I’ve gained 3 kilos (roughly 7 pounds). I’m still at a healthy weight, but Summer’s approaching … which means I should be heading to the pool and am possibly spending part of the Christmas holidays at the beach.
Not only that … I got used to my clothes fitting a certain way, and now that I’ve killed Humberto (my worm), they don’t anymore. So, I’m back to the old dilemma of whether or not I sacrifice my hair (which is sensitive to the chlorine in swimming pools) or embrace the slight chubbiness that has crept up on me in the last few weeks.
I was commenting on this at the Centre the other day, and mentioned that I should probably do something about it since it was making me uncomfortable in my skin. One of the people I work with mentioned that, since I wasn’t married and I was “picky”, I should probably take some action.
I know that this comment was meant to goad me, but it irritates me that people assume that the reason I’m still single is because I’m picky. I’d rather wait on God’s best and hang on to my preferences in men than be frustrated by the man I settled for … does that make me picky? I dunno … that’s just how I am. I’m not one to settle, no matter how long something takes. Once I make my mind up, I’m not likely to change it unless God changes it for me.
God’s challenged me to dream big in the area of marriage … I’ve seen some pretty great examples in my 31 years, and I’m not willing to settle for anything less. On top of this, I really believe that my marriage is to glorify God and minister to those who I am in relationship with. To me, you can’t just settle for any old bloke that crosses your path and winks at you.
On top of this, the men here are pretty interesting. I’ve mentioned it before … African men are not my idea of “Mr. Perfect for Me”. It only takes one or two perverted leers or “Sorry? I love you. You are beautiful and you have nice hair ... will you marry me?” comments to confirm that there’s not good chemistry there. So, I’m content to continue to wait on God. I think He’s big enough to surprise me, even on this crazy continent … even if I have put on a few kilos.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Am I ready for this?
I’m reading this book by Joy and Ray Thomas called I’m Not at Risk, Am I? that is about AIDS and its affects. As I’m reading this chapter o n AIDS orphans, I find myself asking once again, “God, what were you thinking when you asked me to come here to do this? I’m nowhere near qualified, and I don’t have a long history of loving kids.”
In the chapter they talk about the emotional affects of AIDS-related deaths on children, and the growing phenomenon of child head of households and street kids as a result of AIDS. One of the things they capture is the feelings of guilt (if I’d taken better care of my sick mommy, then maybe she wouldn’t have died) and the tendency to internalize grief that children have when faced with extreme trauma and are not part of the dying process.
It was like God removed a scab that wasn’t quite healed. I remember like it was yesterday, feeling these things and knowing that no one understood what I was going through … and feeling like no one cared. When Wendy (my oldest sister) died in 1990 from cancer-related illnesses, I thought it was my fault. She was in my care at the time that the ambulance was called that took her away. I seriously thought that the doctors would give her medicine and she was coming back, just like she had so many times before. No one prepared me for the fact that this was the end, and she wouldn’t be coming back. I think everyone but my other sister (who is a medical doctor and had more of a clue than the rest of us) thought she was coming back as well. I never got to say goodbye. This has been a sore spot for me for years.
I’ve had issues with abandonment … anger at God for taking the one person I thought understood me … I lived for a long time with depression hanging over my head like a cloud … I thought for a long time that God took the wrong child. I still struggle to believe that people truly understand me, and if I were honest I’d say that deep down, part of me is waiting for the people I love to die. I know that dying is a part of living, and now my battle is to trust God in the living part.
I don’t believe that God took her so that I would be able to minister to orphans. I’m amazed that He’s putting me in this situation and find myself wondering if this season is as much for me as it is for the children He’s asking me to work with. He’s challenging me to see myself in these children I will be ministering to next year, and help them walk to healing in Him instead of living for years in the darkness that I lived. Their situation is much more dire … I still had my family to take care of me, even if they didn’t fully understand me. Many of these children are already on the streets, or being bounced around a crazy foster care system … some are prostituting themselves in order to survive and placing themselves at risk of the same disease that stole their childhood.
My goal is to love on these children and give them a safe place to be kids … a place where they can grow up to be everything that they desire to be. It’s to share with them the hope and future that they can have in Christ. I want to be a part of God giving them back their childhood. I just pray that God unlocks this in me as well, because I can still see myself as that little girl crying in a corner of the bathroom by herself, unsure what to do with the overwhelming sense of loss that’s hit like a ton of bricks.
In the chapter they talk about the emotional affects of AIDS-related deaths on children, and the growing phenomenon of child head of households and street kids as a result of AIDS. One of the things they capture is the feelings of guilt (if I’d taken better care of my sick mommy, then maybe she wouldn’t have died) and the tendency to internalize grief that children have when faced with extreme trauma and are not part of the dying process.
It was like God removed a scab that wasn’t quite healed. I remember like it was yesterday, feeling these things and knowing that no one understood what I was going through … and feeling like no one cared. When Wendy (my oldest sister) died in 1990 from cancer-related illnesses, I thought it was my fault. She was in my care at the time that the ambulance was called that took her away. I seriously thought that the doctors would give her medicine and she was coming back, just like she had so many times before. No one prepared me for the fact that this was the end, and she wouldn’t be coming back. I think everyone but my other sister (who is a medical doctor and had more of a clue than the rest of us) thought she was coming back as well. I never got to say goodbye. This has been a sore spot for me for years.
I’ve had issues with abandonment … anger at God for taking the one person I thought understood me … I lived for a long time with depression hanging over my head like a cloud … I thought for a long time that God took the wrong child. I still struggle to believe that people truly understand me, and if I were honest I’d say that deep down, part of me is waiting for the people I love to die. I know that dying is a part of living, and now my battle is to trust God in the living part.
I don’t believe that God took her so that I would be able to minister to orphans. I’m amazed that He’s putting me in this situation and find myself wondering if this season is as much for me as it is for the children He’s asking me to work with. He’s challenging me to see myself in these children I will be ministering to next year, and help them walk to healing in Him instead of living for years in the darkness that I lived. Their situation is much more dire … I still had my family to take care of me, even if they didn’t fully understand me. Many of these children are already on the streets, or being bounced around a crazy foster care system … some are prostituting themselves in order to survive and placing themselves at risk of the same disease that stole their childhood.
My goal is to love on these children and give them a safe place to be kids … a place where they can grow up to be everything that they desire to be. It’s to share with them the hope and future that they can have in Christ. I want to be a part of God giving them back their childhood. I just pray that God unlocks this in me as well, because I can still see myself as that little girl crying in a corner of the bathroom by herself, unsure what to do with the overwhelming sense of loss that’s hit like a ton of bricks.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Love
Today in church Pastor Iain talked about his relationship with the Lord and how excited he was about it. He likened it to the ongoing romance he has with his wife of 16 years. I found myself wondering what happened to that part of my relationship with God.
I remember when I thought of Him as my Lover, rather than just my Daddy, Provider and Protection. I remember when my thoughts and prayers were about more than understanding these people He’s called me to for a season and how I was to truly live in the midst of foreignness. I remember jumping in my car and going off to spend time with Him on mountaintops; sitting in a park, chatting with Him about things; feeling His presence all around me in a worship service or on the wind.
What happened to those times?
Moreso than it being an issue of safety and inability to get around to places that bring about these experiences, I’ve become consumed with issues … issues of life in SA, issues of inner city ministry, issues of the future and where I’m headed, issues of the turmoil in my own heart and mind.
I want be in that place, once again, where I sense His presence and His affection for me. It looks like it’s time to rekindle the fire that was my love-relationship with Jesus.
I remember when I thought of Him as my Lover, rather than just my Daddy, Provider and Protection. I remember when my thoughts and prayers were about more than understanding these people He’s called me to for a season and how I was to truly live in the midst of foreignness. I remember jumping in my car and going off to spend time with Him on mountaintops; sitting in a park, chatting with Him about things; feeling His presence all around me in a worship service or on the wind.
What happened to those times?
Moreso than it being an issue of safety and inability to get around to places that bring about these experiences, I’ve become consumed with issues … issues of life in SA, issues of inner city ministry, issues of the future and where I’m headed, issues of the turmoil in my own heart and mind.
I want be in that place, once again, where I sense His presence and His affection for me. It looks like it’s time to rekindle the fire that was my love-relationship with Jesus.
Friday, November 02, 2007
A Global Economy
Living overseas definitely changes your perspective of the value of the U.S. Dollar. Recently there’s been a lot of press given to how bad the Dollar is doing … had I been stateside, I wouldn’t have paid much attention to it. Living in South Africa, I pay attention to what the Dollar is doing … especially since I’m trying to buy a car.
There are so many things that influence the global economy … the war in Irag, oil prices and supply, interest rates, consumer spending, the Fed, the economic/business cycle … the list goes on and on. So many things I have no control over, yet they affect my life.
It’s so interesting how your perspective changes with a change of location. Good thing God is still in control.
There are so many things that influence the global economy … the war in Irag, oil prices and supply, interest rates, consumer spending, the Fed, the economic/business cycle … the list goes on and on. So many things I have no control over, yet they affect my life.
It’s so interesting how your perspective changes with a change of location. Good thing God is still in control.
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