I'm pretty sure that there are some out there that will balk at the fact that I had an all out vent session with God this weekend. Every once in a while I reach that point where I can't take it anymore and I know that He's the only one that will understand my rantings.
This Sunday happened to be about how He created me. Now, before you send in emails regarding how I'm "fearfully and wonderfully made", I know that. The central point of my frustration was in the fact that He created me with certain desires and tendencies, then called me to a lifestyle that isn't exactly a perfect match for those desires and tendencies.
To better explain this, I'll take an excerpt from my journal:
"I'm periodically amazed that God's called me to missions. I sometimes think - 'He created me, you'd think He would have known better.' I mean, think about it - I don't like change ... transitions and the unknown frustrate me ... I need deep relationships with people to function best ... I'm used to being well taken care of, yet independent ... I need to feel like I've put down roots and have a place to call my own ... I have issues with men in general, aggressive perverts specifically ... I've struggled with depression and am prone to moodiness when I feel like my world is out of balance.
I sound like the perfect candidate for the mission field, right? Not. I'm not sure what He was thinking, but His mind hasn't changed any, and that's what I screamed out about to Him today. For some reason I thought maybe if I screamed, He would answer."
Frustrations from the missionary front. I continue to trust that He knows me, and that even in my frustrations, He meets me where I am. Whoever said this missionary stuff was easy?
:o)
1 comment:
Roxanne, as Wendy and I prepare for Lesotho one thing continues to be a source of anxiety. We attended a course on cross cultural involvement last fall. One of our speakers made this statement - my rough paraphrase. "God doesn't call us to a cross cultural context to do something for Him, he calls us to a cross cultural context because it is in that context that he can deeper our relationship with Him."
So I am a bit anxious about leaving for Lesotho. Yes, I am a bit anxious about what I will find there, but mostly because I don't know what lessons God has planned for me to learn. And, once I am there it will be a lot tougher to bail out if I don't like the lesson.
Benno
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