The value of "stuff"

I'll admit I've been a little too focused on what I'm going to take and what I'm going to leave here. There are a few essentials that I would cry if they were stolen ... like my laptop and my camera. Why are they essentials? Well, the camera is part of my passion ... photographing and sharing God's beauty and what He's doing through a lens ... I absolutely love it. The laptop helps me communicate, organize, plan. They are a part of what makes it all happen.

I have to come to the place of believing that they belong to Him, and that He can give and take away ... and that it's okay. My sis said that just about everything is replaceable. The only thing that's not is me, so all else is just stuff. I'm working on being that light-hearted about it.

Birthdays

Today is my niece's birthday and my cousin's birthday. Yesterday was my sister-in-law's birthday. It occurred to me that I would be celebrating my next one in South Africa if all goes according to plan. Holy cow. I'll have to have Jess make me a cheesecake before I go.

It's occurred to me several times over the past couple months that I'm about to embark on a part of the journey called my life like none other I've experienced. I'm moving to Africa. Totally different culture, languages, understandings. Craziness.

I was thinking about going to Colombia to work with some of the churches - what I would take, what I wouldn't. I would take my camera. Wouldn't take Tiffany's (although it seems so sad to leave it here to tarnish in the box). Would take my laptop. Wouldn't take leather.

Funny, the things you think of when making a life change ... like the fact that I'll have to find a laundry detergent that doesn't make me sick when I smell it.

Passion

How do people live without it? If I find myself losing sight of it, I start to kick and scream like a little kid whose favorite stuffed animal has been taken away to be thrown in the washing machine.

I'm sitting at work ... it's my lunch hour ... and I find myself looking at the clock, wishing it were closer to 5. That's how I spend my days ... wishing they were over. What kind of life is that?

My father would say that it's because I don't want to work ... how do you explain passion to someone who is okay to live without it. I'm not one of those people ... I can't see myself working "just to put food on the table."

If I could find a career where I'd get paid for helping people (that didn't involve blood or the legal system), I might be tempted to ask to be released from missions. But, given the fact that I get to fulfill my passion, travel, experience other ways of life and cultures, AND have God be at the center of it all - why would I do a thing like that?

PMS?

I seem to remember having a better handle on my emotions in Denver. People and things didn't get to me as much ... stress levels didn't get this high or affect me as much ... I remember being more rational. Maybe it was my imagination.

I don't think it's an excuse to act any way that we want, necessarily. I can't believe that it now describes why I can be slightly irrational and moody ... no the moody is an all the time thing.

It's amazing to me that I can be seen as even keeled and a very rational person outside of these four walls. I'm told that familiarity and history have something to do with it. Funny, to me that should mean that I do better here than anywhere else, but that's not the case.

The calendar on my wall

I have this Ansel Adams calendar on my wall, next to my laptop. It is forever on the wrong month ... right now it's still on September. When November rolls around, it will be on October. Not sure why.

12 weeks ... that's how many I've got left before I am no longer "gainfully employed". What then? I still don't know. I guess I'll find out when He speaks.

Still frustrated, just not upset about it anymore ...

So, this is the point I've come to. I'm tired of fighting against this brick wall ... frustrated by asking, receiving no answers or just silence. I'm wanting to do the will of my God, but He's not talking at the moment. To tread where I believe He's asked me to go when He's silent on details doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. So, if He wants me in Africa He'll have to do it. I'm not pushing anymore ... not fighting ... not crying ... not pleading ... not following every new lead like it "might be the answer I've been asking for".

I'm done. If he really wants me to go early 2007, He'll have to do it.

Frustrated.

I'm a tad bit frustrated at the moment. God has been really silent on the whole "which ministry to pursue" question. He's actually been quite silent on the whole Africa thing outside of saying "my last instructions still stand". That would be to stop procrastinating and join the work early next year.

So, the probe I put out with the AG church doesn't quite fit that ... I won't be able to go until April if I complete the whole application process. That would put me right at when I planned on going in the first place.

Cape hasn't responded to emails ... I'm about to count that as a closed door.

That leaves Joburg ... where I will need to hear Him in order to not run for my life the first time I'm in proximity of gunshots or a some other violent crime.

He just couldn't leave me in Denver, could He?

New website up and functional

I've created a new website for keeping in touch with folks while I'm in Africa. If you're interested, sheck it out: http://www.freewebs.com/rdfoster

ttyl!